Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Three weeks ago, well before Judge Susan Nelson lifted the NFL lockout, I got an anonymous email from someone claiming to work for an NFL team. I have no way of verifying who this person was, or that their claims are legit. But I'm gonna post the full text of it here anyway, because NFL owners are fuckheads.
FROM: Anon Ymous
RE: FUNBAG: Reliable Information about NFL Owners Financials
I work for and am related to an owner of an NFL franchise. I can't say who I am or anything else without compromising myself and getting myself my in a world of shit, especially during this lockout. But I can say, without any doubt, that this lockout is 100% the result of the owners being greedy. I had access to the records and financial books of this unnamed NFL franchise (a franchise I will admit is constantly struggling and has trouble even selling out games). And in terms of the owners' compensation, they break even with TV advertisements ALONE. This does not include any advertisements within the stadium or anything related; TV advertisements ALONE.
I know that I do not sound like any sort of a reliable source, but believe me when I tell you, this lockout is due completely to the greediness of the NFL owners and nothing less.
I emailed Anon Ymous back and asked if I could see some of the documents he saw. He replied saying he couldn't because he no longer had personal access to them. Ninety minutes later, his email account was erased. INTRIGUE!!!
For his part, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has used this lockout to tell fans that the current Collective Bargaining Agreement was unfair to owners merely because the players liked it. He also wrote a breathtakingly paranoid and stupid op-ed in the Wall Street Journal Tuesday trying to convince you that ending the lockout early is somehow a bad thing. He's a shitty, lousy commissioner who was hired expressly just to steward this particular work stoppage. And he has overseen it with all the authority of a monkey jamming a flashlight up its own ass.
I want you to remember that as we enjoy the draft this evening, a draft that should feature full player trades and potential free agent news but may not because Goodell has ordered his owners to pretend to be idiots and act all, "Well, we just don't KNOW what to do now! Give us a second to gather our papers!" now that Nelson has asked them to, you know, start fucking working again. If this draft isn't quite what it ought to be… if the specter of a rebooted work stoppage hangs over it (and it will), you have Roger Goodell and his band of 32 Art Modells to blame. Period. FUCK THEM. I can't express that opinion strongly enough. I don't need an anonymous emailer to tell me these owners make more money than fucking God. They can all get raped by bears for all I care. Dan Snyder first.
If you're attending this evening draft in person, I want you to do me a favor: BOO. Boo the living fuck out of Goodell. Boo the ginger until he snaps. Let him know just how shitty of a job he's doing. Boo him and yell curse words at him and taunt him with sock puppets. This is one of the few times when Goodell won't be happily ensconced in the friendly confines of the Wall Street Journal's back pages, or in some fawning Peter King profile (His dad was a senator!). He has to go out there tonight and face real fans on camera for the first time since initiating this clusterfuck, one you'd probably find even more appalling if you saw a profit sheet detailing just how much money Mike Brown makes from leasing parking lot space to local rabbit skinners. EAT A FUCKING BAG OF SHIT, GOODELL. EAT IT GOOD.
Now, that out of the way… time for your NFL Draft Jamboroo!
No games, of course. It's just the Draft. We can get straight to the random crap.
• My favorite team doesn't have a third round choice this weekend. And the reason they don't have a third round choice is because they traded it away for Randy Moss, who played a grand total of four games before getting fired for bitching about the catering. You see teams waste away draft choices all the time, but they often do it far removed from the draft, when the annoyance of not having that pick isn't as pronounced. In August, a spent draft pick feels far less tangible. It doesn't seem like you've lost all that much because you can't cash in on the pick for another eight months anyway. But then the bill comes due in April and you realize that you just fucked yourself in the ass.
It's a rotten feeling, regardless of round. Even a sixth round pick. When everyone else is picking in the sixth round your team isn't, it BLOWS. Because it's still an extra player. The round is almost irrelevant. The point of the draft is for your team to bring in a group of new players that you pray will turn out to be the backbone of a championship. And the more picks you have, the more chances at a superstar you feel like you have. That's why a team like New England trades to amass picks all the time. There's no point in falling in love with ONE player and then trading away extra picks – extra chances – in order to procure him. Because if you're smart, you know you could be totally wrong about that player. Much better to keep your multiple opportunities. I fucking hate trading away draft choices. Every GM or owner that trades away draft choices should be tied up and pelted with feces by local fans for the duration of whatever round they aren't picking in.
• I find it amazing that quarterbacks like Cam Newton and Jake Locker can get selected high due to sheer athleticism when it's been proven that athleticism at the QB position is like, the 29th most important quality a quarterback can have. How can any team still get jazzed that Locker ran an excellent 40 time? Who gives a shit? Eluding the pass rush is much more about good timing than it is athletic ability. You feel the rush on your back, you step out of the way at jussst the last second, yell TORO!, and the pass rusher blows right by you like an idiot. There are plenty of athletic quarterbacks who SUCK with this kind of timing. Even Michael Vick has trouble sensing the rush occasionally. It has virtually nothing to do with speed.
• One more note about the lockout, from KSK kommenter FozzieBear:
Actual quote from Goodell's column:
"For many years, the collectively bargained system-which has given the players union enhanced free agency and capped the amount that owners spend on salaries-has worked enormously well for the NFL, for NFL players, and for NFL fans."
Good point. Now remind me again which side opted out of the existing collective bargaining agreement, asshole?
Indeed. By the way, if you made a Venn Diagram of "people who support the owners" and "90-year-old pantshitters who adored Jim Nantz for chastising Shonn Greene for napping in the end zone against the Patriots," those two circles would perfectly overlap.
• The other day I went outside with sunglasses on. Then clouds came and I put the sunglasses in the front of my shirt. Then the sun came back out (waffling little bitch that is), and I went to grab the sunglasses, only one of my chest hairs had gotten stuck in the temples and I ripped it right out. This happens to me at least six times a week. I gotta start using Croakies or something. Croakies are still fashionable, yes?
• Let's make fun of Whitlock for a second. Namely, this tweet:
Let's skip right past Whitlock bragging about his intelligence while fucking up his apostrophes. Listen, you Wire people: Please shut the fuck up. Liking The Wire doesn't mean you wrote the fucking thing. I'm on the fourth season of The Wire, and those The Wire people are right in that the show is truly awesome. But there's no credibility to be had in just telling people you WATCHED the fucking thing. A hidden gem? IT WAS ON FUCKING HBO. It's been critically acclaimed and hailed by many as perhaps the finest TV show ever created. And you can find it anywhere: On Demand, on DVD, on Channel 101 on DirecTV. You don't have to enter some secret society to watch that show. Any asshole can watch it. And you don't have to be intelligent to "get" it (Whitlock alone is proof of that). It has shootings and sex scenes and people swearing all the fucking time. Even stupid people can appreciate that. So don't go treating The Wire like it's some kind of secret fucking handshake between intellectuals. Saying you watched it isn't gonna impress anyone. At all. YA HAPPY NOW, BITCH?
• Speaking of bitches: Michael Wilbon. Particularly, this piece of shit column from last Sunday. There may not be anything worse than a columnist writing a column about why he decided to join Twitter. I THOUGHT TWITTER WAS JUST FOR KRAYZEE PEOPLE! The whole article is a 1,000-word #humblebrag. Magic Johnson and I agreed we'd never tweet, but then he DID! I know lots of athletes and shit!
I don't care about 90 percent of the stuff people are tweeting about.
Oh, I see. So you're joining Twitter, but you're still totally above it. That's pretty much true of everything you do, right Wilbon? Asshole.
• The Royal Wedding is tomorrow morning, which means it coincides with NFL draft weekend. My wife is DVRing the thing, and I'll watch some of it because Kate Middleton is very pretty and if you so much as harm a hair on her head you will reap the fucking WHIRLWIND. She is a wild colt who must be tamed and her hair smells like a mountain spring and just one smile from her could end all the wars. It's true.
Now these two occasions have very little in common, except that both will be branded as non-events by many people, people whose opinion on the matter no one fucking asked for. I'm not all that interested in Royal Wedding (though I do find it highly productive to imagine myself as a single Prince with a dead mommy and tons of hot chicks falling over themselves for my courtship). But if you're gay for it? Hey, that's fine by me, man. We all need interests. But then you get people all up on Twitter like YOU KNOW WHO WON'T BE GETTING UP TO WATCH THE ROYAL WEDDING? ME! BECAUSE I'M WAY ABOVE THAT SHIT! Or people who are like HOW CAN WE BE OBSESSING OVER THIS WEDDING WHEN THERE ARE THREE WARS GOING ON? WOE TO AMERICA! Give me a fucking break. If someone invited you to that reception, you'd swim to fucking London. People who bitch about the Royal Wedding are worse than people who eat it up.
Same with the draft. We all know Wilbon and the like just lovvve to piss all over the Draft because "nothing happens." As if they're the fucking gatekeepers of what people should be interested in and what they shouldn't be interested in. Hey, you know what? If I find it interesting, I don't really give a shit if you approve or not. There's no such thing as a non-event if enough people are interested. Go fuck off to your corner.
Predraft Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Sickman," by Alice in Chains. Very, very difficult to convince a woman to make love to this song.
Embarrassing Album In My iTunes That Will Not Fire You Up
The "Go Diego Go!" live show soundtrack. Not only does this TV show eat hog, but they've also concocted an elaborate, expensive stage version of it, with all kinds of shitty, horrible songs. Every time I have to listen to this album (which is often), I always wonder about the people who have to perform the music. They have to be so despondent that this is where they've ended up. They had hopes, you know. They were going to go to California and make it big. Now they're stuck in Sarasota with a group of burnouts and losers singing "Si Se Puede" for the afternoon matinee in front of a crowd of 1,000 barfy, poopy little shits. You can really sense the anguish in every note.
Announcements And Shit
I'm taking the occasion of the Draft to escape from my hermit cave and get out around town. I'm gonna be doing Steve Czaban and Andy Pollin's pre-draft show live at Redline bar in DC from 5-7PM tonight, then having some drinks and watching the draft for a bit afterwards. Then I'm going to Unsilent's place to take a hit from a vaporizer. We don't really do the Deadspin Pants Party thing anymore, but if you feel like stopping by, I'll be there until probably 8 or 9.
Also, I wrote a second book called "The Postmortal" that's coming out August 30th. You can preorder 750,000 copies of it right now at Amazon if you like. If you're in the UK, the book will be released under its original working title, "The End Specialist." (FACT: I did not recognize the proctological nature of that title until my own mother pointed it out to me. Thanks, ma!) Here's the cover. As for what the book is about, I can't really tell you, because I stole the manuscript off a dead hobo and never bothered to review it before submitting it for publication.
Last thing: Regardless of whether or not there are games, the Jamboroo will be back in the fall. If there aren't any games to play, well shit. I barely talk about football here anyway. I'm more like Peter King than I care to admit. NOW FOR SOME SOX THOUGHTS…
Future Fantasy Player That Will Deserve To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Mark Ingram. I actually really like Mark Ingram, and I think he'd be drafted much higher if NFL teams hadn't all collectively agreed that it's stupid to draft a running back high, given the incredible amount of punishment players take at that position. Anyway, I think Mark Ingram would make for a great NFL back, except that he's going to be drafted by New England and New England is where running backs go to fucking DIE. He's gonna look awesome for the twelve carries per game he'll get, though. Then he'll be swapped out for a blocking back and Tom Brady will throw eighteen consecutive five-yard passes to Welker. I hate the Patriots.
Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit
Oooh, time for Gregggggg's annual mocking of the mock drafts! Because mock drafts are always so inaccurate, Gregggggg would like to point out the fallacy of conducting them with bit of whimsy! So intelligent. He must watch THE WIRE. Are you ready for some high grade Brookings Institution comedy?
2. Denver Broncos. Ken Salazar, Secretary of the Interior…
21. Los Angeles Clippers (from Kansas City Chiefs; projected trade). It makes absolutely no difference who the Clippers draft, and it never will. Note: I've been using this line in my mock of mock drafts for 10 years, and the Clippers have yet to prove me wrong.
OMG! STOP! I CAN BARELY BREATHE! That Cippers joke gets funnier each and every year! It's like magic.
But first, Easterbrook brands DeMaurice Smith a "supervillain" (more than a villain!) and essentially regurgitates the idiotic talking points from Roger Goodell's Wall Street Journal piece:
If the lawsuit succeeds, and it may, the result could be the end of the NFL draft, the end of salary cap and free-agency rules — that is, the end of high-quality competition in professional football.
It'll be the dawn of the Glory Boy Age, I tell you! It should be noted that Smith's legal confrontation – a strategy likely necessitated by the fact that NFL owners were more or less determined to create a work stoppage that dragged into the season – technically ended the lockout earlier this week and may have saved football. But yeah, he's a supervillain.
30. Jersey/B Jets. Grant Easterbrook, left tackle, Bowdoin College: The family will be watching the ESPN Chyron when the seventh round begins — and not expecting to see anything; Grant's headed for the business world. But this was my last chance to mention my oldest in a football context. Note, Grant reports that after his recruiting visits, he chose Bowdoin because it had "the only coaches I visited who seemed to genuinely care about students' experiences outside of the football program." High school players who are getting recruiting calls from colleges: The odds are 80-to-1 that you will never earn a dime in the NFL. Pick your college with education in mind.
LOOK AT HOW PRINCIPLED MY SON IS! That's the kind of Welkerian attitude I wish more collegians would bring to the table. If only all you young recruits were more like my offspring, who's going into the completely principled and not-at-all corrupt world of private banking!
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"In Week 1, I like the Saints getting five points on the road against the Packers in the Thursday Night opener. By now, you've likely heard about historians discovering that the Fuhrer was planning to build a fleet of UFOs to bomb London and New York. And let me tell you something: You have not had an anal probe until you have had a German-engineered anal probe. SMOOTH AS GLASS."
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Jon sends is a story I call SOME KIND OF POOPERFUL:
The weekend before prom, I went on a marching band trip to Chicago. On the bus ride back home to PA, we stopped at a Max and Erma's rest stop on the Ohio Turnpike, where I had some tortilla soup that was nothing short of awful. The next day started the most relentless bout of diarrhea I have ever experienced. It was so bad that I missed school on Tuesday to stay home and shit. Matters improved slightly on Wednesday, and by Thursday my symptoms were completely gone. So when Friday, the day of prom, came I was no longer concerned about my illness.
Flash forward to Friday afternoon. I do everything a 17 year old boy does to get ready for his big prom night: shower, put some goop in hair, spray some cologne, and get dressed into the rented tuxedo. After all this, I'm standing in front of the bathroom mirror, admiring how good I look. At this point I feel the urge to fart, so I let it rip with the thinking that this will be the last time I'm able to fart for the rest of the night.... it comes out as 100% liquid shit. I'm powerless to stop it as I feel the diarrhea streaming down my legs. I take my pants off and the insides are COVERED, all the way down each leg. I released what else I needed to into the toilet, then panicked. I looked for a similar clean pair of dress pants I could pass off with a tuxedo, found nothing that fit me. I was forced to wear the shit covered pants. I got some paper towels and cleaned them up as best I could, then dumped an ENTIRE bottle of cologne on the inside of the pants to try to mask the smell. I switched to briefs, put on a pair of sweatpants to create a double bagging effect should the shits come again, put the shitty tux pants back on, and went to prom. The shits didn't come back, I had a good time, and nobody knew my dirty secret. I didn't even attempt to get any action, but that probably wasn't happening anyway.
My predicament was not over, however. I still had these shit stained tuxedo rental pants that had to be returned to the tux store. I drive back to the tux store the next day. It was very crowded with other people returning their tuxes, so I just set the tuxedo onto the counter and literally RAN out of the store. I never heard a word from them. They probably just threw the pants away, but I still like to imagine that they were cleaned and since then there have been hundreds of boys and men wearing these pants I took a dump in to proms, weddings, etc.
I'll never rent a tux again.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your potential 2011 chopping block:
• Tom Coughlin
• Marvin Lewis
• Tony Sparano
• Chan Gailey
• Gary Kubiak
• Jack Del Rio
• Jim Caldwell
• Norv Turner
• Hue Jackson (no grace period for any Raiders coach)
• Jason Garrett
• Mike Shanahan
• Lovie Smith
• Jim Schwartz
• Pete Carroll
• Ken Whisenhunt
We had eight firings last season. With a little bit of effort, I think we can definitely top it in 2011. If they get the lockout reinstated and I can't watch any coaches get fired, well that's gonna be the saddest news of all.
Drafttime Snack Of The Week
Tuna tartare spring rolls, which are on the menu at the bar this evening. I never get out, because two kids make you a lameass. So when I have a chance to order off a fancypants bar menu, I pounce on it as if it were one of my children besieged by gunfire. I will order you, fancy spring rolls. Oh, yes I will. You have a very important date with my mouth-hole.
Drafttime Cheap Beer Of The Week
BLANCO BASURA! Reader Jon submits this delightful import:
This stuff is sold in 5-pack form, in a lunchbox-styled box with a handle and everything. The name is mangled Spanish for "White Trash", yet the product is proudly made in Mexico and the packaging is colored like the Mexican flag. Like i said, it comes in a 5-pack, with the missing 6th beer actually being a bottle of tequilla. The box boasts "5 beers and 5 shots," and even comes with a cheap little shot glass for quicker consumption. This shit is classic, costs like 9 bucks for 5 beers and a bottle..... the best part though, is the mascot of the company, which is basically the silhouette of a 3-legged dog.
If it's good enough for a three-legged dog, then by gar it's good enough for me. I MUST HAVE IT. The tequila, by the way, is fifty times more terrifying than the beer itself. There's no way that tequila wasn't made from embalming fluid. My head is spinning just looking at it.
Robert Evans' #1 Pick Watch!
Time to start thinking about who will be the #1 overall pick tonight. Legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the number one overall pick tonight is Cam Newton! What a star that young man is! Handsome. Strong. VIRILE. Like a black Monty Clift! Dangerous? YOU BET! Magnetic? ALWAYS. And I love his smile. Black people have such wonderful teeth. They're like sharks that can dance. Young Newton's pearly whites remind me of one of my favorite conquests, the fabulous EARTHA KITT.
"Oh, what a prize she was back then. One smile from that woman had men dropping to their knees. I remember hosting Eartha one night at Woodland, one of my usual Tuesday night backgammon parties. We traded glances all night, and I knew it was only a matter of time before this fast-talking Jew and that wonderful negress were going to become a slice of marble rye in the bedroom!
"If only I hadn't invited Joan Crawford. Oh, what a mistake. Crawford never liked to share any man in any room with any woman. What a vindictive woman she was. Gorgeous? OF COURSE. Liable to tear your throat open with vase shards? ABSOLUTELY. So Crawford sees Eartha and I making googoo eyes at one another and she starts screaming at the poor girl. ‘You think you're so gorgeous with those teeth of yours. Well, now they're going to be MINE!' And she lunges at Eartha and beings attacking her, digging her fingernails into Eartha's gums trying to pry those teeth out! And I tell the girls, ‘STOP! You'll spill the cocaine!' But on and on they fought, breaking plates and glasses and tearing each other's hair out. Then, forty minutes into the melee, they start making love right on the floor. JUST LIKE THAT. Clothes, off! Honeypots, fingered! It was the craziest damn thing I ever saw! And after fine minutes, Crawford looks up from between Eartha's thighs and says to me, ‘You know, Evans, you can make your presence felt at any time, kiddo.' AND DID I EVER!"
Thursday Night Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans (No 1st rounder)
At Close Range. Most people remember this movie only because it featured that one Madonna song. But the movie itself is fucking awesome, with both Sean Penn and Christopher Walken in their primes. AND it has Chris Penn back when he was skinny. Very, very cool.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Isn't it nice we hate the same things?"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Theresa Correa (kinda NSFW) Double the belly chains means double the fun!
• For the gals: Reader Christina sends in the Dolce & Gabbana Italian rugby player campaign. You'd think Italians would be better at rugby, given their predilection for grabbing body parts.
Enjoy the draft, everyone.