Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• If there's really a hockey player named Masterb who wears the No. 8 somewhere, the marketing possibilities are limitless. If not, dude here one-upped "Therapist" Steelers jerseys at the expense of being labeled a self-pleasure enthusiast for the ages. [E-Phemera]