Throbbing Pipes And Pussy By The Can: Scenes From Laconia Bike Week

It is never truly silent during Laconia Bike Week. Even when you're far from the Finger Eleven or Nickelback songs playing at Weirs Beach (the heart of the event), or from the profanity dropping out of the mouths of bearded dudes with skin almost as leathery as the vests they're wearing, there is still that droning, guttural purr of motorcycle engines carving a radius around central New Hampshire. It goes on long into the night, and once you get used to it, a Harley engine becomes the white-noise equivalent of an oscillating fan while you sleep.

Laconia Bike Week consumes a large portion of New Hampshire for nine days every year. Traffic clogs the arteries of New Hampshire, a metaphor actualized by every middle-aged Bike Week attendee biting into another overpriced pulled pork sandwich. It's one of the country's major bike rallies—along with the ones held in Sturgis, Daytona, and Myrtle Beach—and it brings riders from all over (I saw motorcycle license plates from Quebec, Michigan, Florida, and Kansas, to name a few) to inhabit a state with nice summer areas and under 1.5 million residents. Bike Week is about showing off your motorcycle, and if you don't have a motorcycle to show off, any number of vendors will gladly give you a great deal. During the week, I took pictures of events, attendees, and more, all while getting a killer farmer's tan. Let's have a look, shall we?

For the whole week, I was hoping someone drunk or clumsy would fall into one of the bikes and create a disastrous domino effect. Sadly, it didn't happen.

Most Mid-Life Crisis Bike of the Week goes to the Harley with a set of golf clubs on the side.

Bike cops cruise around. Not pictured but also seen: Segway cops.

This guy was making out with his girl when I walked by them. Then, he started biting on her tit. This was on the first day in the afternoon.

The creator of this shirt just went for broke on the mottos. An admirable effort.

Oddly enough, no Boston sports decals on this bike.

I hope Sully saw this and flipped his shit.

Most interesting bike there. I was waiting for Bruce Campbell to jump on this and run over some reanimated skeletons.

I only noticed this ad because of how ridiculous it was. During my whole week there, I saw no one who looked like that. I guess there weren't many stock models casually hunched over their 1960s-era bikes at the Weirs.

There is a person who owns a motorcycle with a unicorn painted on it. This whole situation exists.

I traveled northwest to Canaan, New Hampshire, for a day to watch a hill climb, which involves people racing dirtbikes up a hill. It started out with regular dirtbikes but became more entertaining when they started using ones with nitromethane. The fastest time of the day was 4.66:02. As in: a little over four and a half seconds, to cover 350 feet.

It was even more entertaining when they started racing the nitromethane bikes two at a time, and three at a time for one race.

This dude was watching the hill climb, and he looked ready to party. In case you can't tell, the graphic on his t-shirt is two skeletons 69ing.

This guy was also at the hill climb. Earlier in the week, I had seen his shirt at a vendor's tent and wondered, "Who would ever buy that?" That guy did.

An energy drink called Pussy. Due to poor planning on my part, I used all my cash to get into the event, so I couldn't buy a can.

One of my goals during Bike Week was to interview a member of one of the one-percenter clubs. I tried a couple of Hells Angels chapters before I finally found someone, but I couldn't take a picture or use his real name. He said to call him "Mark." He was bald and had rings on all of his fingers. A transcript:

How many years have you been at Laconia Bike Week? 30.

What's the craziest thing you've seen? No comment.

What's the craziest thing you've seen that you could comment on? Just everyone having a good time.

What's your favorite part of Bike Week? Watching everyone have a good time. You make friends here, and you get to see your family once a year.

It was a pretty illuminating conversation.t

There are some who say that the current Hells Angels are coasting on their reputation—that they're a shell of their once-fearsome selves. I urge those people to find a member and let them know.

Christianity and motorcycles go together rather smoothly. A nearby church was giving out free coffee and holding AA meetings during the week for anyone who felt like attending. There were bikers parked in different spots on the boardwalk handing out Bibles and other reading material.

Do you like Oreos? Yeah? Do you like Oreos so much that you'd put decals on your bike about how it's America's Favorite Cookie? That's what I thought.

YOLO invades Bike Week.

A rather specific market.

I visited the East Coast Tattour for a day, which had booths of artists giving tattoos on the spot. I went on the second day, and there were about five people walking around while I was there. Apparently, it turned out to be a flop for all four days. The most awkward picture of the week is the one I took of Jake Noury and his booth. Jake told me the craziest tattoo he's done was a heart with a penis going through it. He gave that one to his then-girlfriend.

Not sure what kind of bike this is. Can anyone at Jalopnik help me out?

I tried to sell this picture of a guy who looks like Mike Holmgren to Deadspin for $5.19. No deal.

These two are from Vermont and camped out of their motorcycle trailer for the whole week. They had a coffee maker, fridge, beds, and booze, so, really, who could ask for anything more?

Almost every year, a couple bikers will die at Laconia Bike Week, mainly due to collisions. This year, four people were killed on the same day. Only one actually died in Laconia, and he died on Roller Coaster Road, pictured. I wasn't near the accident when it happened, but I visited the following day to try and figure out where it occurred. This was my best guess.

New Hampshire's state motto is "Live Free Or Die," and they stick to it. You aren't required to wear a helmet on a motorcycle in the state, which is appealing to many bikers of all age groups. New Hampshire's desire to exercise every part of your freedom overlaps well with the bikers who want to ride free or ride the open road. (I don't know if the victims were wearing helmets or not.)

Let's move away from that depressing subject and end with some happy pictures. This is Joe, from California. He was the nicest Viking ever.

Dogs At Bike Week, Part 1.

Dogs At Bike Week, Part 2.