Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I was in the Peruvian Jungle. I had travelled to the city of Iquitos, where women are hot and the weather is hotter. It's a fun place and so remote no road connects it to any main city. In the heart of the amazon. Many people come here to sample jungle life and it's strange attractions. One of the most popular is a hallucinogenic drink called Ayahuasca. More on this later.
Anyway I was staying at a remote jungle lodge about 1.5 hours from the city. No cell reception, no TV, internet, etc... Not much to do at night. Day trips into the jungle were interesting but at night there wasn't much of anything to do but drink at the lodges small dining area. This was a common area. My luck seemed good when I saw two hot tourist girls at the bar. Being the ONLY people staying here, I decide to talk to them.
The conversation starts off well. One girl who was from the USA was quite friendly and interested in me. We walked around romantically at night and shared some smokes and several liters of beer. We start making out after a while and I'm thinking something is going to go down.
We head to my bungalow and smoke some more and make out some more. I start making some moves towards second base and she allows. Thinking I have a green light with some dry humping, I go for the pants. At this point she stops me. Confused I ask what's up. She proceeds to tell me she's going to try Ayahuasca the next night. I ask her why this matters, and she tells me there is a very specific diet they need to follow. Apparently it can have a bad reaction to some foods. The diet also encourages ''physical cleanliness.'' Despite us both being drunk, which I would think violates the terms of the diet (a fact I mentioned and protested), She told me that sex is not allowed on the diet. I tried for a BJ but didn't get anywhere. She went back to her bungalow and was gone the next morning. Frustrated, I ended passing out in bed and being woken up by my guide who told me to pack my bags for a day trip.
According to Wikipedia, the drug also can induce intense vomiting and diarrhea. Always worth giving up a lay for THAT.
Sophomore year on a co-ed floor littered with eager freshman (never so much success in my life to that point or ever again). Girl named Julie was the prime freshman on the floor, but she was clearly a little off. Heavily drugged with Adderall (hell of a drug) and who knows what else—just an absolute space cadet. She was a butterfly. I was desperate.
Party at my friend's house. Everything goes well, though she's definitely on the back-end of a slow, drunken descent by the time we hail a cab back to the dorm. The clock is ticking-I place a call to my roommate... "Hey, dude, can you stay at your girls, tonight? Julie and I..."
Julie swipes the phone and, to the cabbie's delight, she slurs, "We're going to FUCK in your room, and you need to get the fuck out of there."
I didn't know whether to be scared, embarrassed, or thrilled, but nonetheless, job done.
We get to the room and it is time to execute. In bed, rolling around and shedding clothes—and then, suddenly, she freezes and screams: "A DOLPHIN!!"
When I have my hand in a girl's pants, she can say literally any word in any language in the universe and I will roll with it. Sea-creatures—a bit of an outlier, I thought, but I must stay the course. Then she went on screaming: "THERE'S A DOLPHIN BITING MY LEG!! A DOLPHIN IS BITING MY LEG!!" Mission failure. She flails out of bed and full-on tweaks...grabbing at her leg, swatting at an invisible, flesh-starved, man-eating porpoise. At first, I try to convince her that the dolphin is a horrifically-timed figment of her imagination and we should resume-but it was no use. Accepting failure, I did what any of us would do-I watched as a hot, naked, 18 year old nutcase bounced around my dorm room, trying to pry the jaws of an imaginary dolphin from her thigh. Then jerked off and went to sleep.
Never fucked her, or the dolphin's blowhole, ever again.
A friend of mine, Ryan, had a friend of his from home in town for the weekend. They came over to my place to pre-game, and our group — there were five of us total — decided to hit up one of the city's more popular social areas. Right before we leave my apartment to go out, Ryan warns us that his friend is a tad sloppy and can be a liability when he gets tanked. None of us care because the potential synergy of those two getting drunk together at a bar is too awesome a possibility to pass up. Anyway, we get to our destination, and Ryan immediately starts hitting on the first girl he sees (this is standard operating procedure for him), Abby. About half an hour later he's still talking to her and things seem to be going remarkably well.
Meanwhile, his friend is knocking back shots at a rate so irresponsible that it leads us to believe he never quite conquered his freshman year of college. We haven't even been at the bar for an hour before Ryan's friend gets so rowdy and creates enough of a disturbance that the bouncers throw him out. Ryan, incensed that his friend almost blew his opportunity to bag and tag Abby, tells him to find his own way home. Another half hour passes and the rest of us are attempting to work our game, to varying degrees of success — which is to say we're pretty much failing miserably. Ryan soon approaches and lets us know he's going home with the girl. Jackpot. We all wish him luck and proceed with our nights.
The next day, an incredulous Ryan returned to my apartment with his friend, whose face was heavily bandaged. The rest of us sat there in a stunned, awkward silence. They both took a hit of the late-morning blunt going around; Ryan then recounted what happened in the ensuing hours after he left the bar in a story so insanely bizarre that, well, of course it'd happen to him.
First, Abby, the chick he was courting, turned out to be much drunker than him (obviously) and started to get increasingly unstable. She first daringly ran across the street, somehow managing not to get run over by oncoming traffic, before reaching the other side and immediately blowing chunks all over the place for a good ten minutes. Not to be deterred, Ryan treated this as a minor inconvenience and offered her a piece of gum. Awesome.
They eventually got back to her apartment, and she told Ryan to make himself comfortable while she went to, uh, "freshen up" (direct quote). About 20 minutes passed and she still hadn't emerged from the bathroom, so Ryan started to get a little worried. Five minutes later, he heard a knock on the front door followed by, "This is the police, is this the apartment of Abigail [whatever her last name is]?" Ryan, in his drunken stupor, didn't believe his ears and said nothing in response. Another 15 seconds passed before an even louder pounding on the door was followed by, "THIS IS THE POLICE. WE NEED TO GET INTO THE APARTMENT. OPEN THE DOOR OR WE WILL BREAK IT DOWN."
Ryan, now convinced that this was actually happening, opened the door and found himself staring at two police officers and two paramedics. They frantically asked him who the hell he was and where they can find Abby. He told them she was in the bathroom; all four rushed over and, finding the door to be locked, broke it down. Within ten seconds, they carried a barely conscious Abby out of the bathroom and placed her on a stretcher in the hallway before high-tailing it out of there. Ryan managed to ephemerally stop one of the officers and asked him what the fuck was going on. The officer let him know that Abby had, in an apparent suicide attempt, overdosed on pills before going out to the bar and drinking her face off. Perhaps regretting her decision, she called the cops after getting home and going to the bathroom. Turns out the mix of pills and alcohol had caused her to suffer a mild heart attack, all while Ryan was obliviously sitting on her living room couch and fantasizing about getting his dick wet. The officer wished him better luck next time before running off.
Ryan, completely dumbfounded at what had just transpired, left the apartment complex and started to head home. Two minutes later he got a call from one of the local hospitals. Remember his friend from home who got thrown out of the bar? Yeah, he face-planted in a nearby parking lot. When police found him, he was lying in a pool of his own blood and barely responsive. A broken nose, some chipped teeth, and several facial lacerations later, he woke up to find himself in the ER and gave the nurse Ryan's number as his emergency contact. All in a night's work, I guess.