A selection of stories from the week we converted to "journalism plus."
Osama Bin Laden's Death Made People Happy, Stupid | A pro wrestler shared the news. Some college kids did backflips. An NFL reporter said some dumb shit about the lockout. A guy in Cleveland was reminded of LeBron James. Our columnist fantasized about killing Hitler.
What Would A 16-Man NBA One-On-One Tournament Look Like? | Back in February, right after Blake Griffin did that car-dunking thing, I talked with Craggs about doing a post outlining a potential 16-man one-on-one NBA tournament. This is because when you have to bring out a fucking car as a dunking prop, your dunk contest has probably outlived its usefulness. (Drew Magary with Tommy Craggs)
• MORE HOOPS: The Infuriating Consistency Of Dirk Nowitzki's Step-Back Jump Shot
Dear Men: Please Stop Grabbing Our Boobs At Sporting Events. Sincerely, Women. | There is a thing that some of you have been doing that we humbly request that you stop doing, and that is grabbing our boobs during sporting events. You usually do this when some kind of recording device is fixed on you and a woman with a boob, and usually when you are making the kind of facial expression one makes when one is doing something revolting or when one is Sammy Hagar. We're not sure how this all got started. (Emma Carmichael)
Dear Men: Grab Me! I'm There For The Taking! Sincerely, Boobs. | Look at me. Look at me just poking right out of my owner's shirt right there. Tell me you don't want to steal a quick grab. You know you do. Some people may disagree with this, but I say if you're out and about and there's a boob like me out there for the grabbing, YOU GRAB ON AND YOU DON'T LET GO. (Drew Magary)
• ALSO: Kathie Lee And Hoda Had Their Own Boob-Grabbing Point-Counterpoint This Morning
Rick Reilly Shuts Down Journalism School, Pisses On Journalism's Corpse, Makes Some Shit Up About MLK | Rick Reilly returned yesterday to the University of Colorado's J-School to deliver a speech to graduates. A 1981 alumni himself, Reilly sent out the last pure CU journalism grads, as the program converts to "journalism plus" next year. Gathered from reports by the Denver Post and Daily Camera, here are some of the words of wisdom he imparted. (Barry Petchesky)
A Special Graduation Message To The Class of 2011 | That's what a celebrity graduation speech really is. It's some fuckface standing up at a podium and reciting their longform resume to you. It has barely anything to do with you. You aren't going to be famous. You probably aren't going to be rich. You're not going to have anything in common with Oprah, or Joy Behar, or whatever dipshit was flown in for free to don a robe and finger their own asshole on stage for you. (Drew Magary)
• THE BALLS DEEP VALEDICTORY ARCHIVE: 2010 | 2009 | 2008
How ESPN Engineered Mark Ingram's Magic Moment | The sentiments were legitimate, patriarchal pathos worthy of Sophocles. Ingram's tears were real. It was TV gold. Kolber, after reading Ingram the letter, stepped aside. But standing back to let the story play itself out is a disingenuous move when Kolber and ESPN created the story. (Barry Petchesky)
Tyler Hansbrough Tackles "Chicken Little," And Other Great Moments In NBA Literature | Reading is fundamental! As part of a partnership with the Indianapolis-Marion County Public Library, kids (or, say, you) can dial up the Call-A-Pacer hotline at (317) 275-4444 to hear your favorite 8-seeds read from their favorite children's books. This week: Tyler Hansbrough reading "Chicken Little." Seriously. (Barry Petchesky)
A Case Study In Incompetence: Dan Snyder's PR Guy, Tony Wyllie | The better portion of Wyllie adult life has been spent crafting messages to stuff into the mouths of more powerful people. He was hired last year by the Redskins and brought "more than 17 years of NFL PR experience with six different teams to Washington," according to a press release. This is commendable? Disinformation merchants like Wyllie get paid to massage reality. Case in point from the same press release about Wyllie: "He spent 1993 as an intern in the PR department with the Dallas Cowboys, earning a Super Bowl ring...." He earned a Super Bowl ring as an intern. Maybe there was a lot of photocopying that season. (Luke O'Brien)
• ALSO: Don't miss the debut of our satirical, non-libelous Dan Snyder group fiction project.
Mike Greenberg Is Getting A Sitcom; Or, Why TV People Think You're An Idiot | The sitcom will revolve around a cipher of a sports talk show host, who's alternately paired with a boorish former athlete co-host and a long-suffering wife, so essentially Mike Greenberg, because Mike Greenberg has a fascinating life and a lot of TV people think you will be interested in watching a fictionalized version of that life. (Barry Petchesky)
Great Moments In Bad Handjobs | I did not quite know what to make of this, but she ended the awkward stunned silence by blurting "How about a hand job?" I figured that since she already called herself a whore that I would be in for the best (and only) handjob of my life, complete with all kinds of new moves I had never thought to use on myself before. I tragically didn't realize then that the penis is a very simple organ and there's only so much a hand can do. (Drew Magary)
Editor-in-Chief: A.J. Daulerio | Senior Editor: Tommy Craggs | Writers: Barry Petchesky, Luke O'Brien | Contributing Editor: Drew Magary | Night/Weekend Editor: Brian Hickey | Video Editor: Emma Carmichael | Contributing Artist: Jim Cooke | Intern: Jack Dickey | Video Intern: Kate Shapiro | Moderators: Comment Ninja Squadron