Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I went on a date with a girl I had seen a couple times. We went to one of the nicest restaurants in town. They even had a foie gras dessert. We were drinking cocktails and wine with dinner. Things were going well so we went to a swanky bar down the street for more drinks and under the table groping. We both got way too drunk to drive so we decided to leave the car there and get a cab home. I'm in.
I pop in some gum for our drunk backseat make out session. We get into the cab and she asks for some gum. I have no idea why I was thinking she wanted *my* gum, but I did.
As I pull my gum out of my mouth and try to put it in her mouth, she turns her head away in disgust, naturally. The gum ends up in her hair. She screams. I tried to pull it out, but my coordination was not in its finest form so I end up just mashing it into her hair. She is livid and screams "WE ARE SOOOOOO NOT HAVING SEX TONIGHT!" The cabbie chuckles. As soon as we get to her house she grabs her clutch and sprints out of the cab towards her house. The cabbie laughs again and take me home, alone.
My buddy, we'll call him Greg, was trying to close on a younger girl (we'll call her Erin) who had been just out of his grasp for weeks. It was her birthday and she invited him to go out drinking with some of her friends. Greg invited me along for the ride, and we played beer pong. We get to the bar and things are going great for both of us. Her friends are trying to do the same thing as me, get them both laid. One girl, we'll call her Caroline, was very cute and had a dancer's body.
We talked all night and realized that we took a class together blah blah blah. Then all of the Natty Light and cheap vodka hits me like a punch from Mike Tyson. The memories start to fade in and out, but I remember making out with her in the back of the bar. Then BAM. It's morning. I'm naked, and still very, very drunk and naked. What happened? Like any smart college, I went to Facebook to see if anyone had posted pics or status updates that may allude to where my night had gone. That's where I got this gem of a Facebook Message.
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There is a flash of us naked in my bed. Somehow, she figures out that I have no fucking clue what her name is, and mid hookup, asks me. I, like the perfect gentlemen, ask "Well do you know mine?" Yup, she does. I can sense that I'm running out of options and just go for it. With the biggest grin I can muster, I reply with the first name that enters my head – Samantha. crack. CRACK. I feel two slaps in quick succession. The first one was clearly not hard enough, because she turned slightly, and put her entire body into the next one. I tried to apologize (I think, everything was still very hazy) and she hastily left. According to my neighbors, I remembered her name as she was making her way down the stairs, ran out into the hallway (still naked), and let out an emphatic CAROLINEEE!!! FUCK!!! Needless to say she refused to make eye contact with me for the rest of the year in the Women's History class.
I'm visiting some old friends for a weekend after a miserable first semester of law school. While in town, I send a Hail Mary phone call on Saturday night, roughly 2:15 am, to a girl I had hooked up with over the summer a few times (we'll call her Jess). Jess actually answers (pass complete!), but says she's going to a party if I want to meet up either later that night or tomorrow. I tell her to call me after the party. Of course, the second I get off the phone I immediately pass out. When I wake up, I figure I've blown my chance for some tail. Check the phone, no texts or calls. Figure that's the end of it. So a few friends and I start drinking bottomless mimosas and gambling on the NFL games.
At some point during the early games, Jess calls me and apologizes for not calling me back for whatever excuse she used. She has a meeting to go to for work, but after that wants to meet up. My hopes are up, but I'm not holding my breath. As the day continues and we go from one bar to the next, my buddy Steve and I continue to subject girls to our advances. Playing the percentages, eventually we find two chicks that appear like they are ready to party (including new girl Mandy). Of course once Mandy starts giving the signs that she is definitely into me, Jess calls me and says she's on her way. I alert Steve that he may have to juggle both of them. Soon I get the text from Jess that she's at the bar, I give the signal to Steve, and the switch is complete. In my mind, Jess was not only hotter than Mandy, but I figure I'm in town for one last night and will take my guaranteed ass over one that may be false advertising. It is a fairly crowded bar, and Steve pulls it off perfectly, playing dumb for all questions a confused Mandy continues to ask about me. Since the bar is pretty big, I escape from Mandy with no run-ins whatsoever. Jess acts like I she hasn't seen me in years, making out with me, sitting on my lap, etc. She suggests we get some beers, a quick bite to eat and go back to her place.
We grab beers first b/c it's about 11:45 and in this Bible-loving state beer sales stop at midnight. The whole ride Jess is telling me about how she wants me to stay longer, she's going to cook me breakfast, etc. We then head to a 24-hr diner for food. We order, she excuses herself to go to the restroom. Comes back, her eyes are red from crying and declares, "Ryan, I just can't do this. I'm in love with someone else, and I don't think it would be right if you and I slept together tonight." As I'm in Hour 11 of my boozing bender and she's sober, I'm not exactly sure how to out-reason her on this. Being as we're in a public place, I try to keep my cool, telling her it's ok, I understand. I eat the most awkward BLT of my life, and ask if she can drive me back to the bar. She says no problem, and once the car leaves the diner the truth begins to set in. So I begin to tell her about how she has completely dicked me around. The car ride ends at the bar with her hysterically crying and yelling at me, while I slam the door and tell her as a parting gift I will let her keep the 12-pack.
So back I go to the bar. Steve is about to leave, but I intercept him and figure we'll try to rekindle the flame with Mandy and her friend. Oddly, Mandy does not seem too deterred by the fact that I was missing for about two hours. After brushing off her questions about my absence with, "Oh, I had to deal with an ex," she seems ok with that explanation. Steve and I are back in business! The girls are dancing promiscuously with us, and things are looking good. Then for some unknown reason Steve's girl just gets up and leaves. Steve is furious and now has no reason to stick around. Mandy says she can give me a ride home, which of course I will take her up on. I'm crashing at Steve's place and he texts me that he'll leave the door unlocked. My phone dies after receiving this text, which I don't think too much of.
Then my drunkenness begins to take hold. I realize we are going the complete wrong direction. After taking 25 minutes for a 10 minute drive, we get to his apartment complex and then I realize two major problems. First, it's one of those giant complexes where you need a key to get into the apartment areas. Second, even if we somehow get into the complex, I don't have any clue what apartment number he is. I attempt to use the security call box to call his roommate (the only one listed on the box) about 40 times. Of course the intercom doesn't work, and the roommate can't hear me and thinks it is a wrong number. Then he gets irritated by the constant phone calls and says to never call him again. Of course I keep calling, seeing a glimmer of hope, but that would be the last time he answers. All this time, Mandy is sitting there sobering up and clearly annoyed by having to watch this debacle. She was very nice about everything, but eventually I give up and tell her she might as well go home. After a few minutes of "I feel bad, you don't even have a coat, what are you going to do," she takes my number and of course I never heard from her again.
I ended up stumbling around the parking garage for like 20 minutes before finding my friend's car, which I realized I had to be near since all my stuff was at his place and I couldn't contact him b/c of my useless cell phone. Fortunately one of the doors was unlocked. So I slept in the car, and we both managed to scare the shit out of each other in the morning when he was got in the car to go to work. Oh and to top things off, I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and had to leave the car to throw up in the garage.