No time for tiddlywinks, we've got a lot of shit to get to this week.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Patriots at Steelers: I was at the gym the other day and there's a big sign in the locker room that says NO CELL PHONE USE. And I overheard two guys talking to each other about why that rule was in place, and one of them said that they put in the rule when someone complained about another dude taking pictures of other guys in the locker room with his phone. This sent me into a complete panic. I totally hadn't thought of that before. WHAT IF THE PERV TOOK A PHOTO OF ME?! Did I look good naked? I hope I gave him a decent gay fap session. Sometimes my ass doesn't photograph well. I'm really worried the lighting didn't do me justice.
By the way, if you catch someone in your gym locker room taking a photo of your dick, it's not gay bashing if you beat the shit out of him, right? I say that's fair revenge. You can't turn that around and say it's homophobic to whip that guy's ass. That would be bullshit.
Cowboys at Eagles: Back in 2005, the NFL banned horse-collar tackles because then-Cowboys safety Roy Williams made it his finishing move. Turned out Williams was shitty at pretty much every facet of playing football that did NOT involve grabbing the back of someone's shoulder pads, but I digress. People got injured, the league freaked out, and horse-collar tackling was no more.
The problem is that refs have decided that "horse-collar tackle" now means "tackling someone from behind." All you have to do is grab the back of a dude's jersey and suddenly you're getting dinged for 15 yards, which is idiotic. The point of the horse-collar rule is to prevent defenders from reaching into the back of the shoulder pads and violently bringing the ballcarrier down. That makes perfect sense. But if a ballcarrier has you beat and you need to reach out for a piece of jersey to stop him, that shouldn't be illegal. That's not a horse-collar tackle. That's an OH FUCK I BLEW MY COVERAGE tackle, and it's embarrassing enough when a defender is forced to resort to it.
The game happens at such a dizzying speed that, when rushing to tackle someone, you barely have time to process any other thought besides TACKLE THIS MAN. That's why defenders get pissy over rules about leading with your helmet or the horse-collar tackle. Both rules presume you have a choice as to how you tackle someone, when your only choice is to bring them down any way you possibly can. Refs need to stop fucking this up. Also, someone should find Roy Williams and punch him in the kidneys for causing such an annoying rule to be implemented.
Chargers at Chiefs: What the fuck is going on with Marmalard? Why is he so shitty all of a sudden? I asked a friend of mine who's a lifelong Chargers fan and he thinks Rivers is hurt but isn't telling anyone. Well, that's just GREAT. Thanks a shitload, LASERCUNT. I hold onto you in my keeper league and this is the thanks I get for my loyalty? Your stupid secret injury isn't preventing you from KNOWING WHAT GODDAMN DOWN IT IS.
Redskins at Bills (in Toronto): It was my wife's birthday the other week, and I got her a card that had a little peekaboo window on the front, and when you opened the card there was a picture of a monkey's ass. She was not amused. Come on, lady! It's a monkey's ass! SHOEBOX GREETINGS WAS ON ITS GAME WHEN IT MADE THAT ONE.
Vikings at Panthers: I desperately wish Cam Newton played in a worse division. If he played in the AFC South, we'd get to see him in the playoffs, and holy shit would that be fun.
By the way, Christian Ponder placed his mouthguard over his ear whenever he was standing on the sidelines last week. That can't be sanitary. No one wants an ear full of dirty mouthjuice.
Lions at Broncos: Every time Tim Tebow throws the ball, it looks like a fake punt.
Saints at Rams: I was on the radio the other day and the host, Steve Czaban, thought the Rams would happily ditch Sam Bradford if they got the No. 1 overall pick. And I hadn't really considered that. I figured it was a given that the Rams would keep Bradford and then use the No. 1 pick to trade for a shitload of picks to give Bradford the support system he needed. I mean, you couldn't just ditch a guy who won Rookie of the Year, a guy you spent $50 million on, right? Could you? I know Bradford has thrown a grand total of three touchdown passes and has regressed this year, but it's hard to say that's his fault. His wideouts are fucking terrible. His offensive line is fucking terrible. And Josh McDaniels is fucking EXTRA terrible. Josh McDaniels is a penis with ears. Josh McDaniels would fuck up baking a box of Duncan Hines brownies because he'd spit on the directions and hire his brother to do the mixing.
So Bradford is hardly to blame for the Rams' current predicament. And yet, it would be quite amusing if the Rams said to Bradford: "You know? FUCK IT. Let's trade YOU instead of the pick." And then they drafted Luck and gave Bradford away to the Seahawks or something like that. That would be even more shocking than the Colts drafting Luck and setting the wheels in motion to get rid of Peyton Manning. I'm not sure which scenario I prefer. Whichever one makes Jaworski's head explode.
By the way, I wonder if Luck insists on being called "Andrew," and not "Drew" or "Andy." Andy Luck sounds WAYYYY too much like Andy Dick for any NFL scout's comfort.
Cardinals at Ravens: One thing Fox is still not doing with its graphics is instantly updating player stats after they've been involved in a play. So, for example, when Kevin Kolb throws his ninth interception of the day, there should be a quick graphic updating his stat line: KOLB 3/47 6 YDS 9 INT. I watch any game on CBS and I'm riveted by those graphics. I often miss the entire next play. It's awesome.
Colts at Titans: I bet Matt Forte is sending Chris Johnson flaming bags of dogshit via FedEx as we speak. If I were Forte, I'd be fucking LIVID at Cop Speed. Because who's gonna sign a running back to a huge contract now? Cop Speed got $30 million in guarantees. DeAngelo Williams got $21 million in guarantees. Both of those guys have exactly one touchdown this season (DeAngelo got all his TDs stolen by Cam Newton, but still). Unless the running back in question is Adrian Peterson, you're fucking yourself over by handing out that much money to a running back. In fact, the rookie wage scale makes running back the least desirable position for anyone hoping to make a living in pro football. The average running back is at his most productive for the first three or four years of his career. After that, he's washed up and shitty. So if you're a running back coming out of college, you're going to spend your best years playing for the smallest possible contract. You're screwed. You're much better off playing linebacker, or some other position that has a longer shelf life. The only reason to play running back is because you can't resist the glory of toting the rock, which is kind of nice. Being the dude who gets the ball is irresistible.
Jaguars at Texans: I was watching Project Runway last week (because I'm gay, you see) and I remember thinking to myself, "Say, that Anya is not unattractive." And lo and behold! Turns out she has a sex tape out on the Internet. And to me, that's the miracle of modern society. You see someone on TV who looks attractive, and there's a very good chance you can access naked photos or even hardcore pornographic videos of them online instantly. WE LIVE IN SPECIAL TIMES. Not only was Anya in a hardcore sex video, but the video featured one guy sleeping with TWO Miss Universe contestants: Miss Trinidad (Anya) and Miss Japan. Now that's a coup, right there. How many men can say they indulged in a beauty pageant threesome? And the guy was ugly as shit! He looked like Joakim Noah's love child, he was so ugly. I wish there were a congressional investigation into how he pulled it off. It would be like reading a great heist novel. All I know is that I'm very happy it's Anya who has a sex tape and not Gretchen Jones.
By the way, this whole thing got me wondering: If we had the Internet back in the '70s and '80s, which celebs would we have gotten leaked sex tapes out of? If there had been a Catherine Bach sex tape back in 1980, the continents would have been flooded with manbutter.
Dolphins at Giants: Before the lockout ended, I wondered aloud about the idea of the 2012 NFL Draft becoming two drafts in one. Now with the NBA possibly on the verge of losing the whole season, I'm curious as to how that will affect the 2012 draft, especially if the lockout is still going on (and given the people involved, it seems like a real possibility). The order of the 2005 NHL Draft, conducted after the league missed an entire season, was determined by a weighted lottery that took into account playoff appearances and past draft position, and it was a snake draft, meaning it reversed order every other round (like the average fantasy draft).
If the NBA did it the same way, that means a team like the Lakers could find themselves with the No. 1 overall pick next summer, which would be totally unfair and will totally happen. That doesn't even take into account what to do with the 2011 draft class, and if they get to re-enter that draft, or even if there would be a draft at all. God, the NBA is so much more intriguing when they don't play any games. I hope talks break down again.
I'd also like to know if ESPN or TNT are getting their money back from games lost. I swear to you, there is an evil ESPN element to this lockout that has yet to surface. I bet they knew the lockout was coming, supported David Stern in his bid to crush the players, and anticipated a full-year work stoppage that left smaller market teams destroyed and forced the NBA to consolidate every team into the greater Boston area. It's Celtics 3 versus Celtics 8, coming Christmas Day, 2014!
Browns at 49ers: I took my kids to a playground the other day when the 2-year-old ran up and told me he had to take a shit. There was a port-a-potty nearby, but it was a fucking brutal one with giant AIDS germs loitering on the toilet seat. We had a kiddie potty seat in the back of our car, so we ran to the car, threw up the back door, opened the potty, and stood out there in the open while the kid deposited a 100 Grand bar into the plastic tub. And it was HUGE. (Kids eat kid-sized portions, but they shit as big as regular adults. It makes no sense to me at all.) So I slide out the little poop tray and I go running across the playground with this enormous shit in my hands, and I treat it as if I'm holding a live grenade. NO ONE COME NEAR ME! THIS IS LIVE ORDNANCE! Then I go to dump it in the biff and the shit is stuck to the tray. So I have to gently shake it so that the poop flies out, but flies out where I want to go, and I watch it slowly slip out of the tub, leaving a brown tail of toddler doody behind. Then there was no sink to wash it out, so I had to wipe out the trail with 57 baby wipes and take great care to not get any on my fingers. It was BRUTAL.
The lesson, as always: Make sure your kid shits BEFORE you leave the house.
Bengals at Seahawks: I watched some of the World Series this week and one of the fun things about baseball is that managers not only wear uniforms in the dugout, which we all know is stupid, but they almost always wear a giant satin jacket over their unis the entire game. It makes you look like a giant cake pop. Then they come waddling out to the mound in their little playtime get up and it looks like they have a fresh dump in their pants. So charming.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Big Guns," by Skid Row. You'll find no finer set of Skid Row lyrics than these:
She got the big guns
Pointed at my heart
BANG BANG shooting like a firing squad
They took me by surprise
She got my lovin' reachin' for the skies
Masterful. I really love it when Sebastian Bach screams out, "They took me by surprise!!!" It's like HOLY SHIT I KNEW THESE TITS WERE BIG BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEY'D BE THAT BIG DAMN GIRL I HAVE A BONER!
Embarrassing iTunes Library Track I Own That Will Not Fire You Up
"A Whole New World," from the Aladdin soundtrack. My kid is just getting out of her princess phase. Thank God for peer pressure, man. All it took was one second grader telling her princesses were stupid and she ditched that motif like it was spinach on her dinner plate. The total amount of money I spent on Disney products during the princess rampage would make you WEEP. Fucking princesses. They don't even DO anything.
Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit
Gregg is piping hot that people used the word "miracle" to describe Tim Tebow's comeback win over the Dolphins.
Sports commentators are too quick to invoke the word miracle — which means an event outside human understanding of physical law.
Yeah, I know! I really wish that people would never use hyperbole to describe anything. It's best to take every single word or phrase in the English language literally, so that everything you read or write appears to have been penned by the North Korean Department Of Communicatory Discipline. If only the Music City Miracle had been renamed the Music City Questionable Lateral That Became A Game-Winning Touchdown. God, it just SINGS!
I think the real reason Greggggg is mad that anyone referred to Tebow's win in sacred terms (and really, he's using a straw man argument here—ost of the written coverage after the win took great pains to point out how shitty Tebow looked for most of the game) is because only Greggggg is fit to judge whether or not YOUR GOD ought to be invoked. Remember, Easterbrook once wrote the following in a football column:
Attend worship services of any faith or denomination. You have obligations to your Maker and your fellow men and women; it's best not to lose sight of that.
I could copy that passage in here every week, it's just that putrid. Best you worship God and worship God precisely as Gregg sees fit. To do otherwise would be a LITERAL abomination. By the way, as Gregg was railing against the idea that Tebow won the game himself ...
Football is a team game. Tebow didn't launch the onside kick or recover the onside kick. He didn't block for himself on the try that forced overtime. He was just one of many Broncos on the field...
... he also pointed out this stat (noted by reader Ben):
"Stats of the Week No. 5: Since 2006, Tennessee is 30-17 with Vince Young at quarterback, 18-23 with anyone else."
"Because, of course," Ben says, "Vince Young won those games for the Titans." He would have if he had been undrafted!
Suicide Picks Of The Week
Last week's picks of New Orleans, Baltimore and Dallas went 2-1 (17-4 on the year). Time to pick three potential teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's picks? San Francisco, New Orleans, Tennessee, and your child waffling on their Halloween costume. Five-year-olds want to be six different things at once. I wanna be a puppy! No, wait! I wanna be a fireman! No, wait! I wanna be a fireman who fights puppy fires! Fuck you, kid. I bought you this $10 vampire cape/tablecloth at CVS, and that's what you're wearing.
No Halloween costume should ever cost more than $4. Ever. If I see a costume in a store and the price says something insane like $29.99, I open the package and spit on it.
Postmortal Book Tour Dates
Special thanks to everyone who offered their hosting services for the Milwaukee stop. I've already begun planning my eating itinerary for Milwaukee a full month in advance. I take my eating real fucking serious.
Nov. 17 (7:30 p.m.): New York (Le Poisson Rouge, part of a Gelf magazine event)
Nov. 30 (7 p.m.): Milwaukee, (Boswell Book Company)
Dec. 1 (7 p.m.): Chicago, (Book Cellar)
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Chiefs getting 3.5 points at home against the Chargers. FREE ADOLF HITLER! I don't mean our beloved Fuhrer, of course. He's free and living comfortably outside of Montevideo. I'm talking about Adolf Hitler Campbell, the adorable young boy from New Jersey who was ripped away from his family by New Jersey state child welfare officials (Oh, so they're even giving CHILDREN welfare now? COMMUNISM) two years ago, along with his sister Aryan Nation. All because his parents are Neo-Nazis who also might be technically retarded. Well, I say BULLSHIT. This is America. And if a 5-year-old boy wants to live with his retarded Nazi parents, he ought to be free to do so. I don't see how growing up under similar circumstances hurt Gallagher's career any!"
2011 Nazi Shark Record: 4-3.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Chris sends in this poop story I call TURD ON THE RUN:
Last winter I was training for a marathon, and that in itself has lead to some unbelievable shits, but this particular one stands out. Five miles into a long run, the rumbling from below turns into sweaty cramps, thank god, there was a gas station in sight. I raced in the front doors, and went right to the back as quick as possible while holding my cheeks together. It sounded like a upside chocolate volcano, and it covered everything, of course the toilet is broken. I get everything ready in the stall and bolt out of the store. Safe. Next week, same run, body reacts the same way. As I am crossing the parking lot, I see the gas station guy literally vault over his counter, and he runs out of the store screaming, "No, no, no, no, NO!" I put up my hands and say sorry, I will buy a Gatorade this time, he screams "No, you defiled my store one week ago, you are banned forever!" I had to the poop in the woods, double humiliated.
Never return to the scene of the crime, people.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your potential 2011 chopping block:
• Tony Sparano***************
• Jim Caldwell
• John Fox
• Jack Del Rio
• Steve Spagnuolo
• Ken Whisenhunt
• Andy Reid
• Leslie Frazier
• Hue Jackson
(**************** - Could REALLY happen any moment!)
Tony Sparano is selling his house! Come on, Stephen Ross. Let the guy go so he can go spend a week in Turks & Caicos to collect his thoughts. He's not doing anyone any good on that sideline. Leave him there too long and his players might end up feeling so bad for him that they actually decide to go out and win a game, and you don't want that. I've never seen a team so determined to go 0-16. It's quite something.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Readers Jeff and Phil would like Plaxico Burress to shoot himself in the leg again and clip the femoral artery this time around.
Can I nominate that gun toting shithead, Plaxico Burress? He hasn't done shit all season, so I benched him...on both my fantasy teams. He rewards my move by scoring 3 TDs.
He's been an empty ballsack, averaging something like 5 fantasy points each week. I finally cut my losses and dropped him on Saturday. Of course you know what comes next. Motherfucker goes apeshit and scores 3 motherfucking touchdowns against the Chargers. And since pride and good sense will keep me from taking him back, it's only a matter of time before someone else picks him up and he clobbers the shit out of me.
I feel your pain, sir.
/former James Jones owner
/seriously James Jones, go die in a fucking fire
Gametime Snack Of The Week
HALLOWEEN CANDY! My wife is usually in charge of buying the Halloween candy, and I'm always dissatisfied with her purchases because I never think she buys enough (Three bags? What is this, Poland?), and because I'd like to inject some variety into the proceedings. I want to be the house on the block that gives out peanut butter Snickers, and 100 Grand bars, and peanut butter Twix (did you know the cookie inside is chocolate cookie? SWOON), and Heath bars. You get one Heath bar for every 200 pieces of candy you obtain while trick-or-treating. That shit is like gold. I might even go to Rodman's and buy some foreign candy. Enjoy the Crunchie bar, you little fuckers. I JUST GAVE YOU THE HIPPEST CANDY AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
By the way, a giant FUCK YOU to any high school kid who comes to my door at 9PM who no costume on looking for candy. You're no trick-or-treating at that point. You're just being a teenage hobo. GET OFF MY LAWN.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Gunther's Gold! Israeli reader Paul sends in this horrifying lager:
Beer here is unbelievably expensive, even the national beer Goldstar(which earned the whopping praise by a fellow American- "it's drinkable"). But drinkable or not, the best price you can find for it is $1.50 a pint. Having a house party, (i.e. beer pong tourney), we were desperate. Bringing us to "Gunther's Gold" (a 24 pack for a 'discount' $1.04 per can). Never thought I'd say it, but I miss Natty Ice.
Why is beer so expensive in Israel? ZIONIST BEER CONSPIRACY. Rolf is pissed. Anyway, look at this tallboy. It's got a German name, which I'm sure goes over like gangbusters in Israel. It also has a CREST, which is classy, featuring two apparent griffin/bear hybrids trying to pawfuck a glowing crown. It's like a coat-of-arms for a Halfway House. I MUST HAVE IT.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is still Aaron Rodgers of the Packers! My good friend Hugh Hefner was in the news this week. What a guy. Revolutionary? YOU BET! Drinks too much sherry? BY THE CASE! Here's something you may not know about ol' Hef: He never had sex with ANY of those women. Ever. It's all just for show. Now, Nicholson and I? That's a different story. When Nicholson and I hit the Mansion, the girls know they're going to end up with their legs spread and coated in chive oil. But Hef always preferred to just sit there and watch everyone else around him fuck like it's Good Friday.
"The truth is that Hef is a little bit slow in the head. The reason he wears that smoking jacket all the time is because he isn't very good with buttons. Hal Ashby actually based the character of Chauncey Gardiner on Hef, because Hef was so spacey. Most of the Bunnies living at the Mansion are there to feed Hef his applesauce (he doesn't know how to use utensils) and change his bedpan. Kind of sad, really. I remember there was this one time when I was in the grotto and going to town on two gorgeous young starlets. Really giving it my best Evans. And I turn to Hef, who's just sitting there watching (in his robe, which is now soaking wet), with this weird grin on his face that never seems to go away. And I say to him, 'Hef, old fella! You want in on this?' And Hef would just shake his head and keep grinning. It was actually kind of creepy. I couldn't tell if he was just retarded or faking it. I lost rigidity for a brief moment. But then I wheelbarrowed one of the gals over to a separate alcove and THE SEQUEL WAS GREENLIT, if you catch my drift."
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. "You're pretentious, this club sucks, I have beef. Let's do it."
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up."
Enjoy the games, everyone.