Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It’s like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.
Subject: Neighborhood gang terrorizing local families
From: Dee Chamness
To: The Staff
I’m not sure what kinds of tips you are expecting, but I am hoping to get a response about a problem with a gang of guys living at the corner of Greenwald St. and Ohmer Ave. in Dayton, Ohio.
There’s a group of men who almost every night come out into the street blocking traffic; whooping and hollering with noise so loud building shake two or three houses away and it’s setting off car alarms; and, the older, retired neighbors are so afraid of being shot or something that they sit inside their homes with loaded shotguns to protect themselves until about 2:00am in the morning. Apparently, in the past the Dayton police have been called but don’t respond...either because they are afraid or they are involved...who knows?
The other night a souped-up car with 4 guys sped down Greenwald past the stop sign, into the busy intersection on Linden Avenue stopping oncoming traffic by doing wheelies for several minutes. Then the rest of the gang walked down to admire the burn-outs on the pavement. We think this was part of an initation into the gang, so the gang numbers are growing.
Since these guys are not afraid to die or kill someone, what can be done to bring peace to this community??? I’m hoping you have some good suggestions since the police don’t want to get involved with this gang. I’m afraid to drive down and shop on Linden Ave. at Greenwald because I don’t want to get killed by some maniacs.
Please let me know if you can help.
Subject: um grande admirador
From: Alex Gelane
To: Jack Dickey
MY NAME IS ALEX AND I AM GELANE RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL.
HERE IN BRAZIL reruns SPEND THEIR FIGHT AND WAS, BUT VERY MUCH admired for his YOUR STYLE AND CLAW.
SEE IS VERY GOOD FRIEND OF BELLY TO FIGHT FOR YOUR IDEAL (LITERALLY).
ON A DAY OF YOUR FAN reruns turned card-carrying, VC HOPE STILL CONTINUE FIGHTING, BUT SINCERELY WANT TO BE MUCH MORE THAN A FAN, WANTED TO BE A GREAT FRIEND.
MY NAME IS ALEX XAVIER GELANE AM MARRIED TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO LOVES ME AND YOU IN ME is Kellen.
I HAVE 3 CHILDREN MY OLDEST It ALBERTO GABRIEL, THE MIDDLE IF Iasmin KETLLIN FLAME, FLAME AND ALEX IS MY CASULINHA GUSTEVO.
I HAVE 33 YEARS AND HAVE A PEQUEN SHOP MAINTENANCE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD CALLED SENATOR House.
I LIVE ON THE STREET PLATTER C-22 th SENATOR CAMERA RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL.
It’s MY PHONE [redacted]. CEP :21843-000.
MY PARENTS ARE STILL ALIVE, AND ME ORGOLHO THEM. AND THEM FOR ME.
GAIN SOME U.S. $: 1,300.00 PER MONTH AND I LIVE FOR RENT, BUT I AM VERY HAPPY FOR GOD HAS GIVEN ME MY FAMILY.
MY DEAR FRIEND EVEN IF YOU ANSWER THIS EMAIL Ñ, LEAVE HERE MY ADMIRATION FOR HIS DETERMINATION AND VC.
ASS: ALEX XAVIER GELANE.
From: Erik M.
To: Jack Dickey
[Ed.: this is an excerpt from his résumé.]
[Ed.: We wrote him back to say we only used “deckhands” as a figure of speech, and he called us quickly. “Yes, hi, how are you, Erik? Listen, we were looking for sportswriting interns, not deckhands. This is a sports website, not a boat.” “So there are no deckhand jobs?” “No.” If you are looking to hire a deckhand, email us, and we’ll put you in touch with Erik. He has all the proper documentation.]
Subject: In Regards to deadspin.com acquisition
From: Rebecca Lange
To: Tim Burke
We are a private venture capital broker. Our investors would like to open up discussions about the possible acquisition of deadspin.com.
They are interested in acquiring profitable businesses in this niche that have revenues above $150k per year and/or have traffic over 100k unique visitors per month.
Offers are usually at multiples of trailing earnings, however, some deals are based on brand, user base, and traffic.
If interested in entertaining an offer, please provide us with some history of the online business and best time to reach you.
Buying Team Lead
Site Sales Specialists
Notable Twitter Fanmail
@Deadspin FRAUD LIBERAL CUNT FUCKS
— Frank Miller (@JMiller31) April 11, 2012
@DrewMagary has an awful column up on Deadspin. Vacuous and self-serving. He should stick to dick jokes.
— Michael Tee (@fizzchem) April 13, 2012