Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Around March 2010, my wife all of a sudden stopped having sex with me. I accepted some of the lamest excuses ever. One day, in November 2010, I came home and she told me she was leaving me for the man she truly loved and she would take over the house.
I moved into my old bedroom at my parents' house. About 5 weeks later, I was diagnosed with cancer, and it had spread. A below the knee amputation, seven rounds of chemotherapy, and another surgery later, I was basically half-dead in my childhood bedroom with my parents and sister taking care of me daily. Luckily I had a great salary insurance policy and the paychecks kept coming in like always yet no mortgage, no rent, utilities, etc. All of a sudden, I had over a year of paychecks pretty much unspent, along with what I had before saved, and while I was feeling better, I still thought I was done for. You can guess where a guy with a barrel full of disposable cash that hasn't gotten laid in nearly two years is gonna go. That's right, Las Vegas. I planned to play lots of poker while staying at a top notch joint where the concierge surely knew where to obtain the high-priced top talent for an in-room visit.
Fast forward to January 2012. I got to Vegas late on the first night so I planned to seek out well-compensated companionship the next night when I was rested. I was playing poker and there were two ladies at the table. For the first time since I was diagnosed with cancer, and against my doctor's wishes, I was boozing it up. I didn't care really about anything. The subject of how I lost my leg and why I needed the prosthetic came up, and I answered that I didn't want to talk about it.
A little while later, I got up to hit the bathroom and when I came out, one of the ladies at the table was standing there waiting for me. She asked me, "So, how did you lose your leg? You lost it in the military didn't you?" Sensing an opportunity, I answered "Yes." She then asked who I was in Vegas with and I told her I was all alone and, this being Vegas, she offered me a "sympathy lay." I immediately accepted of course and next thing you know we were up in my room and I had to use the bathroom again. (damn cancer medication).
When I came out of the bathroom, she asked me "So, how did you really lose your leg?" I didn't really answer and she held up my cancer medication (which I had stupidly left out on the table and never even thought about) and said "I am an oncology nurse and I know this is cancer medication." She got up to leave and as a guy with a serious woodrow having not gotten laid for nearly two years, I begged her to stay. I then offered to pay her, and she slapped me in the face! She left and that was that. Karma for letting her think I lost my leg in the service, if you ask me. (It wasn't all bad though, my original plan to obtain high-priced talent went off flawlessly).
Awwww happy ending!
I was at a party during commencement my senior year of college. Things were breaking up when a girl I fancied, Sarah, invited me back to her friend Vladi's house for shots. A group of six of us (3 guys, 3 ladies) stumbled over to Vladi's house. Now Vladi, whom I had never met, was a charming Eastern European chap. He fed us shots of vodka, and at some point, started bossing us around, but in a fun way. "Everyone in the hot tub!" he exclaimed, and we all shrugged and got in. "Everyone in the shower!" he said, and soon the six of us were crammed into the shower in our skivvies. Then it was "Everyone to bed!" This is hard to explain, but the mood was right, and we all just went along.
Soon the six of us were in bed, making out. I was paired with Sarah, so things were good. Then Eddy, the third guy, announced that he was falling off the bed. We rearranged to accommodate him, but in the process, Eddy swiped Sarah. I found myself with Sarah's friend, who was less enthused about the Eurosexparty. We made out half-hardheartedly while the other couples started really getting down to business. After a couple minutes of awkwardness, I excused myself from the proceedings and sulked off to get dressed and go home. Alas, I missed my shot at group sex. Heard that Eddy slept over and took an extra uncomfortable walk of shame past Vladi's grandmother the next morning.
A few years back I was on tour with my band and we got to Glasgow. Back in NYC the year before, I had shacked up with Chloe, a girl from Glasgow who was living in the States at the time. She was a wacko, but pretty cute and always up for a good time. We stayed friendly when she moved back to Scotland so I made plans to hang with her after the show and crash at her place. I was pretty psyched to stay at a real apartment and she mentioned she just bought a brand new bed which would be a welcome change from the van and the floors of Travelodges. (I am not in Metallica, derp.)
During the show I can see her from my vantage point on the stage and she's doing shots and pounding Guiness. After the show, she's a drunken mess. Screaming and fighting with my singer (a girl), acting like a menace. Of course, I'm still assuming I'm gonna get laid so we head back to her apt. We start fooling around on the couch when it becomes apparent she's done for. Totally incoherent, babbling, and not very attractive at that moment. But still....she drags me into her bedroom and lies down on on the floor. Then I notice she's pissed her pants.
I take off her pants and put on dry sweats (not so sexy). At this point I just want to go to sleep and I look around and ask her where's the bed. The box, she says. Huh? "The box!" I look and see a heavy duty cardboard box on the floor. It contains an unassembled bed. That was a sublime feeling of "Are you fucking kidding me?" mixed with "OK, this is pretty funny." The floor was full of her pee since she wouldn't let me leave to get towels to clean it up. So, I ended up sleeping on top of the box. Which was, technically, a brand new bed.
The next day I realized her pee had gotten all over my sleeping bag after I brought it into the van and the whole band complained about the stench. I blamed it on her cat.