Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering shower sex, doing laundry, polygamy, and more.
Who would you take if there was an All-Star game between all the Caucasian guys in the NFL vs. all the African American guys?
I think the Caucasian guys would have the better QB's and a solid offensive line, and there are some pretty good white receivers like Jordy Nelson, but the African American guys would have a much better secondary (understatement).
I think the African American team would be favored by double digits, but do you think there is any way possible the Caucasian guys could pull off an upset?
First of all, let's qualify this entire discussion with an obligatory THASS RAYCESS! Now, with that aside, you're talking about an all-white offense with Aaron Rodgers at QB with Drew Brees and Tom Brady backing him up, with Nelson and WELKAHHHH as the wideouts, Gronk at tight end, and Peyton Hillis and
Jackie Battle the corpse of Keith Elias at running back. Meanwhile, the all-black offense would have either Cam or Vick at QB, with your pick of litter at WR (Megatron, Victor Cruz, AJ Green, Fitz) and RB (MJD, Ray Rice, Shady McCoy, etc.). Racial implications aside, that would be fucking amazing to watch. Those are two really good offenses. I'd pay a good $100 to watch that on TV. The all-white team's official licensed jersey would sell out in Boston in four seconds.
Meanwhile, the all-white defensive line would feature Jared Allen and Jason Babin, with JPP and DeMarcus Ware among those representing the all-black team d-line. Do we know which side Haloti Ngata would get to play for? Can he play for BOTH teams? He's Tongan. The white team could use him real bad. I think Dustin is right to note that the secondary would probably prove decisive, with the all-white team forced to scrounge up guys like Reed Doughty and Eric Weddle, even playing white safeties out of position at corner to make ends meet. HOWEVER, don't forget the white team's advantage at kicker and punter, not to mention all the gritty white undrafted NON GLORY BOY-TYPES who would hustle down the field on special teams for Team Whitey. And don't forget the coaching staffs. You'd probably have Belichick coaching the Team Whitey, with Mike Tomlin leading Team Blackie. I'm gonna go out on a limb and pick TEAM WHITEY to prevail 45-44 in that game. If the Pro Bowl were played this way, I would watch it every year from beginning to end. Also, racism is bad.
Not only did Sandusky destroy the innocence of those kids he raped, but he ruined shower sex for all consenting adults. Shower sex used to be my favorite kind of sex. Now I can't even think about it without feeling like a creep or thinking about "rhythmic slapping" and ginger Mike McQueary. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could proposition a lady for shower sex without her being like, "Are you some kind of weirdo?" I think I'll own a beach house in Fukushima before I have sex in a shower again.
Oh, come on now. You're being far too sensitive. That's last saying you could never play pool again just because you watched The Accused. You have to be able to compartmentalize. Furthermore, if you abandon shower sex forever, you've let Sandusky WIN. And that I cannot tolerate. You should feel free to stand in a shower with your lady and awkwardly try to find a comfortable position to screw in while she hogs all the hot water and you're standing behind her shivering like a goddamn hobo. That's a special, wonderful little moment. Don't let that evil bastard ruin it. I'm proud to report that, despite Sandusky's treachery, I have since been able to seduce myself while bathing, especially if there is a giant economy bottle of Suave conditioner around to use.
I still live in an apartment complex where we do laundry in a central location, and there are few feelings worse in this world than dropping a piece of clothing on the ground while moving it from the washer to the dryer. I'm curious: how do others deal with this situation, seeing your clean yet wet clothing tainted with the floor of a laundry room? I usually just use the five second rule, and throw it into the dryer while praying no one in my complex has the herpagonnasyphillaids.
No man worth his salt is gonna wash that stupid thing again. As far as I'm concerned, if I put it in the washer and the dryer and I haven't worn it yet, it's CLEAN. It could be dragged through a warm pile of Ralph Friedgen's excrement and I'd still deem it worthy of use.
I help with the laundry at my house, and there are few things more irritating than having to bend over to get every last piece of clothing out of that washer. It's even worse when you have children because their garments are the size of a baby corncob. If you wash three of my garments, the washer is full. If you do a child's load of laundry, the washer becomes a goddamn clown car. Something will fall out of your hands in transit. That's all in the game. I try my best to wad up every single item so that I only have to transfer clothes once (and also because it makes me feel like a big man), and there's always some asshole sock that won't get with the program and falls to the ground. In the dryer it goes. I don't care how many spider eggs it picked up while it was sopping wet on the ground.
If you were a Mormon, and could have only 4 wives, what would be the best professions for them to have so that you had to do as little as possible? My four would be: Pharmacist (the one time I did have to go was awful, bonus if they work in a grocery store because that takes care of grocery shopping as well), Banker/Accountant (No more bank trips, no more doing taxes, and she can handle all your investments), Post Office Worker (I hate going to the post office more than anything in the world), and Fitness Trainer (to keep the other ones from getting fat.)
None of those professions pay enough to qualify for my Mormon Wife Pool. One of them would have to be some type of billionairess, which would provide me with enough liquid capital to REALLY be lazy. I'm talking the "buy a $3,000 Japanese toilet that wipes your ass for you" kind of lazy rich person. So that would be the first requirement. Then we'd be able to afford any number of slaves and lackeys to do our errands for us. Then, I would need the second wife to be either an experienced day care provider or kindergarten teacher, so that she could expertly keep track of both our kids and the many kids I would have with her sister wives. Also, she would have to be able to home school the kids, because, as an imaginary patriarchal Mormon, I wouldn't want the local public school teaching my Mormon kids about stuff like evolution and the existence of minorities.
The third wife would be a two-star Michelin chef. Not three stars. Two. We wouldn't want her getting too obnoxious about all her stars. So we have someone to take care of the money, the children, and the food. That would leave us one wild card wife to help with some other type of important skill or task I otherwise lack. I've got it: PIANO TEACHER. I could learn piano, and our lessons could include erotically restrained moments of wistful sexual longing, with just a hint of brutish sadism.
I have been having this conversation with a few friends lately. Could you go on a date someone with the same last name as you? There is no relation by blood or any other family ties, just the same last name. Or does that automatically put them on the "Out of Bounds" list?
The agreed consensus seems to be that if you had a common name like Smith, York or Fisher it's fine. However, if you have a unique last name, it's not gonna happen. It would just be too bizarre. Plus it's boring not introducing a new last name into the family, AMIRIGHT? Girls on the other hand, of course had no problem with it, go figure.
Yeah, if you have a fairly random last name - as I do - it would be hard to pull off. Even if you were told there was no blood relation, you'd still spend most of the relationship SUSPECTING that wasn't the case. There are very few Magarys in this country and I'm pretty sure I'm related to all of them, even "31-Day Fat Loss" guru Vic Magary. No way I could date Vic Magary. That just wouldn't feel right to me.
But yeah, if your last name is Johnson and her last name is Johnson, I think that's perfectly fine. In fact, given today's culture, it may be PREFERABLE to find someone who has the same last name as you. That way, if you get married, you avoid the whole "your wife refuses to take your last name" issue, which is becoming a bigger and bigger problem among engaged couples these days. JUST TAKE MY LAST NAME SO PEOPLE DON'T THINK I'M A PUSSY, OKAY LADY?!
What if you could travel back in time, but instead of doing something good like killing Hitler when he was in high school, you stopped something good from happening. Like if you went back in time and convinced Abe Lincoln that ending slavery would lead to the end of the world, or stopped football from being invented. What is the worst thing you could possibly do?
Well, you could kill your own mother or father before they gave birth to you, which would be catastrophic from a personal standpoint. From a worldwide standpoint, I don't know that you could talk Lincoln out of ending slavery. And even if you could, I think that slavery would eventually end up being abolished regardless, such is the unstoppable progress of civilization. This would have to be something that you could realistically do as the time-traveling Average Joe that you would be in this case. I think it would probably come down to something that ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, like killing your own parents (which perhaps would have catastrophic consequences beyond preventing your own birth), or doing some other small thing that has a catastrophic butterfly effect on civilization, like when Homer killed that fly when he went back in time with the broken toaster.
Failing that, and provided you could land ANYWHERE you wanted once you traveled back in time, I think the most damaging thing you could do would be to kill the infant Jesus, preventing the advent of Christianity. That would completely fuck with calendars in the future, and you bet I wouldn't be too pleased about it. Oh, and Jesus is Love and all that.
While drinking it up the other night, we decided to discuss which animal would we not want to see zombified and a Brown Bear was the unanimous choice. Bears are scary as shit to begin with, but imagine one that is covered in human blood, just running around eating people. You walk up on that and holy fuck I'd be scared shitless!
But that's just the thing: Bears are ALREADY scary and will already come and eat you if you're foolish enough to walk around the forest coated in peanut butter and honey. Plus, let's be honest, how often do you come across bears? If you live in a gentrified area, bears are pretty much nonexistent. I'd be much more afraid of zombie dogs or zombie cats, zombified animals that could be hanging out ANYWHERE and could turn me into a walking corpse with just one bite or vigorous leg hump. Imagine staggering home drunk from a bar one night and stumbling across a zombified stray dog. YOU'D BE FUCKED. I'd be scared to death. I wouldn't even know which way to run. I'd just spazz out and then shit my pants and slip and fall into my own filth, then have my dick bitten off. Horrible.
I'd also be terrified of zombie birds, because they could reign terror on you from above. You could be swinging on a playground swing and then BOOM! An eagle is tearing into your skull and feasting on the grey matter inside. Our funding to prevent zombie apocalypses must also include animal zombie research.
Who showers more: porn stars or professional athletes? Don't you think Johnny Huge Cock feels it necessary to shower after every scene he's got his finger up 4 girls' starfish? How are you going to eat craft service doughnuts with dingleberry remains under your nail? There's no way facial recipients don't bathe in battery acid at least once a week on top of daily shame scrubbings.
When I played football, there were a handful of guys who showered before and after games. I don't think they showered before games because they were weird. I think they did it just so they could have something to do. The lead time before a real game starts is forever, so people try and burn off minutes any way they can. Plus, if you have access to top-notch showering facilities, you use them. Showering is pleasant and relaxing and you don't have to worry about anything while you're showering. I think the average pro athlete showers at least twice a day, if not more. If I never had to leave my shower, I never would. It's heaven.
As for porn stars, you're talking about people who almost certainly suffer from both self-esteem and substance abuse problems. So you could range from some male porn star who NEVER showers because he's a heroin addict and because he likes the idea of getting away with being so dirty, to some poor gal who showers eight times a day because she feels so pressured to keep up appearances and/or maintain some kind of illusion of control over her own health and hygiene. There's really no way of predicting it. All I know is that if I were in the porn industry, I'd probably shower a lot at the beginning of my career, then shower less and less as the years went on because I stopped caring about the smell. I bet mechanics are totally the same way.
Either way, no profession showers less than musicians. I think we can all agree on that. Julian Casablancas hasn't showered in eight years.
You have to eat and shit out of the same hole. Do you start shitting out of your mouth or shoving food up your ass?
Ass is the only correct option, right?
For the sake of the general public, I think so. It's too bad, because the joy of taking in food close to your nose wouldn't override the revulsion caused by shit coming out so close to your nose. Scent is such a huge part of flavor, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.
When clipping toenails (particularly the big toe), have you noticed how enjoyable it is to use clippers just get a notch in it in order to then rip it off? Much more satisfying than clipping the whole thing off. Generally a thumbnail is no match for a month-old toenail, but all it needs is a little jump start.
Yeah, but then you've defeated the whole purpose of clipping your nails, which is to make them look nice and even. Surely, you've experienced the horror or tearing off a fingernail or toenail and having the tear end up taking off far more nail than you would have liked. BLOOD! BLOOD LIKE A RIVER! That's always a terrible feeling, when I've taken a nail, started to pull on it, and then realized that it's all going to end in pain. Don't bite your nails, kids. It's an awful habit.
How often do NBA players use the N-word on the court during a game?
I referred this question over to KOGOD, who has season tickets to the Wizards and sits close to the court:
I don't really hear it that often. I've definitely heard motherfucker. LeBron called my wife a fucking bitch. That wasn't nice.
"Shit" is pretty popular, yet nobody says "poop."
I can understand that. "Your game is poop" doesn't have much panache.
I usually pride myself in being able to answer any football related question my wife throws at me. However today she threw a curve ball at me when she asked: "Do you think there will ever be a female head coach in the NFL?" I really didn't know how to answer other than by saying "FUCK NO." Your thoughts?
You can't say it'll never happen, because there could come a time, hundreds of years from now, when genetic engineering has so radically altered the human species that women would be as strong as men and men could drive as poorly as women (I keed, I keed). That would enable more women to play football and, after being sufficiently concussed, coach it as well. Girls are already well ahead of boys in terms of national testing averages and college attendance, which means that women are getting smarter while we're getting dumber (For evidence, please consult the CBS primetime comedy lineup). So it could happen sometime in a future where things have been radically altered in ways that you cannot possibly have ever envisioned.
But for the time being? FUCK NO. Not a chance. There have already been women in positions of power in the NFL (Amy Trask, etc.), but that's different from coaching, where you're in the locker room and lecturing naked men with huge dicks on a weekly basis. It will take a long time and require several revolutionary changes in the culture before that happens. And frankly, I don't have much of an issue with it. I don't think the world will end just because a woman hasn't been an NFL head coach yet.
My family has a relative who likes to give scratch off lottery tickets for stocking stuffers, which is great. No one really wins anything over 5 or 10 dollars, but for fifteen minutes, the potential of winning big is alive and kicking. My brother and I were discussing this today- what is the proper etiquette if you do win some large sum of money, such as 10K or 25K? Do you give said relative a cut of the money? Do you take him out to dinner? Or do you send him a postcard from the gorgeous island in the Bahamas you've inevitably visited with the lotto winnings?
I wouldn't give him a cut of the money. I'd take him out to dinner or do some other kind of grand gesture. He gave you the ticket. It's yours, which means the money is yours. If he were to get bitchy because you won $10,000 and didn't give him a $2,000 tribute, then he's a cunt. When you give someone a box of chocolates, you don't demand half the candy inside (NOTE: Just kidding. I always hang around until my gift of food is opened so that I can go the fuck to town). A gift should be given without any conditions or expectations. Otherwise, it stops being a gift and starts being a huge pain in the ass. There are entire seasons of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" dedicated to instances of this rule being breached.
While wiping the other day, a little bit got on my thumb. I used TP to wipe it off and rushing back to work, neglected to wash. Is it wrong that, when itching my nose later, I realized what happened and continued to periodically smell my thumb rather than washing?
Yes. But to be fair, whenever I get the stinkfinger, I ALWAYS take a sniff before I wash my hands. I don't know why I don't that to myself. It smells exactly like what I know it's gonna smell like. Sometimes, you can't see the fecal particles on your hand. You can only see that faint hint of toilet paper fur. Then you take a whiff and all of your worst fears are confirmed.
My daughter recently got her learner's permit. We are letting her drive in most situations depending on traffic, weather, time of day, etc. The other weekend she was with me at another friend's house, and needless to say, I got drunk. She then drove me home. Does this nominate me for bad parent of the year or the parent who is teaching his child to be responsbile and always have a designated driver?
I don't know. All I know is that I cannot WAIT for my kid to be old enough to drive my ass home from the bar.
Email of the week time:
My cousin, who's an admiral in the Navy, let everyone know that he was going to be on the NBC Nightly news (2005 or so) to talk about this new government research and development program that he was heading up.
Turns out it was teleportation.
And instead of this being the breakout news piece that propelled him into the American conscience as the leader of this brave new world, NBC Nightly News ran the piece under their "Fleecing Of America" banner and made him out to be some nerd that was getting millions of government dollars to play Star Trek.
So the program took a pretty big hit and the funding dried up. You want to get pissed at the government for the lack of jobs or the tax code, go ahead. I'm going to stick with the fact that we were getting close to real, actual teleportaion and one news story fucked the whole deal up.
DAMN YOU, NBC!!!!!