Bro-Tastic Laxachusetts Lax Bros Get The Bro-Tastic Story They Deserve From The Boston Bro-beS

Mark this date in history, people. Years from now, you will look back at June 5th, 2012, as the beginning of the LAX BRO MOVEMENT. And you will have Boston Globe reporter Jenifer McKim to thank for it:

Brookline third-grader Beau Keough considers himself more than a dedicated lacrosse player. At 9 years old, he is already a lax bro, one of a growing group of young lacrosse enthusiasts who have cultivated a laid-back lifestyle to pair with the high-energy field sport.

That's right, you guys. BO KO LAX BRO is about to take you on a crash course in the LAX BRO LIFESTYLE. Join him and the Globe as they walk you through the finer points of being a proper lax bro:

"You have to have a lot of the stuff, wear it a lot of the time,'' said Keough, who plays on the town team. "Lacrosse is cool."

So cool! Because you have stuff! And then you wear that stuff! And then people are like, "Look at that guy wearing all that stuff!" TOTES LAX BRO RIGHT THERE.

Older lax bros—short for "lacrosse brothers"—

Whoa hey, THAT is what "lax bros" stands for? I thought it was short for laxative bromides. Thanks for the clarification, Globe.

...tend to offer similarly vague definitions of the phenomenon.

Indeed. No one, not even lax bro elders, can put the entire lax bro era into proper words. It's an abstract movement, like Cubism, or 19th century Populism, or The Great Zima Craze of '94. It will take years of study by anthropologists to fully comprehend the MASSIVE transformation going on right now among dipshit white kids in tiny suburban pockets of Massachusetts, Maryland, and Virginia. Suffice it to say, the wearing of stuff will prove crucial.

Lax bros display a certain understated confidence that critics call arrogance.

No. It's arrogance. I assure you. And it's not understated. There's nothing understated about Tyler Taylor Toyler IV struttin' around school twirling a stick and wearing a shirt that says I AIN'T LAX ABOUT CRUSHIN' PUSSY.

They wear their hair long, a look known as "lettuce."

Also known as the Lion's Romaine. Such a sweet look, bro.

They carry lacrosse sticks, or "spoons," on and off the field.

Bro, grab your spoon and meet me out at the salad bowl.

Everything good is "chill," especially chillin'...

But CHILLAXIN' is strictly for the most advanced bros. Please note that NO OTHER YOUTHS uses such terminology.

...a favored activity that often includes listening to the music of O.A.R., Dispatch, and Dave Mathews [sic].

God, that's just the greatest, isn't? Keep in mind that this article ran TODAY. An article about the growing "trend" of lacrosse players who think lacrosse is cool and listen to Dave Matthews Band. This subset of white culture totally never existed before.

"You check the way the kids carry themselves,'' said Tommy Lee, a father of two lax bros who coaches a Brookline Youth Lacrosse team of fifth- and sixth-grade boys.

I hope he has a bumper sticker on his Explorer that says PROUD PARENT OF TWO LAX BROS.

"It has become a really cool thing. It's like walking around with a little swagger."

Ooh, another telltale sign that understated lax bro confidence is taking root among American youths. If we can't trust the trendspotting capabilities of Tommy Lee, who can we trust?

But others worry the identity exudes a preppie/frat-boy image that glorifies elitism and wealth, and values flash over hard work.

"Whoa hey, this preppy frat boy brand we've created might cause people to think we're preppy frat boys!"

Some youth lacrosse leagues discourage any association between players and the lax bro lifestyle. "We are anti-lax bro,'' said Dan Chouinard, program director for the Boston club team Laxachusetts.

LAXACHUSETTS!

Many lacrosse players are "gear heads"—they collect a variety of sticks, using some for games and others for hanging out with their lax bro buddies.

I swear, this article ran in an actual newspaper. This wasn't copy lifted from a sales brochure at the Laxaquarium in downtown Natick. By the way, I eagerly look forward to Lax Bro Buddies being the next direct-to-DVD talking dog movie after Spooky Buddies and Treasure Buddies. OAR can write the score.

Kristopher Campbell, 13, of Longmeadow, said he owns 10 sticks and is always looking for something newer and better. Being a lax bro, he said, is all about the look and the love of the game. "It is someone who likes to wear all the lacrosse stuff."

STUFF! Lacrosse leads all sports in stuffiness!

Local stores like Commonwealth Lacrosse, with seven locations in Massachusetts, sell an array of socks, hats, and T-shirts, including those that read, "Lax Bro" and "Welcome to Laxachusetts."

You can also pay extra for a WELCOME TO LAXACHUSETTS, LAX BRO shirt. Other slogans include:

• WELCOME TO NEWLAX HAMPCROSSESHIRE
• LAX SIS
• FRANKIE SAYS LAX
• CHILLIONAIRE

The shops feature products by a New York company called Flow Society, which claims to "represent the flow of the game and the flow of energy from a growing culture." Its website includes a video of young lacrosse players running through a chateau-like, chandelier-studded space.

Yes, because nothing communicates the openness and inclusivity of lacrosse culture quite like a video of players running through A GODDAMN MANSION.

At Commonwealth Lacrosse in Needham, assistant manager Chris MacKay... said he also is a member of the bro tribe...

It's not offensive to call lax players a tribe because the sport was originally played by Native Americans. Then all the white people came and killed the Native Americans and stole their sport and made promotional videos for it inside a McMansion ballroom. Totally classy move.

...although he cannot pinpoint exactly what that means.

Please note that McKim has spent this entire article searching for the meaning of being a "lax bro" and has gotten only answers like this:

It is "someone who plays a lot of lacrosse, enjoys hanging out, being sort of lackadaisical,'' MacKay said. "Everyone has their own opinion of a lax bro. That is mine."

And what an in-depth viewpoint that is on the amazing PHENOMENON of kids playing lacrosse, buying lots of crap, cranking the DMB, and then, like, hanging out and shit. Lacrosse is the fucking worst.

H/T Bakes