Surly Flag Football Coach Needs Team To Learn How To "Grab A Fucking Flag And Pull It Off." STATS

I can't get enough of the unhinged fuckery that exists in adult recreational sports. Like this flag football coach, who has had it with his team's uninspired performances right before the playoffs. That can't happen if you play for this coach (of flag football) if you want to be champions (of flag football) and you don't practice (flag football), well, you'll find no sympathy from Coach Ball Buster over here.

[sic]'d and [Redacted] to protect the guilty:

Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2010 20:33:08 -0600

To: [redacted]
Cc: [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted]
Subject: Flag Football, Parental Discretion is Advised

Alright, so for those of you who know me and my coaching style, you know whats coming. For those of you who don't, only read on if you can handle whatever I say. My strategy is not like Kevin, I don't coddle my team or tell them "good job, we'll win next week". I will call you all out if you suck, and this week, we were fucking terrible. We have 13 people on our team, we are only technically allowed to have 12 on the roster (and that will be enforced if we make the playoffs). Frankly, I'd be happy if we had 9 on the team, so if you want to go home and cry to your mommy that I'm mean, don't show up next week, honestly, I don't give a fuck, we'll have a team. So don't go sending me an e-mail after this saying "wahhhhhhhh, you hurt my feelings, I tried." or "this is a D league football game, you take it too seriously". I'm out here to win. Period. I was always taught to be the absolute best at whatever I do, not just TRY to be the best, regardless of what it is. I enjoy winning just as much as the next guy, and losing sucks. If you aren't here to win, we don't need you. At the end of the day, I don't give a fuck if you tried hard. Sit your ass down if you can't get the job done. Some of you guys completely failed tonight, and that cost us this game. If we make the playoffs, and win, we can get 2 extra games. I want to get my moneys worth this season. We were told by a ref earlier this year that we won't be at this level long, fucking prove him right.
Now, for starters, I'm taking a lot of the blame. I moved around a lot of players, which put a majority of our skilled players on offense thinking that the defense could maintain some dignity and look like a football team. Apparently this is not true. It was also completely my fault for leaving some of your incompetent asses on the field as long as I did. When we were down 20-7, you guys should not have gotten that drive, because they just did the exact same thing and scored on us in about three fucking plays. Absolutely unacceptable.
Ok....so offense. You guys stepped up and did what you could. Apparently, that was where all of our good players were. Good game, you scored some clutch touchdowns to try and give us a chance. We need to work on a goal line play. Our lack of conversions is pathetic, and cost us a chance. Somebody come up with something that works, I don't care if it means having rusty stand on Tommy's shoulders to catch the pass. Matt, you blew the play at the end of the half. You know it, you'll beat yourself up over it, I won't dwell on it. Aside from that, you guys had a good game. No serious complaints and you kept us in it. Maybe more use of the double pass with pat would be nice. Oh yeah, and Eric, you should never get off the field. Ever.
Defense.... ok, you all fucking sucked. Actually not all of you. Props to two people. Andrew... no one, in any sport, ever, I think has questioned your hustle and team player mentality. That showed again tonight. You were extremely effective on both sides of the ball. Keep it up. I wish everyone on our team put in half the effort that you do on every play. Learn from him guys....he doesn't let himself get beat. Second is Kevin. Apparently Kevin is the only player on our team that knows how to grab a flag. Seriously. He saved the touchdown at the end of the first half, and had about 8 other flag tackles this game. Thats because we only stopped them on 8 plays. The rest of you, practice grabbing a flag. I don't give a fuck how you do it, whether its milking a cow, grabbing your wifes tits or your roommates balls or whatever, learn how to grab a fucking flag and pull it off. We looked terrible. They must have had 4000000 yards after the catch. Thats unacceptable. How do you get so faked out (I'm not excluded from this one, I can't stay on my feet and missed about 8 sacks. I need to learn how to grab flags too). And lastly, if you are too short, too white, or just can't jump, get off the fucking dude that can. Why are you trying to cover someone twice as fast and twice as athletic as you. We have players that can cover anyone. Get eric out there if you can't do the job. Eric got a fucking offensive pass interference the one time he covered their all star. The rest of you gave up 4 TDs. It was atrocious.
Ok, I'm done with that rant. We have two weeks left. They are now both must win games. If you are sucking, take yourself out of the game, don't make me do it for you.

See you all next week at 7:45 :)

[redacted]

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