The Vancouver Canucks Scored! Let Me Snake-Lick Your Face!Dylan Murphy12/20/11 9:25amFiled to: Wake up deadspinKissingVancouver CanucksNhlNewstweetFans32EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalink Your morning roundup for Dec. 20, the day we learned that some pens are immortal. Video via C. Swens. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors. What we watched: Los Angeles Clippers at Los Angeles Lakers. As I awaited the inaugural "Lob City" connection, DeAndre Jordan stole the show by dunking over Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum, and the ghost of championships past. If last night's 114-95 win was any indication, the Clippers will be formidable. What we're watching (all times EST, unless noted): Washington at Philadelphia in NBA preseason basketball at 7 (NBATV). Samford at Kentucky (ESPN2) and Bucknell at Syracuse (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 7. Chicago at Pittsburgh in NHL hockey at 7:30 (Versus). Florida International vs. Marshall in the Beef O'Brady Bowl at 8 (ESPN). Butler at Gonzaga (ESPN2) and College of Charleston at Louisville (ESPNU) in men's college basketball at 9. Tennessee at Stanford in women's college basketball at 10 (Fox Sports Net).Read MePat Jordan on the trial of former porn star Marilyn Chambers: Now, in court, she is humiliated by what the constable is describing. The judge asks him to demonstrate what the defendant did onstage. The constable puts his hands on his buttocks and tries to bend over, but his ample stomach stops him. He straightens up and says, 'I could, Your Honor, if I was built like her.' Again the men laugh. The defendant leans back in her chair and whispers to a man in the first row: 'It gets to you after a while. Being arrested and fingerprinted just because you're giving people pleasure. It's so degrading. You begin to wonder if you're as bad as people say.' The man nods and whispers, 'You didn't do all those things, did you?' She blushes again. "I don't know. Maybe. Probably. I just get so hot onstage.'" [GQ/Bronx Banter Blog]This Date In Deadspin HistoryDec. 20, 2010: 10 Things That Christmas Would Be Better Off Without ElsewhereThe backup plan: "In case you're wondering what would happen if the power kept going out at Candlestick Park, and the Monday Night Football game between the San Francisco 49ers and Pittsburgh Steelers had to be stopped for whatever reason … well, don't ask the NFL about that, because the logistical nightmare would be just about unprecedented." [Shutdown Corner] Advertisement Advertisement James Harrison's reaction to last night's game, or his approach to the next one?: "If I cant play then can't nobody play... Lights out!" [@jharrison9292]Rex Ryan is at it again: "'To say that a team's better than you that never made the playoffs is ridiculous,' Ryan said. 'Clearly, we were the better team my first two years here. And we get to prove it on Saturday who the best team is this year.'" [New York Times]Turmoil in the NFLPA: "If Smith quits—or the players allow to leave—it would be one of the dumbest things any sports union has ever done. While I think smarter and cooler heads will prevail in the end, it's becoming increasingly clear the tension could cause Smith to walk away. We'll know more about Smith's potential departure soon. The executive committee might speak via conference call this week, and one of the main talking points could be the $1 million bonus Smith is scheduled to earn. It's as simple as this. If Smith gets the bonus (more on the details of that bonus later) he stays. If the executive committee balks, I think he leaves and the union is thrown into chaos." [CBS Sports] Sponsored Your Trix Are For Kids Interlude: Jerry Jones is leery, folks: "Cowboys owner Jerry Jones knows what his team is up against Saturday. ‘Well, after what happened to us in Philadelphia, there's no confidence,' Jones said after the Cowboys won at Tampa Bay on Saturday night. ‘That's not the word for me. I'm respectful. I used to when one of my classmates in grade school did what they did to us up there I walked around the other side of the school. I'm leery of them and we should be leery of them. It's going to be all we can do to really get out there at Cowboys Stadium and play.'" [Dallas Morning News] Advertisement Yu Darvish to ... the Rangers!: "The Texas Rangers won the rights to negotiate with star Japanese right-hander Yu Darvish by placing a record $51.7 million bid in a posting auction, sources told Yahoo! Sports. Darvish's team in Japan, the Nippon Ham Fighters, will accept the bid, which means the Rangers have 30 days to negotiate a contract with Darvish. If they cannot work out a deal, Darvish would return to Japan for the 2012 season and the Rangers would be refunded the posting fee. The 25-year-old Darvish, considered the best pitcher from Japan to try to play in MLB, has posted five consecutive seasons of a sub-2.00 ERA. His best season came last year, when he went 18-6 with a 1.44 ERA and struck out 276 in 232 innings." [Yahoo! Sports]Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to firstname.lastname@example.org.