Your p.m. roundup for Aug. 17, the day we received crucial life lessons from Conan the Barbarian. Video via DC Sports Bog. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

This Evening: A Monkey Jumps Out Of The Stands To Thwart Teddy Roosevelt

What we're watching (all times EDT, unless noted): Diamondbacks-Phillies is on ESPN at 7, the same time ESPN2 is carrying the Little League Softball World Series championship. And FOX Sports Net has tape-delayed Champions League soccer at 8, with Zurch taking on Bayern Munich.

Read Me

John Schulian on what you can't do anymore: "Once in a great while, I would do a column about duende, an Andalusian word that is best defined by example: Willie Mays had duende, Henry Aaron didn't; the Rolling Stones had it, the Beatles didn't. I was borrowing shamelessly from the late George Frazier, an eccentric general interest columnist who made his last stand at the Boston Globe with a red carnation in the lapel of his Brooks Brothers suit and a quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald for every situation. I was following in the tradition that inspired many another columnist to borrow Jimmy Cannon's pet gimmick, 'Nobody asked me, but . . . ' You didn't think Mike Lupica came up with "Shooting from the Lip" by himself, did you? He and I were indulging in what Hollywood likes to call 'an homage' because it sounds so much better than 'theft.'" [Bronx Banter Blog]

This Date In Deadspin History

Aug. 17, 2010: Foul Ball Couple Update: Bo The Bailer's Ex Makes A Semi-Nude Preemptive Strike

Things You Might Have Missed Today

Some quick links to a few items we posted earlier:
Two Fellow Very Surprised By The Miami Allegations: Luke Campbell And Al Golden
Torii Hunter Gets Trapped In An Oxygen Chamber, Pisses In A Bottle, Tweets
Robbie Keane Will Play For LA Galaxy, Import Sensational New WAG To American Soccer
Who Owns "Evil Empire"? The Yankees Launch A Proxy War For Control
The Hidden Victim Of Yahoo Sports' Miami Report: Former Florida Guard Teddy Dupay

Elsewhere

Yep. They're exactly alike. Except the Yankees actually, you know, win: "The Notre Dame football coach, Brian Kelly, may be a devout Red Sox fan. But when he sat down with Yankees Manager Joe Girardi before the Irish played at Yankee Stadium last year, they bonded over the challenges inherent in overseeing an iconic brand in sports." [New York Times]

This Evening: A Monkey Jumps Out Of The Stands To Thwart Teddy Roosevelt

Be great if even one of those cops turned out to be a Bears fan: "Now that's what you call hardcore provincialism: NFL -style. Officers employed by the Green Bay Police Department have been authorized by leaders of the department to wear the above badge which pays tribute to the Green Bay Packers' Super Bowl XLV victory and honors the Wisconsin town's moniker of 'Titletown, U.S.A.'" [Sportress of Blogitude]

Big Papi's just gonna chill for a bit: "Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz, out with bursitis in his right heel, said Wednesday he likely will miss a week of action. Manager Terry Francona indicated Tuesday night that although Ortiz won't be placed on the disabled list, the DH will miss some time and is required to wear a walking boot. 'I should just chill, you know, rest,' Ortiz said Wednesday before the Red Sox took on the Rays at Fenway Park." [ESPN]

Jalopnik wants to know: "Now keep in mind that this isn't a dismissal of other bonafides or the hard work necessary to land an on-air gig at a television station. We're just noting that road-closure reporters also seem to have some additional assets." [Jalopnik]

Armenian Bank Commerical Interlude:

What did you expect them to say?: "Ohio State denied a contention from Terrelle Pryor's lawyer that the former Buckeyes quarterback told the NCAA in May about additional violations he committed while at the school. ... That contradicts what Pryor's attorney David Cornwell told ESPN on Tuesday." [ESPN]

Looks like Danica's heading to NASCAR: "It's time. The country's most marketable driver is days away from committing to run in NASCAR full-time. For weeks, reports have circulated that Patrick was contemplating the jump from IndyCar to NASCAR. ESPN, citing multiple sources, reported on Wednesday that Patrick has made her decision and will announce her intentions to run full-time in the Nationwide Series, the equivalent of NASCAR's Triple-A minor league level, beginning in 2012. She'll continue to race in the No. 7 GoDaddy Chevrolet for JR Motorsports, her sponsor for her first two part-time years in NASCAR." [From The Marbles]

Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.

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