LeBron James: World Champion Cocksucker

I know that last night was supposed to be LeBron James's face turn and that, while he warmly celebrates his first title with teammates and family, I'm supposed to see LeBron in a whole new light. Maybe he's not such a bad guy. Maybe this playoff run has brought out a depth of character heretofore unseen in James. Maybe he's cool now.

Nah, fuck all that. He's still a cocksucker.

One of the annoying things about being a sports fan is that you can see the canned narratives coming a mile away. And so after LeBron won his title, the REDEMPTION storyline that every sportswriter had auto-saved to Word came flying out. The AP:

Ripped and ridiculed for the way he announced he was leaving Cleveland and taking his talents to South Beach, it's all worth it now for James.

The New York Times:

At that moment, James was no longer the antihero of "The Decision."

SI.com:

For now, let them just enjoy the trophy they have, the smell of Champagne and beer and success. Let LeBron James have his moment with his closest friends — trophy in his hands, weight off his mind.

Even our beloved former weekend editor The Mighty MJD:

Am I a douche if I kind of like LeBron now? I don't know. Show me that kind of greatness and emotional strength, and I'm on board.

Oh, bullshit. There's never been any question that LeBron James is a great basketball player. And even when he was coming up short in the playoffs, haters like myself just used those failures as an easy excuse to pile on him further, because he's a dipshit and he deserved it. The fact that he's won a championship doesn't fundamentally alter his character in any way. That's the great con of sports: the idea that winners win because they have character and losers lose because they don't. If you think LeBron is a good guy now because he won a title, then you probably had no business thinking he was a bad guy to begin with, because the outcome of a sporting event says nothing about the person within.

LeBron's genuine joy last night may have been refreshing to some people, but I could find more than enough things to offset that. There was Stuart Scott, standing up there on the dais, trying desperately to contain himself from working LeBron's shaft. And there was Pat Riley SMILING! God, that's so fucking creepy. I don't want to live in a world where Pat Riley's smiling. It's like watching a male porn star smile right before fisting an 18-year-old. It's gross. There are no good intentions behind it. Look at what Riley said to Dan LeBatard:

One word to describe the last two years, Pat? "Harrowing," he says.

Oh, fuck you, Pat. You're a half-retired multimillionaire. You didn't spend the last two years in a fucking POW camp. Go to hell.

Remember: Michael Jordan had more than a few touching championship celebrations, and we now know that Jordan is, without question, a Grade A Flaming Red Asshole. Michael Jordan is the black Daniel Plainview. And there's no reason LeBron won't end up the same way. Once the game hit garbage time last night, he took off that stupid extra-wide headband he was using to hide his receding hairline. All his insecurities are gone now, which means he's probably gonna end up being an even BIGGER cocksucker than before. In fact, he's already offered proof. Look at this shit (via With Leather):

All that fan hate was helping to keep his worst qualities at bay, I tell you. I bet you LeBron James is buying into his own bullshit redemption storyline more than anyone else. "It's a great moment for myself," he said. Yes yes, it's all about YOU and your road to salvation, isn't it? YOU BIG SMILING PENIS. Don't ever ask me to be happy for that cocksucker. I hope Kevin Durant sprouts bat wings and wins the next 37 NBA titles.
Photo via Getty.