Kickball Rec League Captain Sends Out Fantastically Bitchy Email To His Underperforming Team

An Atlanta-area kickball team recently suffered a demoralizing 20-0 loss. Yes, we're familiar with how serious some people are about their kickball and it's never fun to get blown out. However, if you have to play with this fun lovin' bunch of sad-sacks it's still inexcusable to go all Earl Weaver on them no matter how frustrated you get. Especially over email. Lucky for us, one player decided to share this tantrum with the world.

From the player:

I signed up as a free agent in a kickball league with my friend Margo. We hoped to be assigned to a team that would win at least a few games but that would prioritize fun and beer over victory. didn't work out that way. Luckily I never had a chance to attend one of our games before the team captain sent out this fantastically hostile email after the team's first loss. I wasted $50 on signing up, but the entertainment value of this email is priceless. I redacted all of the names mostly because this is the only time in my life I foresee an opportunity to redact something.



————— Forwarded message —————
From: [redacted]
Date: Tue, Mar 29, 2011 at 11:31 PM
Subject: Our game tonight
To: [redacted]

Let me ask a real simple question... What was that? Seriously, did you guys just think you could show up and win? That was pathetic. Again, pathetic. I know we kid around a lot and try to have fun and a good time, but what is the point if you guys aren't even going to try? I can count several instances, and not to name names but I think I will this time just to get my point across...
[redacted], are you just trying to show off your speed by letting the ball drop in front of you when you play the outfield so you can run and get it? joke. Do you not care? If you don't care that is fine, but some of us do.
[redacted], how about running out your kicks after they're in play instead of just jogging down to first base as though it doesn't matter. joke. you got very lucky the ref called you safe. you were out.
[redacted], your obp% is the worst on the team. I thought you played before.
[redacted], great pitching and defense... yeah right, I can count about 3 or 4 plays in my head where you just allow them, basically, to reach base and score, and you probably cost us 5 runs single handedly. great job dude.
Some of you guys are striking out, others can't catch a pop fly, others don't even know which base to throw the ball to. Are you guys adults. Thought this was an adult kickball league, as in you act like adults and play the way you are supposed to.

Do you want to play?

I thought you joined this league to be competitive and win, but maybe I thought wrong.
Tell ya what, if any of you guys are going to bring that lame shit out to field next week, why don't you do us all a favor and just stay home and watch t.v. instead. Seriously, I am embarrassed to be a part of this. We LOST 20 - 0 tonight. That is a freaking joke.

Again, I know we joke around and try to have fun, and I'm not trying to be Mr. Serious here, but that was not fun. I am not kidding, don't come next week if you are going to act like a bunch of children out there.

Thank you to the people who did try tonight:

mainly [redacted], myself, [redacted], and [redacted]. and [redacted].
The rest of you better think about what I'm talking about unless you don't care in which case we don't want you coming out anyway.


Now this could be an ironic way of making fun of other people who take their recreational kickball too seriously. If it is, great. If not? Well, bless Captain FUCKING JOKE's swollen heart because with those type of people skills he probably has a future of aimless middle management at an office supplies retail chain ahead of him.