There Was A Poignant, Action Figure-Only Funeral For The Macho Man In A Backyard This Weekend

Your morning roundup for May 23, the day Beyoncé ran the world. Staged Macho Man funeral via HuggingHaroldReynolds.com.

What we watched: I don't go in for all the "Chris Bosh is soft" crypto-gay-baiting. Big men don't all have to be Moses Malone to be useful (remember when Hakeem Olajuwon turned David Robinson inside-out with nothing but fallaway 10-footers?). But what Bosh did yesterday — hitting jump shot after jump shot, finding little seams in the paint, and generally looking like a very elongated version of Ricky Pierce — was soft, as soft as it was deadly, and triply demoralizing as a result. He hung 34 points on Chicago in all, and as a Bulls fan I can report that it was a bit like being smothered with a goose-down throw pillow for three hours. Heat in six. (Tommy Craggs)

What we're watching: The French Open begins today, and so far, no one on the men's side seems capable of beating Novak Djokovic, and no one on the women's side seems capable of being Serena Williams, and those are basically your storylines. Andy Roddick withdrew last week with an injury, and so No. 10 Mardy Fish is the great American hope this time around — and a quick skim of the women's top 16 reveals that every name contains every vowel, so no chance there, either. But of course all eyes will be on Djokovic, who hasn't lost in 40 straight matches. This weekend, he extended his 2011 record to a perfect 38-0, and he already has John McEnroe's "blessing" (apparently a thing he needs) to best his streak of 42, which he's on pace to do in the finals at Roland Garros. God, it's so easily engrossing, and god, it's going to be totally great. (Emma Carmichael)

Elsewhere

Chris Bosh will never get made fun of again: "Here was the perfect portrait to tell the story: Chris Bosh driving hard down the lane, dunking on Chicago forward Carlos Boozer and then screaming, mouth wide open, as he ran back down the court. What was it Boozer said before this series? That the Heat 'have two great players in D-Wade and LeBron' and no mention of a third? Now here Bosh was, letting his emotion out on a night he looked every inch the star in the Heat's 96-85 win in Game 3 of the Eastern Conference finals on Sunday night. 'He put his imprint on the game right from the beginning,' Heat coach Erik Spoelstra said. Imprint? You could say that. Bosh didn't just have a game-high 34 points. He didn't just hit 13 of his final 15 shots. He didn't just have more field goals (13) than Dwyane Wade and LeBron James combined (12). He became Option No. 1 Sunday night and directed the Heat a 2-1 series lead. That, of course, is exactly what Chicago asked Bosh to do, too. What it dared him to try." [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]

Joakim Noah used a bad word, will probably have to pay for it: After picking up his second foul in the first quarter yesterday, Noah shared some harsh words with a Miami fan behind Chicago's bench. It's only been 18 hours, and already we have a stock apology (the turnaround on these things just gets better and better): "I apologize," Noah said. "The fan said something to me that I thought was disrespectful, and I got caught up in the moment, and I said some things that I shouldn't have said. I was frustrated and I don't mean no disrespect to anybody. I just got caught up." [ESPN, video H/T Cosby Sweaters]

Cheerleading wants us to take it seriously again: "But for women who pursued competitive cheerleading, the lack of recognition felt like disrespect. 'Guess what?' said Valerie Hagedorn, the head cheerleading coach at Adams State College in Colorado, a sideline team that competed in USA Cheer's competitive format this year. 'We don't throw balls, we throw people. And we catch them.' [NYT]

Rick Chandler's "You're with me, leather" Deep Throat resurfaces, swears it's all true: "'It was St. Patrick's Day weekend, in 1994 or '95,' he said. 'The bar was Maloney's, in Scottsdale. We were visiting spring training that year, and were there that night to watch the NCAA Basketball Tournament.It's absolutely true. Every word of it; I was there.'" [Off the Bench]

Everyone wants a Colon treatment: "One of the doctors who assisted in a procedure last year on New York Yankees pitcher Bartolo Colon says that 10 other pitchers have expressed interest in undergoing the treatment that is being scrutinized by Major League Baseball." [CBC Sports]

Derrick Rose "doesn't remember" telling ESPN The Mag that there is steroid use in the NBA [pot joke goes here]: "I don't even remember saying that," Rose told a large group of reporters. "That's something I didn't say. I don't know where he got it from. That's why I released the statement to clarify things. I definitely wouldn't say that. I guess he misunderstood at the time. There's definitely not a drug problem in the NBA. If there was, we get tested four times, so it would definitely show up. You definitely don't want to go through this. But things like this happen. I clarified things. It's in the past now. On to the game." [Chicago Breaking Sports]

During playoffs, the KeyArena lights stay on: "It's NBA playoff season, which should be a time of optimistic anticipation for fans of the Seattle SuperSonics. Instead, the Oklahoma City Thunder will host Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals on Monday. Their fans will dress in all blue. They'll pack Oklahoma City arena. And they'll cheer for your team, and for your players. And over at the Key? Standard fare: a bunch of 12-year-old kids in Rey Mysterio masks dragging their begrudging parents to a spectacle named ‘WWE Over the Limit,' a pay-per-view display of boastful, muscular guys (read: actors) pretending to beat each other up while thousands in the crowd pretend what they're seeing is real." [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

Where have all the black golfers gone?: "In the mid-1970s there were half a dozen black golfers earning a living on the PGA Tour. Thirty-one years ago this week, a Washington Post article previewing the Kemper Open noted there were eight black golfers with PGA Tour cards. But it wasn't until last December, 25 years later, that another black golfer, former Stanford star Joseph Bramlett, earned his playing privileges through Q-school. During most of the time in between, Tiger Woods was the lone black American golfer on the PGA Tour." [Houston Chronicle]

And you thought Kegasus was the Preakness' biggest loser: Little kid loses big.

Says the guy who's given up 13 goals in four games (including a shutout): "Bruins G Tim Thomas is either very confident or very bold. Perhaps it's both. Either way, Thomas gave his best Mark Messier impersonation after the Bruins lost Game 4 on Saturday by a 5-3 score, blowing a three-goal first period lead in the process. Thomas was asked after the game how he felt the remainder of the series, which is now down to a best-of-three, would finish. "We're going to win," Thomas declared." [Tampa Tribune]