Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Halloween in Chapel Hill is kind of a big deal. Upwards of 50,000 drunk students, faculty (TA's at least), townies, out of townies, etc. flock to Franklin Street in droves requiring some 200-300 police officers to contain. My costume was Ronald McDonald.
Wind up at a friend's house and after a few attempts I hit it off with a "sexy blind mouse," as she put it. We're all over each other and making out at this party and are trying to find a bedroom to seal the deal when my friend who lives there says hey we're going downtown, everyone's gotta go. In hindsight, he was a shitty friend, and I bitterly hold him responsible for the rest of the night.
We decide we can't just not fuck right now, so we go back to my house. This is where the problems start. I get us lost, twice. Finally seeing my house, I barge into the living room to see 3 people who aren't my roommates watching TV that isn't ours. Fuck, wrong house. Like an hour after we started the walk (it's a quarter mile away) we stumble into my house and head for the futon to continue where we left off.
Then she stops me and says she isn't going to fuck a clown as I have red and white makeup all over my face (bad childhood memories perhaps?). Fine, so I tell her we're going in my shower. She agrees and we strip down and hop in. Now I'm usually decent in the shower, logistics wise but this proposed an interesting scenario. I'm around 6 foot but this girl is just shy of 5'2". Now I am way too drunk to hold her up or do a half squat the whole time to hit it from behind. Then it hits me, the tub wall that the shower curtain hangs over! Perfect, this is going down after all!
So she steps up on that and it's some Matrix style fucking going on for all of 5 minutes when disaster strikes. I remember this in slow motion even on the verge of blackout. She's hanging on to the shower curtain rod which gives way, they are not meant to support anything over a fucking curtain. This happens as I'm thrusting, which sends her, no longer braced for impact, away from me, aka out of the shower. She slams her head on the bathroom floor and is more than likely concussed at this point. I slip sideways into the tub and slam my back/hip/ass so hard I can't even move. So I'm laying there, laughing at what just happened, when I hear the front door open and slam. My roommates proceed to walk in to find my bathroom floor covered in a half inch of water, a naked chick wrapped in my shower curtain more or less passed out on the floor and my naked ass laughing/crying like a hyena in my bathtub. Both of us smeared in shitty red and white face paint.
They found her purse and called her friends to come and pick her up. I woke up the next afternoon in the tub with a welt the size of a grapefruit on my hip. Still smeared in makeup. She has yet to return any of my calls. And I didn't even get to see Franklin Street.
I had just come home for winter break from my freshman year at college and went to a party with a bunch of my high-school buddies looking to catch up. We all start pounding beers and are getting pretty wasted when we decide that it was too much of a sausage fest and that we should head to a local bar. We make it to the bar and I immediately see an ex-girlfriend, Alyson, from high school (like serious, long-term relationship ex). I walk over to her and ask her how her first semester is and we hit it off again. After leaning in to kiss her and getting rejected I figure great I blew it. Embarrassed I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to take the piss I had been holding in for an hour talking to her. When I came out of the bathroom she was standing right there. I was like shit what do I do I don't want to keep talking to her if I'm not gonna get laid right? Wrong. She says she was sorry, I just caught her off guard and that we should go back to her house. Sweet.
We get back to her place and sneak up to her room (obviously she still lives at home). Anyway we start going at it making out and such when I throw her on the bed lift up her dress and start eating her out. At this point I'm starting to get really horny and tell her to put on her catholic school uniform from high school.
She responds that she would be happy to oblige but she wants me to put one of her uniform skirts also.
Now most normal men would be like WTF but in my inebriated state I was more than happy to do such a small favor. I am 6'2", about 200 pounds and this girl is like 5'1", 100 pounds tops so if it were up to Newton physics shouldn't have let that happen. I sucked and somehow managed to the skirt to fit on the largest hook. The whole time I kept telling myself "Its just like wearing a kilt" so I didn't feel anymore gay than I did already. We start to get into it again she blows me pulls out a condom and puts in on and sits on top of me. We flip over and I'm going at it when she freezes like a deer caught in headlights. We both heard a sound and she thought it was her mom walking down the hallway. I say it was a car door slamming outside and continue doing my work when I hear a creak outside her door.
So being the ninja I am I go to roll over to the side of her bed away from the door and planned on lowering myself to the floor quietly. But since I was drunk I misjudged the end of the bed and ended up falling of and landing on my back. 3 second later her mom pops her head over the side of the bed and her jaw drops. Take a second and picture this in your head: I was laying on the floor in a catholic school skirt with her uniform shirt on that fit like a mid-riff under armor thing the skirt is flipped up I have a woodie and a condom on and her daughter is on the bed also in the uniform. She takes a second to compose herself and then manages to get out "Peter, I think its time for you to go downstairs." I quickly threw on a pair of basketball shorts from back in the day and went down to her basement to go to sleep. Needless to say, walk of shame the next morning in front of her mom and sister wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I swear her mom almost smiled at me.
She let you sleep at the house afterwards? Jesus, she's the coolest mom ever. By the way, if a gal ever told me I'd have to get a skirt on for her to wear a schoolgirl outfit to bed, you couldn't get the skirt on me fast enough. Hell, I think I'd enjoy it.
One of my roommates was really involved on campus, especially in student government. Ironically, this organization had crazier parties than most frats. One such house party was my first experience drinking with these people, and it was put together to protest a leadership conference that all of them had to attend the next morning at 7:30 on a Saturday. They figured if they couldn't get out of it, might as well show up shitfaced. Seeing as how I didn't know anyone at this part, I stayed in the background most of the night, getting trashed off of cheap keg beer. As the night wore on, I realized I was nearly too drunk to stand and plopped down on the stairwell.
A cute girl with nicely displayed large tits wandered up and sat next to me, starting conversation because she thought I was the lone wallflower. I played along. Since I had moved there, I had yet to make any legitimate passes at girls since recently being out of a relationship. She actually went to a school in the next city, and was there because she knew one of the hosts. This girl was drunk and all over me. A hookup seemed imminent and easy. She asked if I wanted to go get some late night munchies and having ridden with my roommate, we piled into her car and immediately started making out. We headed to the local 24 hour burger joint, where we made out even more and fed each other fries (Ridiculous, I know. It seemed sexy at the time). By the time we got back to the house, everyone had either left, or passed out to get some semblance of sleep before the conference. The host she knew was passed out face first on the pool table. Seeing this, she took my hand and guided me upstairs to his room.
More making out and heavy petting commenced on his bed, and I managed to work her shirt off as she straddled me. I had my hands on her breasts as she went to take off her bra. I was about to see these in puppies in all their glory. Just as the gates of heaven were about to part, she just stopped and sighed, "I can't do this. My boyfriend is deployed right now. His brother is the one on the pool table and he would be furious with me." I had no answer for this. How do you justify talking someone's lady into boning while he is fighting insurgents in a foreign country? Simple. You can't. She slowly slid off my lap. In turn, I slid off the bed and passed out on the floor. The next morning, the house was a wreck and completely cleared out for the conference. Seeing as how we were the only two not going, I asked if I could bum a ride back to my apartment 4 miles away. She agreed and I headed downstairs to find a beer to kill my awful hangover. I heard the front door slam, and looked around the corner of the kitchen to see her taking off without me. I could only stand dumbfounded as I watched this girl peel out in her crappy Explorer. I tried calling everyone I knew in this town to give me a ride, which equaled a grand total of 4. No one answered, so I began the trek back to my apartment in the freezing cold, stopping briefly at a gas station to grab a sandwich and a water.
So I was hanging out at one of my favorite college bars on a random Friday night. I was hanging out with my friends, when this girl, we'll call her Shannon, comes up to me. Shannon and I had a pretty much blackout hookup on new year's eve about two weeks before, and we did not really know each other that well before then. However, our interactions the next morning allowed us to meet a little bit better, and it turns out she was a nurse who was three years older than me, and worked at my university's hospital (I am a senior).
Anyways, so on this random Friday, we started hitting it off at the bar, and it becomes pretty clear what is going to happen later on the night. We basically both got really drunk at the bar, and ended up taking a cab back to her condo. When we get back, we're hooking up in her bedroom, both naked, and things are looking good. I start to try and give her the old finger blast, but she says no because she is on her period. But the way she says it is very weird, as she laughs strangely, and is naked in the first place. I was drunk and confused, as I thought she might be joking. We kept hooking up, and at some point I get on top of Shannon, and she clearly wants to have sex. My drunken mind says there is no way she would want to do that if she was on her period, so we end up having sex that night, as well as the next morning with no problem.
I think nothing of it, just assuming Shannon was making a weird joke (She was kind of a weird girl in the first place). Anyways, she gives me a ride home the next morning, and I go back to sleep for a few hours. Later that afternoon, she texts me and says she needs a favor and to come over. I ignore it, but she then calls me and says I need to come over. My immediate thought is word, she wants another round with me. I drive over to her house, and she says that we did something stupid last night. Shannon explains that during our sex, the tampon that she was wearing (is that the way to put that?) had been pushed up into her vagina, and she could not get it out. She puts a towel down on her bed, hops on top and spreads her legs with her panties off. She then tells me that I need to get her tampon out. I obviously had no idea what to do, and I assume this could be a real medical problem because she is a nurse. So I have to stick my hand into her dry, tight vagina, with no foreplay whatsoever, and search for her tampon. I have no idea what I am feeling for, yet I feel something and just start pulling. It starts to come out, so it's clearly the tampon. As I am slowly pulling it, the smell in the room was foul. I start to feel the blood start slowly rushing out onto my hand, and all I am thinking is don't look down. I pullit out more and more, and finally start to feel the string in the tampon, which feels absolutely disgusting. I break down and look, and my entire hand is covered in blood, as well as the sheets and towel on the bed. I pull my hand out quickly and tell her it's half way out, and she can handle the rest herself. I go to wash my hands, and we have an awkward conversation, before I leave her house. I have never been more traumatized in five minutes in my entire life, and I caught a whiff of the smell on my hand on the drive home and started dry heaving.
Why did she ask you to pull it out? She's a nurse. Why not see a doctor? I call bullshit on you, stringpuller!