Greetings, Olympic fanboys! Or should I say ... TOP OF THE OLYMPICS TO YE?!! The London Olympics are here at long last, and I think we're all excited for 16 days of corrupt amateur sports, monumentally wasteful publicly funded infrastructure, and totalitarian branding guidelines. Also, I'm told there will be gratuitous shots of the Middleton sisters. So let's pack up our kit (that's what people in England say instead of "clothes"), put some salad on our sandwiches (that's what people in England say instead of "lettuce"), and wash down a pint (that's what people in England say instead of "bukkake session"). It's time for us to spend an afternoon saying hateful, vile, repugnant things about these Olympics, because the Olympics are bullshit.
But before we start, a few words about the English. I spent some time in England when I was in college because I am part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and that special relationship is special to me. However, there are many horrifying things I learned about British people when I was over there, and you Olympic viewers ought to know about them before you get in too deep: