Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "ANGRY TRANNY BEATS UP GUY WHO WON'T PAY - MELBOURNE" (with an accompanying news report). Tonight's commentator: Butch Cordora, a fabulous artist/photographer/television-host from Philadelphia who could probably kick your ass.

Here's what Cordora saw:

I thought by 2012 every human being on the planet would know the 3 cardinal rules to live by:

1) Don't run into a burning building.

2) Don't walk down an alley after dark.

3) DON'T FUCK WITH A TRANNY!!!

Cardinal Rule No. 4: Don't talk about fucking with a tranny.

As long as I live, I'll never understand the fascination with cross-dressing and the "straight" men who dig that sort of thing. And that's coming from me; a "Gold Star Gay"! (de.fi.ni.tion - a homosexual who's never been intimate with the opposite sex in any way, shape or form.)

You don't happen to think Mr. Man thought that "Tour Guide Barbie" was an anatomically correct female, found out the hard way (hehehe.. hard way) that she wasn't, then refused to pay, do you?

Possible. Unlikely.

At any rate, the most cringe-worthy part of this clip? How the "john" with his shirt unbuttoned, gaping Angelina Jolie slit from crotch to shin and fat belly hanging out, felt more naked and exposed than even tricka!

Funniest part: Hands down, pure and simple, fights are HILARIOUS when done in Aussie speech/the Queen's English! (listen closely, you'll crack up.)

Finally, the saddest part; I hope the 1st call Miss Thing made was to 1998 because they're looking for that Motorola flip-phone she's just stolen!

Oh no Butch di'int.

Clearly there are no winners here.

There rarely are.

And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:

• A cheap shot from a kid in a Biggie shirt, in a film subtitled, "Don't think he should be talking shit about him bitch." (Start of Violence, 0:17).

• Further proof that Russian fights are better than American fights: Grampa with a bat defeated by foe. (SoV, 3:02)

• Anyway, what is the American hero who separates NYC subway kick-fighters eating? Dried apricots. (SoV, instantly)

• Your "Chick fight at Scores Fun Center" In Ohio Interlude:

• Three fights, one location. (SoV, 0:01)

• Crazy kids at Jacksonville State fighting in the streets. (SoV, instantly)

• Here we have Butterball and Gayboy doing battle on a lawn. They wear headgear and gloves. Gayboy seems quicker on his feet than Butterball. (SoV, 0:20)

• Your Wilberforce University and Central State University Fraternity Brawl Kubrick-Inspired Intermission:

• Bros engage in "Drunken irish fight SLAMMED ON CONCRETE." Commentator does one of those orgasmic Ray Hudson Messi moments, but for, like, six minutes. And all cussy. And turned on. (SoV, 1:17)

• Two girls, two rounds. (SoV, 2:42 and 5:52)

• And, two "broads bangin on Burr St." (SoV, 0:10)

• Ladybug and Tofini do battle. In HD! Holla. Oh, Ladybug's a brah. (SoV, instantly)

• Your Oorah Warning Alert:

• Hey look, two girls [are] fighting like crazy" near a concerned videographer's car. (SoV, instantly)

• "No arrests were made by the Manila International Airport Authority's police intelligence and investigation department (PIID) after Sunday's "rumble" at the NAIA Terminal 3 between Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Ramon Tulfo and a group of men, including actor Raymart Santiago." (SoV, instantly)

• Live look-in on a fight outside a Greenville barbershop from inside the Greenville barbershop. (SoV, 0:09)

• Others: "Brawl in Alabama." "Funny School Fight #1 (In The Park)." "Liquor Store Diaries - Guy Gets Jumped." "This Girl & Boy Fight On Broadway!" "McNair High School fight." "Epic Dorm Room Fight." "This Fight Video Will Make You Feel Sorry For Humanity." "Street fight, Orange County, Cal." "Skatepark Brawl." "[Must See!] Females Brawling In North Carolina."

• Your Utterly Irresponsible Parents And Spectators Goading Young Girls Into A Fist Fight Coda: