Your morning roundup for May 19, the day Stanley the adult baby entered the nation's political dialogue, and not a moment too soon. Video via College Baseball Daily.
What we watched: So, the Bulls and Heat were tied at 73. From there, the Heat scored 12 and the Bulls scored two. After the game, Craig Sager couldn't resist a little teet suckling, what with big, strong LeBron James leading the late charge despite a debilitating cold. Bronnie obliged 'im, too, pointing out how the sniffles could be detected in his voice, and how the warm weather of Miami could come to His rescue. My God, how ever did he play?
Side note: When tipster Joel sent in the above picture of the foul-mouthed mayor of Chicago, he posited that Rahm Emanuel was yelling, "Fuck you James, motherfucking douchebag cocksucker motherfucker! I will bury you next to your whore mother!"
With 2:29 left in the fourth, Taj Gibson was surrounded by three Heat players but somehow managed to get the ball into hoop with the help of a defender's hand. He missed the subsequent free throw that would've cut Miami's lead to two. It was over. After Mr. Sniffles hit a three to drive the lead to nine with 47 seconds remaining, the cameras panned to an elder-lady fan in the stands. She was saying something about somebody being "stupid." She could've been talking to anybody after a fourth quarter in which just 24 points were scored.
Game 3 is Sunday night in Miami. (Brian Hickey)
What we're watching: The NBA draft combine starts at 10 this morning, and for anyone who wants to swivel in their office chair as they watch future millionaires do sprints and jumping tests and shoot off the dribble, it's all available for free streaming on ESPN3. Chad Ford reported today that future Cleveland Cavalier Kyrie Irving "is skipping both drills and athletic testing." It's common enough for the presumed top draft picks to opt out of the drills portion, but, as Ford notes, even players like Blake Griffin, John Wall, and LeBron James have endured the athletic testing. Strange choice for Irving, who is most certainly no longer suffering from that pesky toe injury. He has not yet announced if he will participate in the swimsuit portion of the event. (Emma Carmichael)
Canada's only hope takes a 2-0 conference-finals lead: The Vancouver Canucks held serve. With authority. And boobs. So, after getting throttled 7-3, the Sharks head home to San Jose knowing they still have to win a game in Canada or yet-another season will end without ever having reached the Stanley Cup Finals. Chippy third period, and Ben Eager seems like he might have lost his shit to the point of readjusting the penalty-box camera with his stick. [Mercury News]
To quote everyone else, you're a dumbass: "This anonymous woman alleges that a former Wake Forest basketball player (Gary Clark) sexually assaulted her in a hotel bathroom while another former Wake player (Jeff Teague) stood outside the door. To quote Seinfeld, she named names. Teague and Clark's names are out there for everyone to judge. If only all the names were out there to judge." [WRAL, H/T Isaac]
All the names are out there to judge: "On The Today Show this morning, a former Wake Forest University student accused Wake Forest officials of not taking seriously her allegations that WFU basketball player Gary Clark sexually assaulted her two years ago in Miami while teammate Jeff Teague stood outside a hotel bathroom. She was one of two former college students to be interviewed – the other one was from Indiana University. 'They broke the promise that they made to me, that they would keep me safe,' Maggie Hurt, the Wake Forest student said." [Winston-Salem Journal]
Now, even Mariano is trying to lose games for the Yankees: Bartolo Colon pitched a gem for eight innings, but then Mariano Rivera came in and blew it per his M.O. Still, the Yankees managed to win on a Robinson Cano 15th-inning double in Baltimore last night/this morning. [New York Post]
Meet the next owner of the Houston Astros: "Eagle, run by a former college pitcher named Jim Crane, had failed to promote blacks, Hispanics and women into managerial positions, the agency, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission found. Eagle had also demoted women from managerial positions, maintained a hostile workplace, paid blacks, Hispanics and women less than male and white counterparts, and shredded important documents, the agency said. The report cited an accusation that Crane told his managers not to hire blacks because 'once you hire blacks, you can never fire them."" [NYT]
Yeah, David Kahn was just funnin': "'I don't believe in jinxes, curses (or) hocus pocus, and I certainly don't think we were wronged,' Kahn said. 'But I do believe in the power of story, and I joked last night that it's a heck (of a) better story for a 14-year-old kid to beat out a couple of middle-aged executives standing together on a stage on national TV - and that our league seems to always have its own share of luck in being a part of these stories.'" [AP]
Big Ten will consider kicking in a little beer money: "Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said league athletic directors and officials have seriously discussed whether they should use some of their growing TV revenue to pay athletes more. 'Forty years ago, you had a scholarship plus $15 a month laundry money,' Delany said. 'Today, you have the same scholarship, but not with the $15 laundry money.'" [ESPN]
Today in Derek Jeter's batting line: .255/.308/.309
Days since "Cap'n" got his "crunch" back: 11
Money-launderer Chael Sonnen will not be fighting in California anytime soon: "The California State Athletic Commission today ruled to uphold Sonnen's indefinite suspension, citing both a recent federal money-laundering conviction, as well as some questionable testimony following a positive result in a post-UFC 117 drug screen. ...In January, the CSAC suspended Sonnen's license indefinitely for his conviction on a federal charge of money laundering, as well as "providing false testimony" during an appeal hearing held this past December." [MMA Junkie ]
Ah, tennis coaches: "Some time later, David asked me what I'd eaten for lunch on the day of my first lesson. When I told him pizza, he smiled. Apparently, he'd wagered 20 bucks on the contents of my vomit. David claimed it was pizza, the maintenance man said chicken. David won the bet, but I doubt he ever collected." [The Good Men Project]
Lockout doesn't prevent a Redskins from having a QB controversy: On Monday, John Beck was all, "‘Screw the awkwardness.' I'm trying to be the starting quarterback. I'll call whoever, try to set whatever up. If you don't think like a starter and act like a starter, your teammates probably aren't gonna believe you're the starter. So I'm thinking I'm the starter." So on Wednesday, Donovan McNabb was passive-aggressively like, "John is a great guy. ... I've known him since he was about 16 years old." [Washington Post]
In other very-important professional-football news...: Jay Cutler's fiance revealed that she's was not inviting many of her quasi-reality show co-"stars" to their wedding. Aw. [Fox Sports]
Russian Flyer sees Matthew Barnaby's arrest and raises him a car chase: A Russian newspaper is reporting that Nikolay Zherdev, a forward for the Philadelphia Flyers, got into a tiff with his wife at a restaurant and that said tiff made its way into the streets. "According to eyewitnesses, Nikolay picked up a metal pole from the parking lot and began hitting the car with the pole while shouting expletives at his wife. Fearing for her life, his wife rushed to escape, turning in the wrong direction on the highway." [Broad Street Hockey]
Leaving the game behind: Kye Allums, a transgendered player on the GW women's team, has called it a career on account of concussions cutting last season short. [OutSports]
The Battle of Portugal is decided: Porto topped off an undefeated domestic-league season by beating Braga 1-0 in yesterday's UEFA Europa League championship which doubled as the battle for Portuguese supremacy. [Today Online]