A Plush Bear Stuffed With Crap. Ted, Reviewed.Will Leitch6/26/12 4:15pmFiled to: Grierson & LeitchEmeritusMoviesThe projectorNewsReviewstedMark WahlbergMila KunisSeth MacFarlaneTed reviewReviewTopShut up, whiteyHonkybaiting1185EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalink1. Of the myriad problems with Ted, Seth MacFarlane's flaming, masturbating fart of a comedy, the biggest one is that the teddy bear at its center is neither cute nor funny. The movie thinks he's both. For the movie's promising central joke to work—that a boy's teddy bear comes to life and then grows up alongside him to be a rude south Boston fahhhhk yooooo mouth breather—you need there to be a legitimate cognitive dissonance between the bear and what he's saying, and you need to commit to the joke. (Bad Santa is funny because you're not supposed to like Bad Santa.) The bear exists in the universe of the movie for no other reason than the movie thinks it's funnier to have stale pop-culture riffs delivered from the mouth of an unconvincing CGI stuffed teddy bear—hey, guys, did you know that Jack and Jill is awful? Ted does! And he's not afraid to say it!—than from the mouth of a regular person. But the bear isn't even cute or inventively designed: He's just a damned bear. Ted never quite figures out what to do with the bear other than to turn him into Seth MacFarlane. The movie stopped thinking about its premise seconds after coming up with it.2. There's a prevalent, almost proud laziness to the humor of Ted, which is why complaining about its offensiveness is less "political correctness"—Seth MacFarlane does seem like the person who would use the term "political correctness" as a relevant pejorative in the year 2012—than the recognition of high-grade hackery. The Dictator, for example, is a movie that is far more "offensive" than Ted, but it wields its terrorism and rape jokes like a scalpel; Ted just drunkenly throws a dull axe through a window. I'm sure the film's repeated—repeated—gay jokes would work if there were some thought put into them beyond the "Jack-O and Sully banter" level, but the movie doesn't want to put in the work. It just wants to snigger. The jokes in Ted are equal-opportunity sluggish: The inoffensive ones are just as limp and tired as the offensive ones. This is the type of movie that flashes to a scene in 2008 at a dance club and has a character say, "Man, this Chris Brown, he can really do no wrong." Seriously, the movie really makes that joke. At one point, Ted says, "Hey, I do not sound like Peter Griffin." Yeah.