A Golden Shower Isn’t Fun If You Didn’t Ask For One

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase six heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.

Connor:

I am a college student, and I live in a house with four other guys. One of our friends who lives in a sorority wanted to have a birthday party at our house, so we got some kegs and had roughly 200 people in our house over the course of the night, typical college party. The birthday girl tried to set me up with one of her sorority sisters, but the I didn't get a good chance to talk to her during the night, and she left before most people started to clear out, where I would have had a much better chance with her. So around three in the morning, I fall asleep in my bed, alone.

Around five in the morning, I hear my door open. I'm not fully awake, but I can see this girl slowly enter my room, squat, and start to pee. Not really knowing how to handle the situation, I walk next door to the actual bathroom and grab some paper towels to clean up the mess. I reenter my room, flip on the light and discover that she has pissed on my backpack. I carefully take the books out so they wont get ruined and clean up any splashes of piss on the floor. I then turn around to get back in my bed, only to discover that this girl has passed out in my bed in the time it took me to walk to the bathroom and clean up her piss. I recognize her as the girl one of my roommates was making out with earlier, so I realize that his night was a success. I decide to take the high road in this situation and walk downstairs to sleep on a lounge chair in the living room.

It takes me awhile to fall asleep, but about a half hour later I was starting to. I heard someone walking down the stairs, but didn't think anything of it. The next thing I know, I hear the unmistakable sound of someone peeing, and can feel it hitting the blanket I was using to sleep with. I open my eyes to see the birthday girl's boyfriend relieving himself on my blanket. I yell at him to stop peeing, and he manages to stop the flow (glad he practices those kegels). He then walks the five feet to our door, but struggles opening the lock. I bolt up, unlock the door and open it for him, and he resumes peeing on one of our chairs on the front porch.

So my night included me not landing the girl I was supposed to be set up with, getting my stuff pissed on, and getting pissed on while I was under a blanket.

If I had a nickel for every time…

James:

At some point during the night, my ladyfriend L (full name withheld) and I decided to leave the bar and go hookup somewhere. We both lived on the other side of town, and rather than take one of the 20 cabs sitting DIRECTLY in front of the bar, we decided it was easier to walk back to my buddy Ivor's apartment a few streets over and just use his place to do our thing.

We made it back alright, but when we got there, there was already a few people crashed out on his couches, no problem we'll take his room. FAIL...he is ass naked facedown on his bed already. We do the next "logical" thing, we head to the bathroom and close the door. We attempt the standard, "you sit on the sink, I'll stand" maneuvers, but it is completely unsuccessful as I am over 6' tall and the angles just aren't working for anyone.

We proceed to move to the floor, which lasts about 30 seconds before we are both hurting from the hard tile floor. Then it hits us...why not just sit on the toilet? GENIUS. We are back at it, things are going great, we are comfortable, etc etc...But after a few minutes I start to feel like the tank behind me is creaking a little bit, but I say nothing because there is no way I want this to stop, so she keeps going at it.

Now I am starting to worry because she is literally slamming me into the tank, which now has the full force of my body weight and hers pinning it into the cheap apartment wall. In a moment that was likely only about 2 seconds, but seemed like an eternity, the tank suddenly gave way, and I felt shards of porcelain go right into my back, we slammed into the wall at full force, and the whole toilet shattered into pieces. We fell onto the bathroom floor as the shards flew everywhere, pipes snapped, cold water is shooting everywhere, and after the initial shock of impact wore off we were struggling to get to our feet to find a light switch to assess the damage. By the time we found the lights, there were already a few inches of water on the floor and it was seeping into the hallway.

We spent the next few minutes shoving towels under the door to block the water as we finally found the valve to stop the water. There we are—butt naked, soaked in toilet water, bleeding here and there from the toilet shards still stuck in our backs, feet, legs, wherever, and now standing in our friend's apartment bathroom that is now partially flooded. We soaked up the water in whatever we could find, and woke up Ivor to tell him what happened. He was still blacked out and only offered us a casual "yeah its cool man," not fully realizing what we had just told him, so we fled the scene. We walked all the way back to my place on the other side of town stinking of Nighttrain and toilet water.

The next morning, Ivor came over for some weekend day drinking at our pool, and he placed a large portion of a broken toilet bowl in the center of my living room floor, and simply sat next to it and said, "I went to take a beer shit this morning, but this is all I could find. I had to take a shit in the burrito place downstairs." I ended up having to go to the hardware store that day and buy my friend a new toilet.

Might want to get him a new bath mat too.

G:

Five years ago I met this girl, Melanie, on the second day of class freshman year. We hit it off well and found out we both had a lot of stuff in common including we were both out of state students from the same state. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend who lived in our home state six hours away and I was too much of a pussy to make a move even though they fought all the time and the guy was a piece of shit. To make matters worse, she ended up transferring at the end of the year to a state school in our home state. After that, we lost contact for two years, but last year I transferred to the rival state school back in my home state, which is very close to her school and we started talking again.

A couple weekends ago, she wanted to come up and party with me and my friends, and asked if it was ok to crash at my place that night. Everyone comes over to my place (which is a one bedroom apartment, so no roommates to cock block me) and we start the night out right by taking a shot and completing a power hour. Next we all head to the bar and Melanie proceeds to buy both of us AMFs and we go out on the dance floor where I'm sure I showcased my sloppy moves to their fullest.

Soon enough another friend bought us some shots and the rest of the time at the bar is hazy and I have no clue how we managed to get back to my place. After stumbling around, Melanie and I are in my bed and she is talking to me about something and I decide it's a good time to blurt out, "I really want to kiss you right now." She proceeds to freak out by saying in a screechy, high pitched voice something along the lines of "We can't do that! We're friends! Friends don't do that kind of thing!" I think I passed out shortly after getting completely and utterly shot down and when I woke up the next morning Melanie was no longer in my bed, but instead was asleep on my couch. She heard me stumbling around, got up, made some quick awkward small talk with me, said a quick goodbye and left. Not even copious amounts of alcohol could dislodge me from the Friend Zone.

Oof. Have a heart, Melanie!

N:

Through various unfortunate events and tragic circumstances, I was still a virgin at 24 years old. Anyway, I was a year out of college, unemployed, and living with some friends in a house just outside a college town. We host a party with plenty of people, including local college chicks. One particular attendee was a good looking girl—21, maybe 20 years old that I had kinda flirted with before. I knew she had a boyfriend, but I also knew she fucked my roommate a month or two back so the boyfriend situation certainly wouldn't be a problem. The fact she and my roommate fucked didn't phase me at all either, I was 24 and a virgin, I didn't give a shit.

So cut to the action, and after the party winds down we're both fairly drunk and stripped down to underwear in my bed. We start making out and she says, "So I hear you're a virgin." My fucking roommate. The guy was such a dickbag, of course he'd tell her this. Luckily she says it's okay and very patiently waits for me as I struggle to remove her bra. I'm not kidding when I say it takes me 5 straight minutes of drunken fumbling with that damn clasp. She actually coaches me through it. So I think: This girl is cool. She totally understands. I'm getting laid tonight.

Fast forward a bit and I'm going down on her. She seems to be quite enjoying it when she swaps positions and starts blowing me. At this point I'm loving it and say, "I've got a condom in my dresser." Her reply? "Oh we're not having sex." Realize now, that she has to take my dick out of her mouth to say this. "Then what the hell are we doing?," I ask. "Just fooling around. You're a virgin and your first time should be with someone special." She keeps blowing me as I lay there in stunned silence. She stops after a minute (way before I'm anywhere near cumming) and cuddles up next to me. No amount of reason or pleading could sway her to continue, so I spent the rest of the night wallowing in misery, spooning with a naked chick that wouldn't fuck me, not because she had a boyfriend or didn't like me, but because I was a virgin and didn't want to ruin me.

Ladies: Any girl who takes our virginity is "someone special." Write it down.

Bummer:

We're making our way through the mob of drunken college kids and I run into some chick who one of my friends had dated for a while. She's there with a hot friend; there are two of us, two of them — win right? We get some drinks and move in. The girl I know, Lauren, is bat-shit crazy

Anyway, it would have been a cakewalk to get with her, and I always felt she wanted to, but she dated by buddy so I figured I owed it to him to steer clear of her. BUT, Robert doesn't know her ex, so I also figure he's fair game and I'll try for her hot friend. I never actually figure out her name, but it actually starts working out. The girls are buying it. I'm actually keeping HotGirl entertained with whatever is spilling out of my mouth. We eventually get a table and I proceed to get hammered to keep up the courage. Somehow HotGirl is onboard with my game, and I'll be the first to say it's not much. Robert and Lauren are solid, and HotGirl is rubbing my thigh under the table. Win.

It quickly becomes a question of how long is an appropriate amount of time to stick around this bar before checking out and knocking boots. Robert and Lauren make the first move. Robert throws me his key and says they're getting out of there. Cool. I wait a bit and HotGirl and I head out. I take Robert's car and we drive back to her place. On the way, HotGirl gets a phone call, but I don't pay much attention because I'm trying to keep it between the lines. We get to her house and she says, "That was Lauren."

Me: cool.

HotGirl: She says you and she had a thing together a while back. She said you're trouble and have a bunch of STDs and I should definitely not fuck you tonight.

Me: what?

HotGirl: She says you and she had a thing together a while back. She said you're trouble and have a bunch of STDs and I should definitely not fuck you tonight.

What the fuck do you say to that? I am definitely too drunk to deal with these games.

Me: I don't know what to say to that.

HotGirl: I don't know either. Doesn't matter. Goodnight.

She gets out of the car and I am left sitting in Robert's car wondering what the fuck just happened. BatShitCrazyGirl just cock-blocked me while fucking my friend. BUT WHY? Was it because I spurned her for her hot friend? Who knows?

I yell after HotGirl, "I don't have STDs!"

Too late. Game Over.

I start driving home. I'm not really sure where I am exactly and in my search for something familiar, its not long before I see blue lights in the rear-view mirror.

Me: Well, looks like I'm going to jail.

Turns out, I'm right. I tried explaining to the cop what just happened to me. He gave me a bullshit chuckle and slapped the cuffs on anyway. I spent the next few hours thinking how Robert was getting his penis tugged on and I was in jail. THERE IS NO JUSTICE. He bailed me out a few hours later and told me HotGirl's name. She didn't really look like a Laura.

/Anyway, no hard feelings toward Lauren, I'd hang out with her tomorrow, just to see what she comes up with next.

//I saw Laura(HotChick) a few weeks later in the bars. I went up to the guy she was with and told him she had STDs... He looked at me like I was insane and they still left together. If there is a God, he ditched her after she dropped him off.

LastXit:

The summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college, I went back to work where I grew up and subsequently lived with my parents. Unfortunately, the transition from being a high school boy into a college man (in my mind) didn't buy me any extra "freedoms" on the home front. Curfew, no booze, and no ladies in my room were still strictly enforced. However, when the opportunity presented itself, I broke these commandments on a regular basis, like any late teen American male. My girlfriend at the time and myself would occasionally hook-up at my parents house whenever the premises was clear, leading to this bizarre exchange one weekday morning:

(Early morning, father comes to my room before leaving for work and wakes me)

Father: (In a whispering voice)"Have you been having sex in the house"?

Me: "Huh? No…"

Father: "Are you sure? The septic tank backed up and I had to have a repairman come and fix it. Turns out there were a large amount of condoms backing it up."

Me: (Obviously realizing I was caught and feeling the size of an ant) "Oh, umm, yeah… I've had sex here a few times with ‘girlfriend'…."

Father: (Slightly disappointed but taking it pretty well) "Ok, that's what I figured… Listen, I'm glad you're using protection but please don't have any more sex in our house and for god's sake don't flush them down the toilet anymore."

Me: (Happy to hear I won't be destroyed) "You got it, won't happen again, I promise… are you going to tell mom?"

Father: "No, I won't tell your mother, just be smarter next time…"

With that, I thought the situation was behind me and felt great that I was able to survive the ordeal with no residual damage. I went to work that day without thinking much more on the subject. That afternoon, after parking my car, I approached our front door which had a window and could see my mother and father standing, as if anticipating my arrival. I opened the door to see tears coming down my mom's face.

Mother: "What is wrong with you! I can't believe what you have been doing in our house!"

I gave my father a quick glaze; he returned a stone-faced look showing no emotion and no pride. I can promise you that no fornicating on my part has happened on the property since…

I can only imagine.