Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Gilbert Arenas, who spends $5,000 a month to feed his pet sharks, was served with child support and papers at halftime of the Magic/Heat game Thursday night. The Associated Press, which first reported a process server stopped Arenas as he walked off the floor, obtained court documents regarding a California petition filed by Laura Mendoza Govan, identified as Arenas' girlfriend. The next night, he scored 10 points off the bench in his return to Washington where he once played, and where he once brandished cold steel in the locker room. [Orlando Sentinel] (H/T Choo for the sharks wrinkle.)
• Redskins owner Daniel Snyder hasn't given up on $100 million man Albert Haynesworth, for whom a warrant was issued yesterday on charges that he punched a 38-year-old man during a road-rage incident in Fairfax County, Va. [PFT] [Reuters]
• The USC nanny state banned all players from going on Everson Griffen's substantially hyped Super Bowl Weekend trip to Vegas. [ESPN]
• While University of Nebraska football offensive coordinator Shawn Watson hasn't been fired (yet), the school's website started fielding resumes yesterday for an assistant-coach/football position "responsible for offensive game preparation, on-field strategies and game tactics." [University of Nebraska Lincoln] SI.com reports Watson didn't attend the signing-day festivities. (H/T Mark)
• After the University of Georgia's mascot UGA VIII died of lymphoma after a half-season on the job, an Atlanta columnist wrote a piece headlined, "An Uga is NOT just another dog; it's the best dog in the world." Aw. [AJC]
• The Orioles sign Vlad Guerrero, become instant contenders. [Baltimore Sun]
• The top two picks in last year's NFL draft — Sam Bradford and Ndamukong Suh — were named the offensive and defensive rookies of the year. [ESPN]
• Charlie Davies, the soccer player who survived a near-death car crash in Oct. 2009, is trying to impress at D.C. United camp. Says team GM Dave Kasper ...
"We see he's healed. He's made progress. We want to see how he does over seven days. Can he handle the wear and tear . . . the intensity, the physical demands on players of playing every single day? ... "We need to see signs that those [skills] are still there, or he's close to getting them back." [Washington Post]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files ... Despite giving up 35 points in the first quarter, Sixers beat the Knicks last night [Philadelphia Inquirer]. Newcastle United vs. Arsenal on Fox Soccer Channel at 10 a.m. [Arsenal Mania]. But whatever, let's meet the Russian hockey fan who won a contest to appear in the Russian version of Playboy [Daily Picks and Flicks].