Dead Letters: Jeff Garlin Defends Himself Against "Struggling" Charges

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Hello from Jeff Garlin

From: Jeff Garlin
To: Kate Bennert

What struggle sister? The only thing I'm struggling with is how bad the cubs are. You clearly don't like me because what you wrote was clearly forced to make look bad. By the way I'm a huge deadspin fan so I know when something is as forced as your story. I'm glad you attached the video. I think it's funny.
Love,
Jeff

Subject: Craig James back in the political saddle again

From: Connor
To: The Staff

Hey guys,
I'm a huge fan of the site. I have checked it almost daily for awhile, so I feel it is now appropriate for me to give something back. As a pro-Leech man myself, I took especial interest in your coverage of Craig James' stellar Congressional campaign and bloody slaughter of five hookers.
I have recently moved to DC today for a summer job, and while on my lunchbreak today, I somehow ended up in a cafe five yards away from where Craig James was sitting with ten or so fellow diners. I was by myself, planning on reading the paper, but obviously immediately spent my entire lunch observing and eavesdropping on what was happening over at scumbag Craig's table. What followed was nothing short of bizarre.
First the people: Craig's fellow diners could best be described as an eclectic, and motley, crew. The three people directly across from him were all young. One was pretty normal looking and seemed like a decent guy. Another was a younger Asian, and the third was also young but sporting a fluorescent orange bob-style haircut. The man directly to Craig's right was where things took a turn down the bizarre road. The only way to describe this man would be a midget summer-santa with a bad eczema problem. This man literally did not speak a word the entire time, and neither did the woman next to him, who was presumably his wife and equally as strangle looking (if that's possible).
Now the conversation: Craig was very stiff, awkward at times, and overall looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. The group talked a lot about matters related to Texas. Craig didn't say much, but I will share two choice anecdotes. I want to stress that I was at most five yards away from the man and could hear every brilliant word he uttered, so these are 100% accurate.
The conversation between the diners was slow and awkward at times, and Craig broke one of the many awkward pauses/silences by marveling that there were two Starbucks within four blocks of the cafe we were at. Then, at another point, someone brought up the major construction happening on the main street which the cafe was located on. Craig informed the man that DC was putting in new underground pipes as part of "that stimulus thing." True intellectual.
Anyway, this is speculation, but I got the impression that Craig had gathered a few Texans living in DC together, along with some of his political staff, to figure out what his political career's next move should be. Nice to see that the man views getting three percent of the vote in a Congressional primary as merely the first step toward a promising political career, not a sign that he is both a terrible person and terrible politician. Romney-James 2012!
Let me know if you guys need any more info. I'm attaching three pictures, one which clearly shows James, and two that together give you a sense of just how small the man sitting next to him was. Keep doing what you're doing fellas, you guys are the best.

Connor
Dead Letters: Jeff Garlin Defends Himself Against "Struggling" Charges


Dead Letters: Jeff Garlin Defends Himself Against "Struggling" Charges

Dead Letters: Jeff Garlin Defends Himself Against "Struggling" Charges

[Ed.: this man is not Craig James.]

Subject: U r a loser

From: fionaburkefinn@aol
To: The Staff

Loser! U have nothing to wrrite about! Why blog!!!!!!!

Subject: Trent Williams's gorilla themed basement

From: Isabelle Alford-Lago
To: Barry Petchesky

I just read your article on Trent Williams and the gorilla art he's collected. I was so excited to learn about this because I've been working on a series of gorilla paintings and street art over the past three years. People call me Gorilla Girl, so I am kin to the "Silverback". Maybe I need to contact someone from the Redskins, but I wanted to forward my work to you as well, considering the interest we share in his art collecting. It's so fantastic!

During an exhibition this past May my gorillas were featured in an LA Times article: L.A. at Home. The rest of my work is on my site: IsabelleAlfordLago.com.

Thanks for the interesting article. I really enjoyed it!

Sincerely,

Isabelle Alford-Lago

Dead Letters: Jeff Garlin Defends Himself Against "Struggling" Charges

Subject: re Mariotti

From: barnard.helman
To: AJ Daulerio

So you can't refute his contention (or fact) that Deadspin is operated by maggots?

Subject: mariotti

From: bongos1972
To: AJ Daulerio

Hello, I read your entire article on Jay. To be perfectly honest with you.....You sound very bitter and jealous of him. You are probably not, but you come off very angry towards him. Unfortunately, this article makes me believe his side of the story instead of yours. Your writing makes you sound like a very "green" and immature writer. I am not a fan of Jay and really don't care what happens with him. I saw your article on a friends Facebook page and figured I'd read it. If you're trying to make it as a professional writer, you might want to tone down on the anger and bitterness. I makes you sound "Bush-League". You might want to take some lessons from Jay. I mean let's be real here.........He is a better writer than you. Maybe some day you'll be better. But you're not off to a great start. Just my 2 cents.........and I know that my 2 cents is only worth 2 cents.

Subject: [No subject]

From: Jarrod Scharber
To: Erik Malinowski

"chill enducing"......? christ...
its soccer man. a bunch of drunk idots signing a song at a sporting event.
that is not news. why must you cram this shtty soccer "news" down our throat?
fucking soccer.....

Jarrod M. Scharber, Esquire

Subject: Movie Reviews

From: Patrick Kimberlin
To: The Staff

Hey, you guys know people actually read your website right? And they read Leitch's movie reviews and may not know what a weird, sniveling little hipster he is. I think we should make Leitch list his top 5 favorite movies, and when people see an obscure Woody Allen movie from the early 80's, a french noir film, and the English Patient, they'll know what they're dealing with.

Subject: Good call, Nostradamus

From: Caleb Tidwell
To: Jack Dickey

Not even close

Dead Tweets