Dan Snyder's Official Team Bio Is A Tour De Force Of BullshitS

When you think of Redskins owner Dan Snyder, you think of a miserable, gutless sack of shit who ruined a franchise and made an entire fanbase hate his guts. Ah, but that's just how Dan Snyder is perceived in the real world. The world of official team bios, on the other hand, is magical place where any traces of Dan Snyder's most repulsive qualities are instantly scrubbed away and replaced with a rapturous canonization fit for atom-smashing scientists and Danish monarchs. Give it a brief glance and you'll quickly see how Snyder is able to casually distort reality in order to not throw up every time he looks in the mirror:

He has consistently led the franchise to new prominence in the community, the business world, and the National Football League.

The Redskins are 91-117 since Snyder assumed control.

Tickets to Redskins games have been sold out for more than 40 years.

Ask anyone who lives in the DC area about the Redskins' supposed sellout streak and they'll tell you it's complete bullshit. Twice, the team has ripped large swaths of seats out of FedEx Field so no one would see all the empties. Here's a glimpse of what a Redskins sellout looks like. If you want season tickets to the Redskins, it's very easy to buy them.

During Dan Snyder's 12 seasons as owner of the team, 19 different Redskins have earned a total of 31 Pro Bowl appearances

Now that SOUNDS impressive, I guess. Until you remember that pretty much every team piles up its share of Pro Bowlers after a dozen years. In fact, I went back and combed the Pro Bowl rosters over the past dozen years to see how the Skins stacked up against their division rivals.

GIANTS: 31 Pro Bowl appearances, 19 different players
COWBOYS: 59 Pro Bowl appearances, 22 players
EAGLES: 64 Pro Bowl appearances, 27 players

Not so impressive now that you look at it in full context. Also, there's nothing in there about the Skins ever winning the NFC East in Snyder's tenure, largely because they haven't. They last won the division in 1999. Snyder had nothing to do with that team's construction, and he promptly took it apart the next year to bring in Jeff George, Deion Sanders, and Bruce Smith.

[N]ine different Redskins have been named All-Pro, and seven Redskins draft picks have been selected to the All-Rookie Team.

Seven draft picks in 12 years! That's fucking terrible.

In addition, four players and one coach from his tenure as owner, Darrell Green, Russ Grimm, Chris Hanburger, Art Monk and George Allen, have gone on to induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

This is where Snyder takes the truth, stretches it, builds a parking lot nearby, overcharges for that parking lot, finds a sponsor, then sells tickets to Truth, brought to you by Taco Bell, at a 10 percent markup. Hanburger, Monk, and Allen didn't play or coach a single game during Snyder's ownership; Grimm, one of Joe Gibbs's Hogs, was an offensive line coach under Snyder in 1999 and 2000, but he was inducted as a player. They are not "from" Snyder's tenure. They may have been inducted while Snyder was the owner, but that doesn't mean Snyder had anything to do with it. As for Green, he played for four seasons under Snyder's ownership, starting only during the 1999 season, when Green was 342 years old.

With Hanburger's enshrinement in 2011, the Redskins have had the third most players and coaches inducted of any team since Snyder's purchase of the franchise in 1999.

But what the fuck does Dan Snyder have to do with that? There's only one Redskin from the past 12 years who has any hope of being inducted into the Hall of Fame in the future. That's Champ Bailey, who was drafted a month before Snyder took over, and whom Snyder then traded away (along with a second rounder!) for Clinton Portis. The Redskins' track record of player development over the past dozen years is exactly as woeful as you would expect from a 91-117 record.

He is a partner with Tom Cruise in Cruise/Wagner Productions, the actor's production company, and was an Executive Producer of Cruise's 2008 film "Valkyrie."

Fun fact: At least three actors from Valkyrie went on to play in the Pro Bowl.

He is enshrined in the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame.

And I assume that Snyder will now take credit for every other Jewish guy enshrined in that Hall of Fame since his enshrinement. Dan Snyder is the worst.