Greetings, Olympic fanboys! Or should I say ... TOP OF THE OLYMPICS TO YE?!! The London Olympics are here at long last, and I think we're all excited for 16 days of corrupt amateur sports, monumentally wasteful publicly funded infrastructure, and totalitarian branding guidelines. Also, I'm told there will be gratuitous shots of the Middleton sisters. So let's pack up our kit (that's what people in England say instead of "clothes"), put some salad on our sandwiches (that's what people in England say instead of "lettuce"), and wash down a pint (that's what people in England say instead of "bukkake session"). It's time for us to spend an afternoon saying hateful, vile, repugnant things about these Olympics, because the Olympics are bullshit.
But before we start, a few words about the English. I spent some time in England when I was in college because I am part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and that special relationship is special to me. However, there are many horrifying things I learned about British people when I was over there, and you Olympic viewers ought to know about them before you get in too deep:
• British women have awful taste in men. You'll walk down the streets of London, and you'll see some smoking hot lady strolling arm-in-arm with an albino chipmunk and you'll be like, "How is that possible?" And the answer is that years of living in the UK have brainwashed English women into thinking that having translucent skin and black teeth is a hot look.
• British people like mayonnaise wayyyyy too much. For an anti-mayo activist like me, England is hell on Earth. You order a sandwich, and the clerk hands you a gallon drum of mayo with two pieces of burnt toast at the bottom. It's revolting. I've told this story before, but I'll tell it again: One time, I saw a British dude dump half a jar of mayo onto his spaghetti. I almost beheaded him on the spot.
• British people hate white socks. If you wear white socks in England, you'll get made fun of, which is funny because any sane country deems rainbow wool socks paired with white tennis shoes to be a fucking WAR CRIME.
• Some British rednecks will still give you shit about the Revolutionary War. I was in a pub once (they close at 11 p.m. because British people can't hold their liquor), and this drunken chav (Did I use that term correctly? JUST KIDDING I DON'T GIVE A FUCK) starts yelling at me about how the U.S. needed France's help to drive the British out of America. And I was like, "FUCK YOU! Wait, is that true? FUCK YOU ANYWAY!" So don't expect every British person you meet at the Olympics to be charming like in one of those Richard Curtis movies. Most of them are filthy drunks who sound like a Monty Python Gumby sketch when they talk.
And worst of all, British people were stupid enough to let the Olympics into town. These Olympics cost the city of London in excess of $14.5 billion dollars. And with the European continent currently in the grips of an economic depression the likes of which we have never seen, I question the wisdom of people who would spend $150 million on a fucking velodrome. The IOC is full of freeloading, vampiric maid-pinchers who use the guise of Olympic spirit to siphon off billions of dollars from any town dumb enough to still believe in the idea of civic pride. It's London. It's one of the great cities of the world. It doesn't need the Olympics to thrive. If anything, the Olympics are RUINING London. They would have been much better off spending a fraction of that money to lure a Five Guys franchise to Trafalgar Square. Dumbfucks.
Because what do you really get when you're paying for an Olympics? You're basically paying for a two-week gymnastics meet, with the occasional half-assed pro basketball game and five-second swimming race or 100-meter dash thrown in for good measure. The rest of it is DOGSHIT. The rest of the Olympics is a bunch of lame sports that people participate in when they have lots of money and know they can't excel at REAL sports. In fact, let's go through every Summer Olypmic event and say terrible things about each of them. As always, I know very little about any of these sports or any of the athletes involved, unless the athletes involved are attractive and have posed nude in the past. The key to any good Hater's Guide is a healthy dose of ignorance. And, for this Hater's Guide, I'm throwing in just a dash of nationalistic xenophobia for the hell of it.
THE OPENING CEREMONIES. Oh look! People walking! FOR THREE HOURS. Boy, that gets my dick hard. The best part is when one country walks out wearing silly hats! The opening ceremonies are basically a three-hour episode of Project Runway, only there isn't a bitchy gay judge there to explain why the Qatari dresses lack cohesion. The opening ceremonies also serve as a dumbed-down "Let's Go" guide for tubby American Midwesterners who are never gonna travel abroad. Those are the kind of people Matt Lauer is trying to reach when he throws out facts about Ecuador's rich deposits of iron ore. You won't even be able to watch this shit LIVE because NBC said they were gonna stream everything live online and then admitted they are fucking liars.
DIVING. Why are you divers so eager to get out of the water so quickly? Are you fucking allergic to it? You spend half a second in the pool before rushing to your precious chamois. Why are so attached to it? It's just a piece of fabric. Was it woven from your grandmother's death mask or something?
WEIGHT LIFTING. No one cares which neckless roidmonkey from Turkey ends up winning the gold. The only reason anyone watches weightlifting is because they're waiting for some poor bastard to snap his humerus in eight places while trying to clean and jerk a bar with 30 plates on each side.
TABLE TENNIS. I can't even see the ball. For all I know, you people are just staging an elaborate pantomime routine in order to justify your Olympic status. It's bullshit. You are a rec room game for premature ejaculators and you deserve to be part of some other, less prestigious suite of sporting events, like the Delta Tau Homecoming Olympics and Rape Social.
BASKETBALL. I'm not gonna support any team that has Coach K and his fucking rat face as its leader. Late at night, Coach K joins with IOC members to don goat leggings, slurp blood wine, and slaughter virgin sex slaves. And you can't tell me any different.
(NOTE: If you really want to enhance your hipster cred, be sure to pick a favorite Olympic basketball team other than the U.S., and then explain to your friends that you're rooting for that team because you favor its style of play, and not because you're a contrarian dipshit.)
BEACH VOLLEYBALL. We have Internet porn now. I don't need this anymore.
EQUESTRIAN. The horse is doing all the fucking work! Do you realize that horses don't get medals for equestrian events? Only the jockey gets the medal. THAT IS CRAP. The fuck did you do, Mrs. Romney? Apart from straddle Rafalca and get your pussy damp? You want a gold medal for that? Eat shit and die.
SAILING. Sailing is for assholes. Not only is it a pastime of revoltingly rich people who summer in Newport, but people who sail also have a retro fetish akin to people who still use typewriters. We have motorized water transport now. Stop playing Master & Commander and bragging about how many fancy cleat knots you can tie. Use a speedboat like normal people.
HANDBALL. This is a "Best of Handball" video I found on YouTube:
Seriously? That's the BEST your sport has to offer? No amount of slo-mo or Prodigy playing in the background is gonna distract me from the fact that your little game of basketsoccer is about as exhilarating as watching an old man finger himself.
ROWING. Rowing is the sport you play if you go to Harvard and you aren't athletic enough to play other sports. And the worst part is that rowers refuse to acknowledge this. Rowers TOTALLY think they're badasses. They'll show their calluses to any random stranger walking by. "Look at how hard I rowed!" They'll commission paintings of their scull gliding through the water. They'll happily tell you about the many hours they logged on the erg. FUCK YOUR ERG. Your erg is worthless to me.
WRESTLING. Let's all just admit that pro wrestling is vastly superior. Watch amateur wrestling for three minutes and you'll quickly understand why. Pro wrestlers know full well that you don't want to watch one guy try and give another guy a reacharound for three straight minutes.
WATER POLO. Total asshole sport. AND it's unwatchable. Throw a 3-year-old in the pool and you get roughly the same viewing experience. Lots of splashing.
VOLLEYBALL. You're not playing on a beach? Go to hell.
SOCCER. You people on Twitter need to shut the fuck up about soccer. On random mornings, I'll go to check the news and instead of a nice variety of stories on my feed, it's just 30 assholes posting COME ON YOU BLUES! or some other dipshit soccer live tweet that is completely lost on me. I want a SOCCERBLOCK feature on Twitter, so that I can eliminate all soccer-related tweets from otherwise reasonable people. And didn't they just have a big international soccer tourney? I feel like they stage one of these things every three weeks. Even Yom Kippur doesn't happen this often. Enough. Fuck off with soccer for a while. I have preseason football to watch.
CYCLING. Why would anyone watch cycling when they know the results will be invalidated by a blood test two days later? They should change the name of the sport to LITIGATION. By the way, you ever watch a cycling sprint? It makes no sense.
What are you assholes doing? PEDAL FASTER.
TENNIS. Oh, will this be anything like the Davis Cup? Because no one gives a shit about the Davis Cup. I don't even think the Davis Cup is a real competition. I think they just label certain random tournaments in Bern as Davis Cup events so that ESPN will show three seconds of it.
TAEKWONDO/JUDO. I will never understand why supposedly badass martial arts like judo and taekwondo attract the least badass members of the human population. Have you ever been to a karate studio? It's like attending fucking DragonCon. Everything smells funny and all the nerds there are dressed in ridiculous outfits. Ooooh, lookin' real tough with that yellow belt, Eugene. Why don't show me some moves while I run over you with my car? CARS > BLACK BELTS.
Also, any time you walk into a martial arts studio, the first thing the teacher tells you is that karate is meant for peace and that you should never use it to attack people, which is pathetic. I came to your studio because I want to roundhouse kick anyone who exceeds the express-lane item count at the supermarket. Fuck your defensive mindset. I WANT TO ATTACK.
BADMINTON. If it's the kind of sport that people play while shitfaced, waiting for Dad to finish grilling the steaks, it's not a real sport. I eagerly await the IOC's decision to approve plastic horseshoes as a sport in 2016.
CANOEING/KAYAKING. Christ, how many of these sports are there? You can't just throw every goddamn leisure activity into this thing. I'm shocked they leave any sports OUT of the Olympics. Anyway, fuck kayaking. There's always some smarmy asshole at the beach or the local park who comes driving up with a goddamn kayak on top of his Wrangler. We get it, asshole. You're active. Why don't you just give YOURSELF a medal?
FIELD HOCKEY. Did you know this is also a men's event? WHERE ARE YOUR PLAID SKIRTS, GUYS?
BOXING. It's borderline criminal that a sport as violent and ruthless as boxing is so often decided by a gang of corrupt South Korean judges who happily ignore Compubox stats in favor of declaring their preferred political ally the victor. Soccer has shootouts. Why doesn't boxing have punch-outs? At the end of 12 rounds, each boxer gets a free shot at the other's face. First one to drop, loses. (Or dies. They'd probably die). Sport: IMPROVED.
PENTATHLON. Here's an event that takes nostalgia way too far. I think it's very cute that they've grouped shooting, swimming, equestrian, running, and fencing all into one event meant to emulate the skills needed of a 19th century soldier. But that shouldn't be an Olympic sport. That should be a casting session for War Horse 2: Joey's Revenge. If we based every Olympic event on Olde Timey bullshit like this, we'd still have Competitive Ballooning and Irish Slave-Fighting as sanctioned events. Actually, let's give the latter a shot.
TRIATHLON. Oh, God. These fucking overachievers. You know what? Just run. Everyone is already DAZZLED by your long-distance running habit already. Adding swimming and biking to the mix is just obnoxious. I can see your bone marrow sticking out of your body. You're fit enough. Go buy a fucking kayak and steer it off a waterfall.
SHOOTING. Too soon.
ARCHERY. Bow hunters are the hipster typewriter-users of the hunting set. We have guns now. They work. Quit trying to pretend you're Robin of Locksley with your fucking camouflage bow and your foam hat that's been strategically soaked in deer piss. Use a rifle and be done with it.
FENCING. You're not fooling anyone, fencers. I know you want everyone to think you're Inigo Montoya.
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING: "I'm not a STRONG swimmer."
SWIMMING: I swear to God, swimming exists only so SI photographers can take fancypants underwater shots that end up in the front of the magazine. And of course Michael Phelps won eight medals. There are 900 fucking races you can race in. An Olympic marathoner trains his whole life just to win ONE stupid medal. And here comes Eli Manning's douchebag twin racking up Wheaties boxes just because there are separate medals for freestyle at the 50m, 100m, 115m, 135.5m, 203.66m, and 500m lengths. It's bullshit. If you win the most races, then you should get ONE medal for winning the most races. And then you should go play a real sport.
GYMNASTICS. There are an awful lot of people who question the morality of watching football when football is so harmful to its participants. But those same naysayers will happily turn around and watch Olympic gymnastics knowing full well that the sport is essentially sanctioned child abuse. Teenagers were not meant to stop growing at 36 inches and go flying off of fucking vaults in order to please some lunatic Ukranian coach they have no relation to. That's unnatural and weird and gross. And yet, this sport is allowed to continue.
Also, remember when John Tesh did the commentary for this sport? Did you know that Tesh used to bring out gymnasts to perform routines at his concerts?
It's raining outside, Tesh! Those people could break their ankles doing that shit!
TRACK & FIELD. There's only one good track & field and that's Konami Track & Field. Real track & field is a drugged-up freakshow.
CLOSING CEREMONIES. Ah, the final insult, coming long after everyone is sick to death of the Olympics and Bob Costas and all of NBC's flowery bullshit. Enjoy those closing ceremonies, London. For after your 16 days in the limelight, there is nothing left but years and years of crippling debt and crumbling facilities. JOLLY GOOD! Or whatever the hell you pasty limey bastards say. MAKE MORE BOND MOVIES!