Your morning roundup for June 8, the day you were warned not to follow purveyors of dong shots on Twitter. Video via tipster John.
What we watched: Just when it looked like Jozy Altidore belonged on the bench of a team in a town you've never heard of somewhere in Turkey, he goes and scores a goal and sets up another in the 2-0 United States win over Canada last night. Sure, the goal should have been stopped by the Canadian keeper. And, sure, it's Canada, not Spain, which didn't even let Altidore sniff the ball the other day. Whatever. It was nice to see Altidore doing that thing that strikers do when they kiss their wrists after they score. If he can turn himself into any sort of threat again, it'll open the field up for other players, as it did on Altidore's assist to Clint Dempsey.
The goals, with funny commentary:
Against Canada, in fact, the entire U.S. team looked great. Tim Ream and Clarence Goodsen were solid in the back. Jermaine Jones was exactly the kind of steady defensive-minded central midfielder that should be paired with Michael Bradley, who likes to go forward and has been excellent doing so. Expect more of the same dominance in the next two matches against Panama and Guadeloupe. Then expect it to stop quite suddenly, possibly with a Chicharito hat trick. (Luke O'Brien)
What we're watching: It's hockey night in North America (8 p.m., Versus), and not in the same way it was after game one or game two. Boston routed the Canucks twice—4-0, then 4-1, in the final two periods of game three Monday night. They scored as much in each period as they had in games one and two combined. The scoreless first brought consequences, too: the Bruins' Nathan Horton was knocked out for the series, and the Canucks' Aaron Rome was suspended for the Horton hit. Not only is this a series now, but it's a series jolted from of its cushy low-scoring, mostly smart-hockey baseline. Scrums, scoring, shutouts: we might just see all of it tonight. (Jack Dickey)
Time to get that timeshare in Winnipeg: "Hockey? To Popeye Jones this had to be a phase. His sons wanted to play hockey? At first he smiled when the subject came up after he returned home from an NBA season away. Sure, he liked watching hockey and he noticed that the neighborhood children played it outside their suburban Denver home. But he was an NBA basketball player, after all, a forward well into an 11-year career. Didn't basketball players' kids want to be basketball players too?" [ThePostGame]
Terrelle Pryor may, in fact, have some ‘splaining to do: "Terrelle Pryor, who announced through his attorney Tuesday that he would bypass his senior season at Ohio State, made thousands of dollars autographing memorabilia in 2009-10, a former friend who says he witnessed the transactions has told "Outside the Lines." The signings for cash, which would be a violation of NCAA rules, occurred a minimum of 35 to 40 times, netting Pryor anywhere from $20,000 to $40,000 that year, the former friend says." [ESPN]
Yeah, he's probably not leaving just because he misses Tressel: "In addition to Pryor's past NCAA transgressions, today I confirmed that Ohio State was recently cited by NCAA enforcment officials for dozens of payments Pryor received in past years from a Columbus sports memorabilia dealer that are considered outside of NCAA rules. The NCAA violations were discovered when the name of the local memorabilia dealer, Dennis Talbott, was seen on checks Pryor was depositing in his personal bank account." [Sports By Brooks]
X-Pac defends Mick Foley, a mensch among mere mortals: "When I recently learned Mick had joined forces with RAINN (Rape,Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, I reached out to him to express my sincere gratitude for his work in fighting & helping bring awareness to this epidemic. Many of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is X Pac so concerned with Mick Foley's cause?" Good question; here's the answer: I am a survivor of repeated sexual abuse/molestation, from about age 5 to around the age of 12, at the hands of both female & male perpetrators. The most psychologically damaging incidents came at the hands of an adult male who actually brought me to my first pro wrestling match." [Real X-Pac]
Cocks of Manila: "This is the only sport in the whole world where there will never be one argument," Mr. Alexander says in a thick southern drawl. "If you lose, you pick up your chicken, hold your head high and walk out with class and dignity."[Wall Street Journal]
Paul Shirley enjoys Tecmo Bowl: "As video games go, Tecmo Super Bowl is not the most complex or the most intense. Its graphics are terrible (with the exception of the jumping high five) and like many Nintendo games, it only works about forty percent of the time (when the cartridge is pushed all the way in and when the Nintendo itself feels like it). But it reminds me why my brothers and I started playing video games in the first place. We didn't do it to escape from the world or to take out our anger on a set of pixellated Russians. We did it because video games are, at their core, games. And the primary objective of games, whether they're called Scattergories or Starcraft, is exactly what Tecmo Super Bowl delivers every time: fun." [Flip Collective]
Your morning freestyle canoe interlude:
Continuing Deadspin coverage of the Grantland countdown clock: Last night, Simmons tweeted, "We're launching Grantland.com tomorrow at noon ET. It's just too bad we don't have a countdown clock." Has this guy ever passed up a chance to needle ESPN when the stakes are astonishingly low? Also, Grantland staffer Molly Lambert tweeted, re: the new venture, "imagine the beginning of Thunder Road when you put on the first side of Born To Run #Grantland." We were thinking more the day you got to choose between Lucky Town and Human Touch.
We are all Dave McKenna CXXIV: Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until Snyder's dumbass libel suit returns to its dreamer's dark heart. The Redskins are adding a party deck at FedEx Field. The party will resemble the one where your best friend stole your girl, similarly boozy and devoid of supportive seating, except it'll probably cost 75 dollars or so.
The cheerleader is dating Mark Sanchez's terrifying friend "Hayden Panettiere clearly has a thing for athletes. One month after she split with Ukrainian heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko, a source tells Us Weekly that the 21-year-old Scream 4 star is dating New York Jets player Scotty McKnight, 23." [US Weekly]
Has Maury verified this bloodline?: "Valparaiso outfielder and new MLB draft pick Kyle Gaedele says he is proud of the major league bloodline that runs through his family - no matter how short it is. Gaedele, whom the San Diego Padres picked in the sixth round of the draft on Tuesday afternoon, is a great-nephew of 3-foot-7 Eddie Gaedel, the shortest (and lightest) player in major league history and star of its greatest stunt. Gaedele, who stands 6-foot-4, says he only knows what many fans do about his famous great-uncle, who weighed 65 pounds and dropped the third "e" in Gaedele for business purposes." [Big League Stew]