Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Rastafarian War (Real Hot Head Rasta)," brought to you by "Jamaican War heads." Tonight's commentator: Back for an unprecedented third video-review slot: Rodney Anonymous, he of the wonderful Dead Milkmen.
A Rasta fight? Really? I suppose next week we'll have footage of two Amish guys beating the beards off each other at a barn-raising? OK, let's put some dreadlocks in a headlock, and examine this Contest of Champions:
As with the majority of YouTube fisticuffs footage, we are denied even the slightest hint of back-story, but this bout of reefer madness is clearly the result of Apollo Weed making the fashion faux pas of combining camouflage pants with one of those ugly striped Sears Juniors' Department shirts that Michael Cera always seems to be wearing as he attempts to beak Woody Allen's record for playing the same freakin' character over-and-over again. The Kingston Flash clearly hates Michael Cera as much as we do, and since nobody who smokes pot ever develops glaucoma, nearly ever punch thrown finds its mark.
The video ends abruptly after Apollo Weed attempts to flee as the Flash gathers up some rocks; no doubt, he plans to quietly return home and repair a garden wall. None of the onlookers alert the authorities because, unfortunately, someone has recently shot the sheriff (but did they shoot the deputy?).
So, what can we learn from this Shantytown smackdown? Well, we now we know why no one ever heckled Bob Marley; apparently Rastas can be pretty badass when the need arises. Also, if ever there was an argument for the legalization of marijuana (scientific name "Chronicus Maximus"), this video is it. It's impossible to throw a punch if you've got a joint in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other.
Finally we all realized that that this fight was a million times better than any of the fights in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and that Michael Cera can bite us.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• And a horribly filmed battle on 10th St. somewhere complete which warranted inclusion thanks to a rousing USA! USA! USA! chant. (SoV, hard to tell)
• If you thought everything was cool in Kuwait, you thought wrong. Like, brawling school-house ice-cream vendors wrong. (SoV, 0:04)
• Of particular interest in this "FIGHT IN THE HOOD" look-in is the failed spin kick at the 1:47 mark; it's rare to see that sort of ingenuity in the heat of the street-fight moment. Also, the Mr. Softee truck jingle playing, that's magnificent too. (SoV, 0:19)
• A fisticuffin' Russian. His ladyfriend whose beachwear resembles Fredrica Bimmel's naughty-musicbox ensemble. Scrawny opponent in mid-calf high waters. A flipped raft that resembles a whale beaching. Go. (SoV, 0:16). Bonus coverage: "1 Чеченец разогнал стадо русских овец)))"
• Pool-party attendees gone wild. (SoV, 0:06)
• Your Bare Ass Meets White Car Near A Drive Thru Intermission:
• Two girls, one camera, a bunch of guys just watching them rough one another up. (SoV, 0:55)
• And now, the weekly Philadelphia street-fight update: Presenting "Ass whoopin in Philly pt. 1 (pt. 2 was taken down)." Bonus Coverage: "Here's Video Of Three Philly Cops Totally Taking Some Guy Down At K&A." Bonus Coverage 2: "Random Females Fighting."
• In "Black Karate Woman Kicks White Ass," a black woman employs karate footwork to defeat a white foe. (SoV, 0:03)
• Hear ye, hear ye, here's "GHETTO BRAWL - SKINNY BLACK CHICK VS CHUBBY BLACK CHICK," ye. (SoV, 0:05)
• Your "Ground and Pound; If You Want It, Get It, Justin Bieber Shit" Interlude:
• A gent in jorts, sneakers and hiked-up dark socks does battle. Ends as one would expect. (SoV, instantly)
• The most charming part about this battle between Toya.G and Bre isn't the post-apocalyptic setting; it's how one foe opens the driver's door of a vehicle, hits the unlock button and opens the rear driver's-side door in a concerted effort to get things poppin' off. (SoV, 1:00)
• Here, some ladies choose to work out their issues at a London nightclub via fisticular means rather than words. (SoV, 0:16)
• Remember that scene in Point Break where Utah gets roughed up by Kiedis and Warchild until Bodhi arrives to save the day? This is like that, but in place of Utah, Bohdi, Kiedis, Warchild et al, it's just two kids fighting on the beach. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Macaque Vs. Ratdog Interlude:
• This one isn't so much the "Crazy ass street fight" as which it's fashioned as it is some dude with a nice watch but wearing dark socks with sandals getting the ever-living shit beaten out of him. (SoV, instantly)
• The deltaboy84's "girlfriend saw these two getto whitetrash guys getting into a weak ass fight today!! one guy loses his pant!! so funny and pathetic!!" (SoV, instantly)
• "'This guy's like a ninja, man. Holy s—t!' the man filming the police encounter is heard saying in the video clip. 'That guy's strong, he's got to be on something,' the man adds." (SoV, 0:25)
• Introducing "Werry Hard Fight" in which two barefoot, foreign combatants fight werry hard. (SoV, 0:08)
• Well allow him to retort. (SoV, never)
• Others: "PAWN STARS FIGHT CAUGHT ON TAPE HOLLYWOOD CA." "Girls Fighting Over Dog Shit." "Fight: Roger Vs Claudinho." "Dude From Waco Texas Gets KTFO." "Street fight on Mars." "Racist fight in burgerking." "Street Artist Attacks Viewer Amsterdam Audience With a Whip." "Bully gets knocked the FUCK OUT !" "GHETTO BRAWL - SKINNY BLACK CHICK VS CHUBBY BLACK CHICK." "Fight at the Corner Pocket in Beltsville M.D." "Bare knuckle spar." "Here you go." "STREET FIGHT HOOVER VS PAISA." "Cheetahs Gentlemens' Club Underground Stripper Cage Fight UFC style 1 07/03/2012." "Street Fight." "FIGHT Santa clarita." "Hood fight." "Fist Fight at the Store!!" "wog vs kiwi." "Kid asked for it and gets knocked the FUCK OUT."
• This Will Change The Way You Look At Life Itself Coda: