Although it isn't kickball and isn't bitchy in the least bit, this next overwrought email is a beauty. This one hails from the Rocky Mountains, where one 35-year-old man part-time subbed in for his his girlfriend's intramural softball team. He always took the games more seriously than most but after one-too-many obnoxious comments to his teammates and run-ins with the umpire, his fed up girlfriend walked out on him during the game. So he felt compelled to type up this heartbreakingly earnest apology for his embarrassing display to her and the entire team. Prepare to cringe.
Some background from one of the other players who witnessed the carnage:
I was on a really bad softball team at the University of Colorado, and we had this 35 year-old guy on our team who was the boyfriend of some law student who played with us. He was the super-intense guy in beer league who would wear baseball pants, try to stretch singles into doubles only to be thrown out by 10 feet, and would Knoblauch every throw over the dugout. We were in the worst league possible and most of us just went to get shitfaced. One night he was so intense that his girlfriend left him at the game, and this e-mail followed.
The team was 0-8 at the time. They were still encouraging some members to buy gloves. But Paul just can't help himself sometimes. Clearly.
From: Paul [Redacted]
Subject: RE: Amazings - REMINDER
Date: Friday, August 31, 2007, 3:44 AM
Good evening team. Yes, I said TEAM. I know, after my child like actions tonight, it would seam as though I don't know the meaning of the word. In fact, I actually do. After tonight's poor display I learned that team is not about one person and like all coaches in the world say, "There is no I in team".
I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all of you for my shitty attitude toward you all earlier this evening. I made an ass of myself and worst of all I made an ass of the one person that I love the most. Victoria . For that I am truly sorry. All I can ask is that you don't judge Victoria for my poor attitude. I am devastated that I have acted in such a manor as to embarrass her in front of all of her friends and classmates. Again I am truly sorry and I promise it will NEVER happen again. I realized tonight that winning means nothing if you have no one to share it with afterwards. Victoria , I am sorrier than I can explain. I hope that you can forgive me. (P.S. you're the one I want to share the wins with.)
As for the rest of the season, I would love to continue playing ball with you all and get to know you all better. I hope that I can be forgiven and that we can all just go out there every week and HAVE FUN! I will keep my mouth shut and I won't harass the umpire anymore either. In closing, I again want to say that I am sorry and I will be better from now on. Thanks again for having me on your team. You are all truly amazing (I don't know about flaming, but we will see) and I have learned a lot from you all in such a short amount of time. Thanks again for the good times and I am sorry for tonight.
Oh Paul, Paul, PAUL. Christ, man.
Have you received a similar email from an rec league moron? Send them along, please.