Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. John Elway Sideline Horseface. Last season marked one of the very few times that a sideline shot of a team executive was actually warranted, because nothing was more enjoyable than watching Tim Tebow pull game after game out of his ass and then see John Elway over on the sidelines, looking like a foiled supervillain. But now that Elway has masterfully run Godboy out of town, we're still gonna get 50 sideline shots of his big horsey mouth every game. Seriously, his teeth are huge and terrifying. He could bite an eggplant in half with that big disgusting horsemouth of his. Remember when Dikembe Mutombo was playing for the Nuggets, and they had Elway come out on the court and scream, "LET'S GET READY TO MUTOMBO!!!!!" and he did so like a roided-up nutcase? That was awful.
I don't need to watch John Elway clapping every time Peyton Manning hits a receiver on a 10-yard out. That will grow very old, very quickly. Elway and Manning are two of the most annoying players in NFL history, and I already know EXACTLY what Jon Gruden is gonna say about these two men joining forces: "Now THESE GUYS know a little something about playing the quarterback position." I've already heard plenty about how Peyton was drawn to Elway because they both have the heart of the champion, or some other horrible bullshit like that. I don't want a full season of it.
2. Let's talk about Fetushead's fetusneck. The worst-case scenario for Peyton Manning is that he spends all preseason telling everyone he's never felt better and reporters believe it (this will happen), and then he'll go re-injure his neck in Week 3 and never play football again. Actually, that's not the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that he gets kidnapped by drug lords and has his penis severed. But the SECOND worst-case scenario is that his neck gets re-fucked. Take it from someone who knows from spinal injuries: All it takes is one false move for Manning's fused neck to collapse again. It doesn't even have to be a big hit. He could slip another disk just by turning that big fat head of his. I strongly advise all Broncos haters to scream, "HEY ASSHOLE" at Peyton any time he walks down the street, so that he does a double-take and risks ending his career.
3. It won't be long until you remember why you hated Manning to begin with. Like you, I've had warm feelings toward Manning lately because he helped Elway troll Tebow. But soon he'll take the field again, and I'll remember why I rooted against him every time he played for the Colts. All that needless jittering in the pocket. All the violent overpraising from the analysts. All the goofy sulking he does after tossing a pick that he believes wasn't his fault. Peyton Manning the person is immensely likeable. Peyton Manning the football player is abhorrent. If we're lucky, he'll revert to 2010 form and once again be just great enough to lose at home in the divisional round. BOOSH! I hope you Broncos fans enjoy two to three years of going 11-5 before having to start all over again.
4. Who's Manning gonna throw to? Because Demaryius Thomas only knows how to run in a straight line. I'm sure Manning will transform Eric Decker into his patented "gritty white receiver everyone hates," the guy who catches passes exclusively on third and long and makes you wanna put your fist through a puppy's forehead. But the other wideouts are brutal, and new TE Joel Dreessen specializes in hoarding E's and S's and having big games ONLY when he resides on the fantasy football waiver wire. The second you pick him up, he puts a fucking bagel on the board. Fuck Joel Dreessssssseen. Fuck him hard. Oh, and they have Jacob Tamme. Fucking Jacob Tamme.
5. If you cut off Elvis Dumervil, he will threaten to shoot you.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.