Men, Valentine's Day is basically here. If you are single and not bothered about it, you're off the hook. Have a nice Tuesday. If you're lovelorn, just rent a wingman and try to woo a Lady Who Hangs Out In Bars. Have fun being single and carefree. The rest of you, be you new boyfriend or husband of several years, are required by the laws of common decency to get your woman something. Don't fight it.
So, if you haven't already received a "hint," or booked your romantic evening, your foreseeable future involves shopping. As you traverse the mall, the 99-cents store, or the Internet, here are some Valentine's Day gifts to avoid. This list is also known as Things To Get Your Woman If You Will Be Okay Living Without Her.
Your lady love doesn't need a watch because, like everyone else, she uses her phone to tell time, or maybe some method that involves staring at the equator and dividing the sun's path into segments. Plus, no one, under any circumstances, should broadcast their love for the Columbus Blue Jackets.
If you're with a pistol-packin' NASCAR lass, good on ya. She doesn't want these. Reminder: giving a woman a ring that is not an engagement ring will get your ass kicked.
Girls typically choose their own body adornment. (Here's a tidbit that speaks volumes about the above item: It's out of stock.)
All together now, to the tune of "C Is for Cookie" ...
Don't buy anyone period panties, ever.
In black or white, this is just dead hideous. Black and yellow, however ... nope—still hideous.
First, let's consider what kind of person might be the one who likes this on Facebook. Moving on. A girl who receives this will not only think you're planning to marry her, she'll think you want to find this frilly mess under her dress on your wedding night, which is just weird.
Even if you're lucky enough to be dating a Giants fan—who are all perfect and intelligent—and you have the urge to commemorate her team's mighty victory with the gift of flowers, she'd rather receive a dozen roses than this janky display.
Kitchen stuff is never a good idea, because it makes the light of your life feel as if your affections are tied to her cooking skills. Not even her favorite team's logo will temper the shitstorm you will surely face if you present this to her tomorrow.
Collecting decorative shoes is a thing. There is no reason to nurture this pastime, regardless of recent events.
Bottom line: just write her a love poem instead.
Megan Gilbert is a writer. Follow her on Twitter @ithardlymatt3rs.