A Stripper's Guide To The Final FourS

During the 2007 Final Four, I traveled to Atlanta with a couple of friends to dance at the Pink Pony. We were surprised to find the local dancers questioning why the dancer manager was urging them to work all weekend, then do it again next weekend during the Masters. By the Sunday before the final, when the line to get in the club wound around the building, they understood. Major sporting events deliver major impacts for local businesses, and the sex industry is right there alongside hotels, restaurants and t-shirt counterfeiters when it comes to cashing in. This isn't news if you've seen the annual "100,000 Prostitutes Expected in (insert host city) for Super Bowl" articles, or the photos of athletes making it rain in strip clubs, or the resulting arrest reports. It shouldn't be news to dancers, either: for big-ticket college sports events like bowl games and the upcoming NCAA Final Four in New Orleans, alumni will be bringing their cash to town, and to the club.

My friends and I came to Atlanta well prepared. We'd done our research on Georgetown, Ohio State, UCLA, and Florida, and that was the order in which we approached each school's fans. I'd worked in Columbus, and knew Ohio customers to be very generous in the strip club when in town for sporting events. One of the girls I was with grew up near Georgetown and knew that Hoyas supporters had money, and that their local strip clubs were weak. All of us knew UCLA didn't travel well and that Southern Californians were accustomed to very liberal strip club touching laws. Seeing at least one Florida fan per night get peeled off of the floor by security—Gators boosters travel very young and very drunk—ensured that they were the last customers we tried.

For all the dancers (and other service workers who might find this information useful) in New Orleans, this scouting report uses post-graduation salary data from payscale.com (numbers are the median mid-career salaries of a given school's graduates), some possibly offensive stereotypes, and an analysis of strip clubs in each school's home state to predict the behavior of the fans of each school in the Final Four. These rankings should help you decide who to approach, who to avoid, and who might be interested in talking about William S. Burroughs.

4. Louisville (4)

Louisville is the money, seed, and enrollment loser in this Final Four, but there's not so much going on in Louisville that they'll be jaded about a trip to NOLA. Their strippers have to wear pasties and can't give lapdances. If you approach an older Cardinal, ask him if he knows Charles Taylor, the 71-year-old who punched a 68-year old Kentucky fan in the face at a dialysis clinic.

Average Salary: $72,400

Typical Alum: Works for UPS or in healthcare. Likely to be a better dresser than his fellow Kentuckians from Lexington. Will tip dancers on stage the best. Also likely to be less white than the other fans.

Opening Line: "Is it racist to say 'hot brown'?"; "So, you actually understood the dialogue in Luck?"

3. Kentucky (1)

Kentucky is a huge, basketball-crazed school that travels well, but they might be a little jaded from so many Final Four appearances to really throw down. Their strip clubs are not nearly as restrictive as those in Louisville, and aren't nearly as large or heavily staffed as the Bourbon Street clubs.

Average Salary: $78,300

Typical Alum: Owns a car dealership or works in hospitality. Will be dressed in business casual and buy lapdances for his friends.

Opening Line: "Are you a Givens or a Crowder?"

Bonus Opening Line for Use on John Calipari: "The NCAA won't ever be able to take this champagne room away from you."

2. Ohio State (2)

The entire state of Ohio suffers under some of the most restrictive strip club laws in the country, an unfortunate turn of events for such a densely populated state. OSU alumni are likely to spend more when traveling now that their home clubs are less fun. And they will travel for a lapdance: it's conventional wisdom among traveling strippers that golfers from Ohio flood the strip clubs of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina every year during golf season. They're also likely to simply outnumber the other travelers because of the sheer size of the school, the third largest in the country.

Average Salary: $78,300

Typical Alum: Middle manager for Procter & Gamble or JP Morgan Chase. Will be wearing at least two items of official OSU gear and a mustache. Will buy lapdances and champagne rooms.

Opening Line: Talk to him about what he's really interested in-Ohio State football.

1. Kansas (2)

The Kansas fan base has three great stripper-friendly characteristics. The school is in the Midwest, so they're both willing and happy to travel to a party spot; the university is both large and a traditional basketball power; and it's the alma mater of Jason Sudeikis, who is amazing as a strip club DJ on SNL. The strip clubs in Kansas aren't awful but they're not terribly numerous, either. Add it up, and you've got a fan base with a great combination of earning power and serious appreciation for friendly naked women.

Average Salary: $80,400

Typical alum: Agriculture or manufacturing executive. Will be dressed conservatively and buy champagne rooms if alone.

Opening line: "Rock, Chalk, Booty Drop!"; talk to him about why there is a turnpike in Kansas; ask about his favorite William S. Burroughs book.

Bubbles Burbujas is a career stripper who started dancing while Clinton was in office. She has a B.A. in English and enjoys playing totally inappropriate music at work. She's on Twitter, has a Tumblr, and contributes to Tits and Sass.

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