"I Am Sorry If I Had Disappoint You": A Dialogue Between An Extremely Frustrated Gamer And Madden Tech Support

From tipster "Peter King" comes this transcript of his encounter with Electronic Arts tech support. Mr. "King" comes bearing questions about his online Madden league. Manish from tech support brings up a nonexistent "online pass." Relations deteriorate pretty quickly from there. Watch as our Madden player—merely hoping to advance his team from one week to the next!—gets feistier and feistier, until, finally, "fuck it." Tech support's Manish, acting according to protocol, can't find peace. We can sympathize with the aggrieved Madden player, who—while a little light on compassion and a little heavy on xenophobia—did drop $60 on a video game and would like just a little assistance in return. But the real hero of this exchange is poor, patient Manish, whose only crime is that he works on the wrong end of a globalized economy. World is flat, my ass.

You are now ready to chat with Manish.

Manish:
Thanks for contacting EA Help! My name is Manish how may I help you?
you:
i need help with madden 12 online franchise
Manish:
Okay.
Manish:
May I know what problem you are facing with your online pass?
you:
the commissioner of my league has advanced the online franchise to the next week, but it hasn't worked for me
Manish:
Is it coming invalid?
you:
no, it's simply not advancing the week for my particular team, i'm still stuck on the week previous
Manish:
Have you tried to re-download your online pass?
you:
what the hell are you talking about? what is an online pass?
Manish:
There is no online franchise in Madden 12.
you:
really? well what in god's name have i been playing for the past 9 months then? it certainly seems like there was an online franchise, unless this whole thing has been one epic lsd trip
Manish:
Do you want to play online?
you:
no you dolt. let me start from scratch. do you know what madden 12 is?
Manish:
Yes.
Manish:
I know.
you:
what is it?
Manish:
It is a game.
you:
what kind of game?
Manish:
Sports.
you:
what sport?
Manish:
We have many titles like madden nhl and madden nfl.
Manish:
May I know your first and last name please?
you:
there is no madden nhl
Manish:
Yes, there is is national hockey league.
you:
yes, but it is not Madden, you goofball
you:
may i know your first and last name please?
Manish:
May I know the exact problem that you are facing with?
you:
i already told you what my problem is once. but now i have a new problem. i am speaking with a resident of india who has never owned, or even played an EA video game and it is extremely frustrating. Have you ever had someone patronize you and pretend like they are trying to be helpful when really they are just wasting your time with idiocy?.
Manish:
I am sorry, if I have provided you wrong response.
you:
you have no idea what i'm talking about, at all, do you
Manish:
I can understand your concern. Please don't worry, I will try my best to help you out.
you:
Manwich, can you tell me how much you are making in New Delhi for this job?
Manish:
My name is Manish.
you:
Could you please answer my question, manwich?
Manish:
What question?
you:
can you tell me how much you are making in New Delhi for this job?
Manish:
I couldn't share this information with you.
you:
Ok. Well let's just pretend it's 8 rupees per hour.
you:
I would like for you to do the following: take the 2 rupees you earned for wasting my time this afternoon, and go buy some matches
you:
come back to your desk, and then use the matches to set your computer on fire. at least this way you won't be wasting any electricity
Manish:
I am sorry if I had disappoint you.
you:
you have disappointed me. greatly. and i do not accept your apology
Manish:
I understand that.
you:
is there anyone in New Dehli that has actually played Madden 12??
Manish:
Should we start again?
you:
Manwich, is there anyone in New Dehli that has actually played Madden 12??
Manish:
I appreciate if you pronounce my name correctly as Manish.
you:
Is it frustrating? It's kind of like you asking me about Online Pass when I specifically asked you about Madden 12 Online Franchise
Manish:
What you want to know about Madden 12 Online Franchise?
you:
Do you know what it is?
Manish:
Which platform (Xbox 360, PC, PS3) are you playing the game on?
you:
PS3
Manish:
May I have your PSN ID?
you:
no - not until you can tell me what Madden 12 Online Franchise is
you:
Because earlier in our conversation, you accused me of being an LSD addict and told me that there was no such thing
Manish:
Up to 32 players can take part in an online franchise.
you:
no shit? 32?
Manish:
Sorry.
Manish:
I apologize for the inconvenience it may have caused, but the question you've submitted seems to be related to the mechanics of playing the game. Due to the high volume of contacts we receive, Customer Support is only able to assist with issues related to billing and accounts and of a technical nature, such as error messages, game lock-ups, or game crashes.
Manish:
The best way to get this information straight to our developers is through the forums.The Developers review the forums regularly as it is the best way to gather suggestions for the games and improvise them.
Manish:
Thank you for contacting EA. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Manish:
Just to ensure that I haven't lost you, could you please confirm whether we are still connected?
you:
oh i am still here
Manish:
Okay.
you:
you are not very bright.
you:
i would ask for your supervisor, but i can only imagine how stupid the person that trained you is. That sounds awful, so I will pass on that idea.
you:
How's the weather in New Dehli today?
Manish:
Its good.
you:
Manwich. Can you confirm that we are still connected?
Manish:
Yes, we are.
you:
you know what, fuck it. have a lovely day.

Your chat session has ended.

Image via Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock.