Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering bargains, pooping in thongs, hip hop karaoke, and more.
I'm on vacation next week, but fear not. There will be a Funbag while I'm gone, with a very special guest host answering all your poopy questions: New York Times #1 bestselling author Justin Halpern. You can email Justin your questions for next week right here, or hit him up on Twitter (his real Twitter feed, not the Shit My Dad Says feed). I trust that you'll be kind and courteous to Justin when you ask him questions about the size of Shatner's cock.
I'm a tiny white gentleman. What's the karaoke etiquette for using the N-word? I don't even know if I could soften it by changing the end from 'er' to 'ah'. Sometimes I can just exchange it for another couple syllables, such as 'white boy', but that often compromises the integrity of the song and the artist's original intention. And I'm not just gonna shout 'bleep' every time the word comes up. Man, being white can suck so much ass 1% of the time.
Well, it depends on the karaoke bar now, doesn't it? Are they any black people in the place at all? Or do you live in Maine, with no black people within 500 miles of you?
I think you should probably avoid singing the word. First of all, you don't want everyone in the place thinking that you're some dipshit white boy who thinks he has enough street cred to get away with doing it. You also don't want everyone to think that you're purposely trying to get away with saying the word by singing it. Also, you don't want people to think you're RAYCESS.
More important, it's probably gonna sound DUMB coming from you. Picture you and your Duke homeboys trying to karaoke "Sucka N—-a" (I put dashes in the title because I'm a considerate white person!):
Even if you were dead serious about the song and treated it with the utmost respect, you'd still sound like an idiot trying to rap it in a karaoke bar. The song has to fit you. Take it from someone who did "Baby Got Back" in a karaoke bar once and was met with nothing but silence in return: Doing ANY hip hop at a karaoke bar is always a dicey proposition.
I needed the perspective of a black man on this, so I turned to The Assimilated Negro. He says:
Is the karaoke bar on Earth? Then the same earthly rules of etiquette apply if you weren't in a karaoke bar. Shocking, I know. I guess if it's dark, and you're drinking maybe this could be confusing? But it's sort of like the paintball etiquette for using a real gun.
But I think officially the rules are (*hold on checking the negropedia, *cough*, turning pages...ok, here it is, not really but*): N-word etiquette rule 4080: if there's any non-white people, you want to exercise restraint with using the n-word (it's not just black people, cause n-word is a gateway epithet so everyone's on guard). If it's only white folks at the bar then you might as well go ahead and live it up. The party probably sucks anyways since it's all white people and you're wondering about n-word karaoke etiquette
Also, You could look at the five minutes you spend coming up with some alternative as a small karmic form of reparations. Compare the inconvenience of you saying "bleep" or "white boy" (which at least has "keeping it real" going for it) to the inconvenience of the n-word's history. So yeah, swapping syllables, so annoying!, and you would totally sound like Drake singing "Marvin's Room" otherwise. But on the bright side, you're taking time to respect the history and if you do choose this route I think you could honorably use a censored derivative of the word like "nuh-unh" or "nukka" and be ok (though "nukka" admittedly carries more risk, it's my preferred choice for the combo of phonetic verisimilitude and also clearly not being the n-word) .
I say you should seize this opportunity to cultivate a witty workaround. This is what late show hosts and standups and brilliant hilarious people do, and you might end up impressing a lady-friend, or Jay-Z or Obama with your skillful way of handling a tricky scenario. You're the cool nigga now.
You mean cool NUKKA!
Spent the morning at the supermarket with my 18 month old boy, chasing him down the aisles and saving him from near misses with oncoming shopping carts. The rest of the day I was daydreaming about someone actually nailing him with a cart and acting like a dick about it, and my subsequent physical destruction of that human. What would be smallest transgression done to your child that would justify disemboweling someone in Super Target? I whittled it down to another parent scolding him… I might just really want to fight someone.
I dunno. If my kid was being a little shit in Target and some other parent scolded them for it, I might just give that parent a hug because A) It saved me from yelling at the kid and looking like a shitty parent in front of everyone and B) The kid might actually listen to someone who is not me. That's the amazing thing about kids. They listen to everyone BUT their parents. I sit at home and beseech my kid to not run around the living room dragging a scooter tied to a shopping cart tied to a balloon tied to a living cat, and the kid doesn't listen for SHIT. But if her teacher were to ask her the same thing? She'd be quiet and at attention in about five seconds flat. I went to my kid's school once and all the kids were walking in line quietly to go to the cafeteria or something and I was like THIS IS BULLSHIT. How come these fuckers only behave when I'm not around? It's not right.
Anyway, if someone in a Super Target grabbed or bumped my child, I'd like to think that I'd pounce on them and forcibly sodomize them with the grocery belt spacer. Parents are all hypocrites like that. You spend all day yelling at your kids, and then someone else yells at them and you're like, "THAT'S MY BABY!!! DON'T YOU BE YELLING AT MY PRIDE AND JOY!" So I'd like to think I'd retaliate with extreme prejudice, but I know that I'm a coward and that I'd probably be like "HEY!" and then stand there with my mouth open like a goddamn idiot. Then I'd ask some rent-a-cop to arrest the other man, and then flee the store once I was told that I had to fill out a formal complaint.
My second son produced this piece of art last year at school. The actual work is on a piece of construction paper that's about three feet by one foot. He walked in the door after school, proudly held it up, and said, "look at my art."
The best part is the caption, which is a bit hard to read, but states "My turkey is happy."
Is this hanging on my wall at the law firm? You better believe it.
That is one engorged turkey. Nothing makes your Christmas dinner quite like a phallic turkey.
If a girl or guy were to shit themselves while wearing a thong, would the subsequent poo slice in half ?
It's doubtful, given both the speed and consistency of poop. The likely outcome is that the poop would mash against the thong and then slide past it, leaving a generous amount of smeared poop all over the garment. I would personally like to see stats comparing the likelihood of skid marks for thong wearers versus non-thong wearers. Because it has to be higher for thong wearers, doesn't it? The thong goes IN your asscrack. It's almost an upset if the thing somehow stays clean after spending six hours in that deep dark place. You could conceivably get skidmarks on the outside of your thong if you try hard enough. I bet that's happened to Ice T's wife at least a handful of times. SO HOT.
I had to run to the grocery store after work today but I only needed to pick up like 8 things. As I was grabbing them from the shelf I noticed that almost all of them were on sale and actually got excited by this.
I was even going to text my girlfriend to show off my thifty shopping skillz. Going through the register I realized how sad that actually is. Being stoked about things like this means that my 'fun' years are over and I'm a boring 30-something adult now right?
Probably, but I say EMBRACE IT. I get so fucking psyched when Cocoa Puffs are on sale that my wife has to literally restrain me from putting eight boxes in the cart.
HER: We don't have enough room for that many boxes.
ME: BUT IT MAY NEVER BE ON SALE AGAIN.
I'm the type of person that ends up spending more money because I bought too much of something that was on sale. I'll see that my favorite ham is on sale at the deli and I'll order three pounds of it, then it all goes bad by the second day in the fridge. I can't help it. I LOVE A BARGAIN, even when I've defeated the purpose of that bargain. Half the time, I forget my supermarket card when I go to the store anyway, then I'm too lazy to fill out a form for a new one and too timid to ask the clerk to swipe his card for me so I can save the loot.
Here in Maryland, the Giant supermarket has a cross promotion with Shell gas stations where you can get a dime off every gallon of gasoline for every, I dunno, hundred dollars worth of groceries you buy. I cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I am when I enter my grocery card number in at the pump and see that I got 30 cents off a gallon. IT'S ORGASMIC. I feel like I just opened up the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. I have to fight the urge to fill up all the other cars in the station with my cheap, wonderful fuel. I could drink the gas, I'm so happy for the discount.
Back in, say, the 1200s when they didn't have toilets and people would use outhouses, do you think they took reading materials with them? Like a book or a pamphlet of some sort? Or was it so much more uncomfortable that people were just trying to get in and get out as fast as possible? When did the inclusion of reading materials become commonplace in bathroom etiquette?
The printing press wasn't invented until the 1400s, so people back then wouldn't have been able to take any mass-produced reading materials with them into the shitter. Furthermore, the shitter that peasants used was almost certainly a hole someone dug in the middle of Sherwood Forest or something like that, so you wouldn't have had two free hands to leaf through a Christian missionary pamphlet handwritten on birch bark. You would have needed to use your hands to brace yourself while shitting in a squat position.
Human existence back then was fairly primal. You were born, you were put to work, you had grandkids by age 18, and you died by age 29. There's not a lot of room for idle reading in that kind of life. There's only time to say prayers and hump whatever cousin your Dad picked as your bride. If a time machine dropped me off in the year 1200 with no way home, I'd last four minutes before jumping off a cliff.
I have three children ages 5, 2, and 1. What do you think the over/under would be set at for the combined amount of times the kids cry? I would say on a Saturday, from the moment they wake up (usually around 6:30 am) until they go bed (usually around 8:00 p.m.) and all naps included, I have heard crying from the three combined at least 25 times. My definition of crying is production of at least one tear. I now understand why my Dad was always doing shit in the garage and/or the yard.
I'd take the over on that. I mean, you're talking about people who cry because they can't use their favorite fork because it's in the dishwasher. What a bunch of pussies. They have NO emotional strength of any sort. That's the part of parenting that's rough on all men. It's the DRAMA of it all. Everything gets out of proportion. A simple trip in the car becomes a goddamn production. It's basically the same as being crippled. If you were born without legs, it probably takes you about an hour to get ready for a trip in the car. Ditto people with kids. What I'm saying is that my kids have amputated both of my legs.
Who do you think poops the most? I have to think that pro athletes, specifically football players & body builders have to shit an unfathomable amount; both overall volume and frequency. I'm a normal dude with a well-rounded diet of probably 2000 - 3000 calories, and I'm good for at least two sessions on the can most days. World class athletes such as Michael Phelps have been reported to consume 10,000 + calories per day. I think it is fair to say that an offensive lineman does not burn as many calories as Phelps, so does that result in more feces?
The average sumo wrestler consumes over 20,000 calories a day, which beats Phelps' intake. And somehow, I doubt that sumo wrestlers burn off as many of those calories that Phelps does, so PRESTO! More waste products for everyone! I wish there was sumo wrestling in India. You'd be able to smell the toilets from here.
In general, I think that metabolic processes differ so wildly from person to person that you can't necessarily say that one type of person poops more than others. There may be some some 80-year-old grandma in Indiana who shits 14 solid BMs out a day. There may be swimmers who poop once a day. There's no way of knowing. All I know is this: Getting skid marks in your Speedo is terrifying thing to behold. I've had it happen. How did the poop stick there? How much of it floated off into the pool? It's a haunting sight.
I just got back from a sandwich place that wrapped their subs in foil like burritos. I was stunned. Chipotle's been around for over ten years, meaning white people (we like sandwiches!) have had access to burrito foil technology for a decade. Why did it take so long to apply it to subs? And it worked perfectly - the foil held all that fried chicken and jalapeno/bacon salsa in place near the back of the sub while I mouth-mauled the front of it. Now I'm just angry I didn't think of it first.
That's crazy talk. Some sandwich shops have been wrapping their sandwiches in foil for years. Just because you've apparently spent the past decade buying subs from Subway and Quizno's exclusively doesn't mean that your local filthy sub-and-pizza shop has done the same thing. I like the foil because, as CR said, it helps retain heat. More important, I don't have to spend ten minutes unwrapping the thing like it's a UPS package. Subway must waste eight trees' worth of paper every time they wrap a 6-inch BMT. I unwrap a Subway sub and you can't even see the surface of the table anymore. It's an unreasonable amount of paper.
HOWEVER, there's something to be said for a messy-as-shit sub that's been wrapped in paper, with the grease soaking the paper and the bag you're carrying the sandwich in. You know that you're in for a good time once you get that fucker home. It's like walking home after buying porn or cocaine. CANNOT GET HOME FAST ENOUGH.
I got a hot Italian roast beef sandwich the other week and they dipped it in gravy, then wrapped it in paper, and the whole thing was sopping wet by the time I got to my table. AND I LIKED IT THAT WAY. It was like a baby oil orgy in my mouth. I like it very hot, and awfully wet.
What do you think is the worst profession to have to take a dump at work? I'm a teacher at an elementary school...and its awful. The job is adequate but the shitting situation is beyond horrid. Sometimes I'm literally blowin' chunks out of my asshole only feet away from small children.
Then, assuming I can use the faculty bathroom, I must do an immediate escape as to not allow the stench into the halls when I open the door. Factor in all the female teachers to who use the bathroom and the sound the metal toilet paper roll makes against the wall announcing my shitting prowess, and I avoid the situation completely. But some jobs must have it much worse, right? I think I'd take a porta-potty over this.
Speaking of port-a-potties,. I'd have to think that contract worker is probably worse. You have to spend all day sweating your balls off at a construction site. Then, when you have to shit, you have to haul ass to the port-a-potty, where 500 other sweaty assholes have done their business before you get your licks in. And there's no sink to wash up afterward. Now that I think about it, every pipe in my house could be covered in fecal matter, and not just because my son poked me in the chest with his own stinkfinger the other day.
Do you ever think someone's penis has been ripped off in hand to hand combat? No knives or other weapons, just a clean grab and removal. My Google research only returned a story of a women who used her nails to gouge some pieces, but the use of nails seems like cheating.
It's unlikely. Thankfully, there is a complex system of muscle, skin, nerves, and blood vessels that helps keep your penis attached to your body. Even if we found the world's strongest man... Even if we had Jay Ratyliff of the Cowboys walk in here, grab your dick, and yank on it for an hour like he was trying to drag a plane down a runway, your tough little Stanley would almost certainly remain anchored. It sure wouldn't FEEL good, but I think you can rest easy knowing that dicks can't just be torn off on a whim. Otherwise, you yourself would have uprooted it ages ago. Am I right? The thing was built to withstand abuse.
I am 5'10," 175 pounds and a pretty good athlete for a Jew. I can touch the rim on a good day and could probably bench 225, if fifty dollars were on the line. My friend Tom and I were discussing how many clones of me would have to be on the field to be a dominating NFL defense. My friend Tom says mid 40's but I think 35 could do the trick. Of particular concern to Tom is stopping the Calvin Johnson jump ball and the run in general.
Infinite "me's" would be on the sideline so injuries would not be an issue. I also would not possess any fear.
I don't know if we should include that "no fear" qualifier at the end, because fear would be one of the main reasons it would probably require 35 of you to begin with. If there were 25 fearless clones of you running around, you'd probably have enough of a numbers advantage to perform as well as a standard NFL defense. You'd also earn Jim Nantz's love and adoration forever for your tough, gritty, lily-white style of play. Even a 20-man defense comprised of unimposing Jews would pose problems for an NFL offense, because that would mean that several defenders could roam about completely unblocked. Just one unblocked man is enough to ruin a play, so imagine having to deal with NINE of them. Passing the ball would essentially be eliminated, with the NFL team instead content to plow you over using brute force. A fearless band of Q'nises might be able to stop that, but not your average fearful everyman who knows trying to stop Beast Mode in the open field is an unwelcome proposition. I think 30 average yous would probably do the trick, but I'd add an extra ten just to be safe. God, I wish we could simulate this experiment in a live game. I'd pay $100 to see it. I really would.
Email of the week time.
When I was in elementary school I was a big time doodler. If there was a margin in a book in front of me, I was going to draw stupid pictures in that margin because that is the whole point of having undiagnosed ADD. In 5th grade, I became enamored of drawing any design the consisted of straight lines, and among those designs is the good old symbol of the Nazi Party. When my teacher walked past my desk and noticed a book that had the margins filled up with swastikas, she immediately alerted my parents and I had to sit through several meetings with them, my teacher and our school counselor. Despite my perfectly reasonable explanation that I just thought it looked neat, I'm pretty sure my mother spent the next three months watching me for any sign of goosestepping, and she even made me go over to my next door neighbor's house to celebrate Passover with them.
Also, I got in trouble for doodling all over my Bible (I went to Catholic school), because one of the doodles looked surprisingly like a penis.
And on that note, Merry Christmas everyone.