This Is What It’s Like To Be Hungover At 34

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... Every year I get older, hangovers get worse. Like this hangover, the one I'm suffering through right now. It feels like someone wiped their ass with my face. I woke up this morning at 6AM in my friend's apartment and was paralyzed on the bed because I knew the slightest movement would cause my head to fucking explode. That's the worst moment of any bad hangover, when you wake up to realize you're in Hell.

I should have barfed BEFORE I went to bed. That would have been the prudent thing to do. You always need to throw up before bed because booting while shitfaced is never all that bad. Booting the next day, when you're less drunk and far more aware of what a worthless sack of shit you are, is always much, much worse.

So I didn't move. But then I had to piss. And shit. So I did a test move, where I moved ever so slightly, so as not to disturb my bowels. FAILURE. And so I was thought to myself, "Just get it over with. Stop delaying the inevitable." And I ran to the toilet. My friend Jeremy walked into the bathroom to offer moral support.

HIM: Are you okay?


HIM: You need water?

ME: I'm gonna smell my own piss so I can barf in your fucking toilet.

HIM: Okay, but…


HIM: Oh sweet Jesus!

It was black. Honest to God, people, I threw up black barf. It looked like I swallowed a gallon of petroleum. I think it might have been cancer. I may have drank cancer without knowing it. BLACK FUCKING BARF OH CHRIST.

Then I jammed two fingers down my throat to get the rest of it out and barfed black barf all over my hand. So I'm sitting there at my friend's toilet in my underwear with two bulimia fingers and a bowl full of fucking motor oil. And I could taste the barfy film on my teeth, eating away at the enamel, which is always a pleasant feeling. I want to spend the rest of the day in a coffin.

What's the worst hangover you've ever had? Share your misery in the comments. And remember, children: Never ever drink. Ever.