Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Russian Gang Fight." Tonight's commentator: Andy Reid (or Ried) impersonator/Armenian/comedian Steve Odabashian.
My Dad was born in Krasnodar, Russia and had a red jacket eerily similar to one worn by a gangster in this video. I'm not quite sure how he he made such a smooth transition from Russian street fighter to pediatrician.
The Siberia Stolis have homefield advantage as they await their opponent, the Yalta Yakof Smirnoffs. The Yakofs are a disorganized bunch. Twenty-one seconds into the video, Vladmir's Mom drops him off at the square, and he runs in from screen right, seconds before drawing a flag for too few men in the square.
Since the Eagles aren't resigning Ronnie Brown, Joe Banner has been talking to Vladmir as a possible free agent to be the Birds' new go-to clutch moron. But the Stolis have their own mental lapses. Their official gang DJ, Ivan the Technoble, is about 20 seconds late with the Stoli fight song (inexplicably, the 20th Century Fox movie intro music). These boys need their music if they're gonna crack some Smirnoff skullski.
As you may know, T.O. has sadly bounced around the NFL, then to the World League, then to the Arena league, and now the Russian league as a dance instructor/kick returner. And it's no coincidence that the Yakofs whip out some choreographed wing flapping, a la 2004 T.O.
Despite all the chaos, the Yakofs snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It's like one of those games when you look at the box score, and you see 3 first downs, 15 minutes time of possession, a -4 in turnover differential, and it all adds up to a W out of nowhere.
Note: My broken Russian tells me the victory chant at the end roughly translates into "Oonga oonga oonga shaka!" The only thing missing is a shirtless Tavit Haselhoffovich. My guess is he's rolling around in his Hotel Ukrainia room with some stoli, eating cutlet off the floor.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• This is what happens when you get all raycess, regardless of who's around to hear your slurrin'. (Start of Violence, 0:33)
• The start of summer means many things. Among them: Brawls on the Wildwood, NJ Boardwalk. (SoV, 0:20ish)
• It's high-school graduation time in Brockton, Mass. And that can only mean one thing: Graduations brawls between rival gangs! And cops with guns drawn, yo! West side 4 lyfe. (SoV, 0:28)
• Your "Pregnant Bitch Wants Fight" Intermission:
• Dudes, fighting in dong-high waters, after gauntlet thrown down via splashed aggression. (SoV, 0:50)
• In the case of Haverly vs. Greenberg, it could only be White Boy Day for one of 'em. (SoV, 0:36)
• The moral of the story? Don't talk sh*t on Twitter, or this might happen to you. (SoV, instantly)
• The "South Gate Fair girl fight" would have been considerably better if the cinematographer thought to film it properly. (SoV, instantly)
• Your "How To Deal With Multiple Attackers" One To Grow On:
• This "2 girls fight in hotel room" footage is brought to you by Money Hustle Music. Of course it is. (SoV, 1:37)
• Presenting "Whitely World Ent fight in bml." Title translation possibilities welcome in the comments section. (SoV, instantly)
• Spolier Alert: Either a Mexican or a "Fat Kid" loses a tooth. (SoV, 0:39)
• Hear ye, hear ye. Today's show is brought to you by "Don't Call His Girl Fat Bottle Broken Over Head, Dude Stomped in KY! WATCH!!!!CRAZY FIGHT!!!" Get him off the street! (SoV, 0:45)
• Your "Bus Passenger Rage" Interlude:
• Lady gets pushed over the rail on a Philly front porch; seemingly lands on her feet. For a couple minutes, at least. Until she chooses to talk about some guy's mama. Which is justification to start swinging real steel at her. In front of a school bus. World Star! Dayeum! (SoV, instantly)
• Two young ladies choose to work their problems out not with words, but with fists. (SoV, 0:08)
• White girl vs. Black girl. Who ya got? (SoV, instantly)
• Others: "30 EDL Racists Brutally Attack 3 Asians." "Crazy people fights with chairs." "Team MILLS Vs. John Doe EFK (Elmira fight klub) Second Street Fight." "Ultimate Massive Fight!" "dekaney fight restroom brawl." "NSU Fight!" "(EXCLUSIVE) Boston Club Fight!!! It goes down @ups n down pt 2." "Old City (Knoxville) Fight." "Fuckin Fags making the Block HottER." "WHY WE CAN'T GET ALONG?!!! [MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND] // YOUNG GIRL TRIES 2 BANG W/ OLD GUY & WOMAN!!" "Russian Scandal and Riots." "Spurs fans fight in stands during Thunder/Spurs Game 2." "Pretty decent fight at the USA vs. Brazil game. (H/T Brad W.)" "Street Fighter in real." "Tote Beatin Crystal's ASS!" "ghetto fight." "FIGHT ON SOCCER FIELD." "Another Hood fight." "Brawl at rebelution concert." "Fight in European City." "Chatsworth Lunch Brawl." "Camden (NJ) Cat Fight."
• Your "Break It Up, Scumbag" Jersey-Train Lady-Fight Coda: