Verizon Wireless Store Employees Are The Devil’s AfterbirthS

Yesterday I had to go to a Verizon Wireless store to get the numbers from my old phone transferred over to a phone I had just purchased. (Not an iPhone. Fuck you for owning one, Mr. I Can Afford A Data Plan.) And after 15 minutes in that fucking store, I can now say, without hyperbole, that Verizon Wireless store employees are officially worse than car dealers. I'd far rather deal with car salesmen. Shit, I'd spend a week in a prison cell with a car salesman if it meant never having to deal with fucking wireless phone salesmen ever again.

You walk in that store and there are 50 goddamn vulture employees ready to pounce on you. You can feel them raping you with their eyes. You may as well have 50 pounds of raw steak strapped to your body.

One of these guys comes up to me. I tell him what I need done in a very polite manner.

HIM: Are you a Verizon landline customer as well?

ME: Yes.

HIM: Internet?

ME: Yes.

HIM: FiOs?

ME: No. DSL.

Huge mistake. Enormous mistake. I shouldn't have said SHIT. I should have just kept my fucking head down and not even answered any of this man's questions. Because the second "DSL" came out of my mouth, some deep-voiced cocksucker with dreadlocks standing next to him pipes up.

COCKSUCKER: DSL? Did you know FiOs is up to 30 times faster…

ME: Yeah yeah yeah. I know.

COCKSUCKER: You have DSL these days, you may as well be usin' a typewriter!

Holy shit, seriously? People like you fucking exist? Did you assholes not get the manual on how to be a civilized human being? YOU GLASS CUNT. I don't have FiOs because it's fucking expensive. I know it's faster. Do I look fucking retarded to you? Do I look like an 80-year-old grandma who doesn't understand why her computer doesn't have a rotary dial? I already know all this, which means that I must have a good reason for NOT purchasing it. You fucking people have hounded me about this for YEARS. You want me to upgrade? You fucking pay for it.

I walk away from that dipshit the second he started yapping and I go stare at the fucking wall just so that I can do something besides be anywhere near the guy. But he pulls in another employee and begins talking to him, very loudly, about all the things that make FiOs superior to DSL. He does this explicitly so that I can overhear him. Why? BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO FUCKING BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY. "You see, DSL only processes 400 bits a second…"

You listen to me, Verizon. I know Louis CK says it's unreasonable to be mad at Verizon, because technology is a miracle and all that, but for once I must disagree with the funniest man in America. This isn't 1982, okay? No one likes loud, obnoxious, bullying, fuckfaced salesmen who try and get you to buy something by challenging your manhood or whatever the fuck. Does this technique really work for you? Does engendering blind hostility in any customer who walks in the fucking door improve your sales numbers? I'm already in your store. I already bought a goddamn phone from you. FUCK. YOU. DIE. DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE.

There is an epidemic of upselling going on in America right now. It's never good enough for me to buy your product. You can't be satisfied with just that. No, no. Fucking Verizon and the like have to go pushing their luck by trying to get me to buy MORE shit, shit I would have already purchased had I needed it. Stop trying to upsell me, corporate America. I can't walk into a wireless store or call for fucking customer service without some prick fuck reading me an upsell pitch off a laminated notecard. Save your pointless swindling for some mouthbreather who likes Taylor Swift. I'm not gonna buy your fucking FiOs. In fact, I'm going back to dial-up just to piss you off. Choke on shit and die.

Verizon people are the devil's santorum.