Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase five heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I had a thing for this girl at work but never did anything about it until she left the company. A couple months pass and she invites me to her birthday party at a bar. It was super crowded so I didn't get much face time with her until I was leaving. Having been drinking heavily and now feeling like Superman, I walked straight up to her, told her happy birthday and stuck my tongue down her throat before immediately walking out of the bar. In my drunken haze, I was quite sure this was the smoothest move I could have ever performed. My buddies and I head to another bar and continue drinking and a couple hours later I get a text from her asking if I want to go hot tubbing at her friend's place which just so happens to be in my neighborhood. Thinking I'm definitely going to score, I tell her I'll be there in ten minutes. I live in a beach town so I just decided to ride my bike since it was close and I'm in no condition to drive. As I pull up to the address (on my bike), I see that it's a million dollar high rise. I'm not sure who laughed more, the security guard or me when in my drunken stupor, I slurred the question of "Could you please tell me where I can lock up my bike"?
Now here is where the night gets weird. I go upstairs, knock on her door and she answers it and invites me in. Immediately a German Shepherd the size of a horse runs right up to me and smashes its nose against my cock. It was wearing one of those covers over its snout because obviously, this dog will rip someone's throat out if left unsupervised. Writhing in pain, I sit down and her two friends come out to introduce themselves. To my complete surprise, they are both in wheel chairs. One of the rollers \ says, "who's ready to go to the hot tub?" So the four of us go up to the roof top and there is a wheel chair device that is supposed to drop them in, kind of like the giant claw that grabs teddy bears at arcades. Only the machine isn't working which infuriates the wheelies who start discussing conspiracy theories that management doesn't like them because they can't walk and this was done on purpose, etc.
As a gentleman, I kindly offer to pick the wheelies up and put them in the hot tub and they both act insulted like I just asked them for a hummer. One of them even says, "You're extremely drunk. I don't want you even thinking about holding me over concrete." So my friend and I sit in the hot tub alone while the wheelies hover above and earn special olympic gold medals for cock blocking. They're not even really talking, just sitting above us, watching my every move.
I repeatedly try to finger the girl in the hot tub thinking she won't mind because the water isn't clear so her bitchy friends will never know but she's not having any of it and keeps sliding my hand away. After about thirty minutes, one of the wheelies finally decides she's had enough and asks my friend, "Do you want to walk your friend out?". Still holding out the drunken unlikely chance I might get blown in the elevator soon proves hopeless as the wheelies literally followed me down to the front entrance. To make matters worse, I forgot where I put my bike and had to ask the bellman where the bike rack was. Again.
God, cripples are so cranky. Who pooped in your oatmeal, Stumpy?
My junior year of college, my friend Jay had a huge crush on our friend Sarah, but he had been unable to convert on their substantial flirtation because she was constantly surrounded by her cadre of overprotective girlfriends. One of these, Sandi, was pretty good-looking, large in the chest, and sort of known as being a little loose. So I, brilliantly, suggested that the four of us go out together, and secretly schemed with Jay that I would try to take Sandi out of the picture, leaving Jay and Sarah alone together at last.
Part I of the plan proceeded nicely: we all went out and got shitfaced together, and everyone came back to my dorm room afterward. Part II came together too: Sandi, it turns out, was quite receptive to my advances. She suggested we all watch a movie. This being 1999, we were limited to what I had on VHS tape, so Se7en it was. An odd choice for the mood we were trying to foster, but Sandi and I started making out anyway, and it was clear that Jay and Sarah were going to leave together. The trap was set.
Unfortunately, right before their departure, Sarah got a phone call that two of her other girlfriends were coming to meet us. I think they had been suspicious when they didn't get invited for the night out. And so Jay's night was over, killed by a run-of-the-mill cockblocking.
Sarah left, Jay went to another room, and Sandi and I continued on the couch in my dorm room. It quickly became clear that this was going some place, and three minutes in, we were both naked, I had full access to her beautiful rack, she was going down on me, and doing it well.
But nothing is ever that simple. After a few minutes of this, I could no longer ignore the movie dialogue on the screen. The sucking sounds were now punctuated by Mills and Somerset discovering various gruesome crime scenes. The fat guy. The sloth guy waking up in the bed. "He chewed off his own tongue long ago." The remote was all the way across
the room, and when on several occasions I tried to get up to turn it off, she said, "it's fine, don't worry about it." Well, I don't remember when I finally did get the TV off, but the fact that I had seen the movie 10 times already meant that even though I wasn't looking at the screen, every minute of the action was seared deep into my brain, and when I looked over at her I couldn't see anything but the distended body on the table, bucket of vomit underneath, or the pound of flesh shredded on the floor of the lawyer's office. Everything went soft, and I could sense that Sandi was not really up to a whole lot of fluffing to get things going again. And now my night was over too.
Oh man, there's nothing worse than an inappropriate hooking up movie. Take it from a dude who tried to seduce a girl after she had just seen Dead Man Walking.
I had just gotten back from some Army training near the end of the summer and decided to go over to a friends house to do some pre-gaming before going out. I met this friend through work and she invited me over to drink with her, and her two female roommates. Even though my tolerance was complete shit at the time because I had not drank in over a month, I started drinking high-proof rum very fast. A couple hours of drinking later, the one girl I was friends with and one of the roommates wanted to go out but the other roommate whispered in my ear that I should stay behind and continue to drink more with her. I knew exactly what that meant so I said yes.
The two girls left and once the door shut the other girl was all over me. We quickly made it to the bedroom and shed out clothes and before ya know it I was at third base and headed for home. I put on a condom and we started to fuck. I don't know if this is the proper term but she was a "squirter" and we made a mess all over the bed. While we were still going at it, the bedroom door opened and the lights turned on, and the two girls who had left earlier were standing there with a complete look of horror on their faces. The other roommate, the one I wasn't fucking, started screaming and crying and saying "Why are you in my bed? Get the hell out of my bed!" etc. etc. I jumped up, completely naked in front of the three girls, still completely erect grabbed my clothes and ran in the living room to get dressed. The girl started chasing me as I'm throwing my clothes on and she quickly kicked me out of the house. I walked home with the biggest shit-eating grin on my face, but still with very blue balls. Unbeknownst to me, we had gone in the wrong room and completely soiled that other girl's bed.
God, it's just a bed. Why so possessive, missy?
There is a good friend of mine that I've always wanted to fuck that comes out on weekends and gets hammered with me. Since I live walking distance to the downtown bar district, he has stayed at my house to avoid a DUI. This conveniently leads to me making out with him. Most of the time he passes out before we can seal the deal. One night I was going to a concert and he accompanied me.
I proceeded to get shit hammered in VIP since the drinks were free. I fell into several people, including a very large bouncer that said I couldn't be there anymore. I said, "lets go back to my place," hoping to finish what we started this time. On the stumble home (notice I didn't say walk) I fell no less than 10 times...in a dress. Once we finally reached my apt building I proceeded to face plant and bust my eyebrow wide open on the tile entrance. Bleeding profusely, laughing uncontrollably we take a cab to the ER where I get stitched up. After following the trail of blood back up to my apartment like Hansel and fucking Gretel I pull him into my room to make out with a bloody, scratched up, incredibly drunk version of me. As I lie in my bed, feet elevated and two ice bags on each knee, I'm still trying to pull some of my best moves.
As I try to go for the promised land he says, "I'm going back out." But not without asking, "Hey you know you're friend Leslie, she's pretty hot. Is she cool? I'm supposed to go out with her tomorrow night." Fucking sidewalks.
Pour one out for the drunk girl. You gotta love that effort.
Was in my first year of law school and met a young Milf out one night partying after a huge exam. She and I had a lot in common, and she confided that she had two young daughters like 3-5.
Recently separated from her rich older husband, she was eager to hook up. I come over one night as directed and sneak in quietly to not awaken the kids. We begin to go at it, her spread eagle on her bed's edge me buck naked on my knees face deep when a knock at the door springs her up bucking me in the face splitting my lip. She rushes to the door simultaneously pushing me into her bathroom. Needless to say I spend the next hour stark naked in her dark bathroom as she consoles her sick daughter in her bed.
Eventually the kid passes out she opens the bathroom tosses me my clothes and asks me to sneak out. Next time I hear from her was like a month later she apologized for that night and told me a week later the husband and her had a domestic violence incident and didn't want me to get further involved. I think the kid ratted me out to daddy after seeing my clothes all over mommy's room.
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Image by Jim Cooke