Your morning roundup for Nov. 21, the day we learned texting about having a quickie with Jesus Christ is illegal in Pakistan. Video courtesy Cosby Sweaters. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.

Tony Scheffler Scored A Touchdown, Staged His Own Flash Mob

What we watched: Never again with the proletariat. I went to SNF with a friend who's a Giants organization aristocrat, and it was pure ecstasy. Want to check out the sidelines on field level? Not a problem. Want food? It's free. And I'm not talking about mildly chewy chicken tenders, but sushi, some crazy weird Japanese pasta that blew my mind, and jumbo shrimp. Because regularly sized shrimp are for the homeless, clearly. My only gripe: Alcohol wasn't free.

At halftime, we made our way to the owners' box. And yes, it had its own stir-fry chef. I never understood the appeal of sitting hundreds of feet above the field, but clearly the stir-fry chef is a game-changer. Well, that and FREE BEER. I partially considered swiping a few brews, sticking them under my jacket and quietly slipping out, but I didn't want to ruin my chances with the stir-fry. Turns out I only managed to grab a hot dog with sauerkraut, which I proceeded to spill all over the floor as I wolfed it down. So instead of devising my next food-hoarding move, I had to casually step on my dropped sauerkraut and get the hell out. My only regret: Not taking a dump in the owners' box bathroom. I've only heard rumors, but silk toilet paper would have been majestic.

Elsewhere

Let's all bash Jay Cutler for not being tough: "Quarterback Jay Cutler broke the thumb on his throwing hand, an injury expected to sideline him six to eight weeks, according to multiple sources. Surgery is an option, but the Bears have no immediate plans to place Cutler on injured reserve. The Bears are deciding whether to have a pin inserted to aid in the healing process for Cutler, who could return for a playoff run if the 7-3 team remains in the hunt with fourth-year pro Caleb Hanie in the starting role. Cutler suffered the injury with 10 minutes, 3 seconds left in the fourth quarter of the Bears' 31-20 win over the Chargers. He did it while attempting to tackle cornerback Antoine Cason after Cason's interception. Cutler was blocked to the ground by Chargers linebacker Donald Butler. His hustle allowed Matt Forte to keep Cason from scoring, and the Chargers failed to score after the turnover." [Chicago Tribune]

The Kid is back: "Sidney Crosby will appear in his 413th National Hockey League game tonight at Consol Energy Center. It might not seem like it, though. Not to what could be the most-energized crowd in the young arena's history. And certainly not to Mr. Crosby, who has not participated in one since being diagnosed with a concussion Jan. 6." [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

Your How To Make A Cupcake From Scratch Interlude:

This week in unnecessary food analogies: "Smith summed up the mindset thusly: ‘Yeah, we got the win, but definitely frustrated. You don't expect to hit everything [on offense], but we missed too many today.' This game was high in fat, low in fiber, overly spiced (thanks to Dashon Goldson's ejection after one of several skirmishes) and lacking in nutritional value. It will have to tide over the 49ers until their Thursday night game at Baltimore, but they already were getting hungry Sunday night." [ESPN]

This is what basketball has been reduced to: "LeBron James, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony are going home - and bringing friends with them. With no end to the NBA lockout in sight, the All-Star group is set to lead a four-game "Homecoming Tour," starting with a matchup in James' hometown of Akron, Ohio on Dec. 1, followed by a Dec. 4 game in New Orleans, a Dec. 7 game in Chicago and culminating with a Dec. 10 contest in East Rutherford, N.J." [AP]

Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.

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