Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Houston Texans

Some people are fans of the Houston Texans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Houston Texans. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. The back-up plan. I would argue the Texans were the best team in the AFC last season right up until the moment when Matt Schaub got hurt. And then, suddenly, the only exciting season in Texans history—the one goddamn time this team was mildly relevant—was destroyed. They had to sign Jake fucking Delhomme, they were so bereft at the position.

So you would think that the Texans would wisen up after such a disastrous turn of events, that they would go out and find themselves a decent backup QB, like Vince Young, or The Neckbeard, or ANYONE who could help them keep things together should Schaub get hurt again (Schaub has played a full season only twice in the past five seasons). Instead, they brought in wonderturd John Beck to shore up the position. That's the kind of creative personnel move you get from a team that chose to name itself the Texans. Jesus Christ.

While I'm a hater through and through, I will not enjoy watching this team dominate for the first three months of the season only to get derailed thanks to shitty front-office planning. This is the AFC. Half the playoff teams in the AFC last season were utter dogshit. The conference needs all the watchable teams it can get. But noooooo, the Texans had to go banking on Little Matty Bustyankle to stay upright for 16 games despite overwhelming evidence against that possibility. Idiots.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.

2. You can't hide Gary Kubiak for that long. Kubes may have looked mildly competent during the Texans' playoff run last season, but you and I aren't so easily fooled. We both know that the odds of Kubiak competently managing a team for two straight seasons are impossibly remote, not unlike being struck by lightning twice, or Jason Whitlock stringing together two coherent sentences in a row. That shit just doesn't happen. At some point this season, all the Dep hair gel Kubiak borrowed from Nick Saban will leach into his brain and cause him to challenge a three-yard completion in the third quarter. It WILL happen.

3. Hey, where the hell did everyone go? There's no decent second wideout now that Jacoby Jones is gone, and that's bad because Andre Johnson has a nasty habit of missing five games every goddamn season (Dooming every smarmy asshole who thinks he's a contrarian genius by drafting Johnson in the latter portion of the first round of his fantasy draft). DeMeco Ryans is gone. Mario Williams is gone (although likely not missed). JJ Watt has an elbow injury. The right side of the offensive line is also gone. HOLY SHIT THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE LINE IS GONE! And you signed John Beck! GAHHHHHHHHH!!! This could easily all fall apart, with Beck as the starting QB in Week 12 throwing to No. 1 wideout Kevin Walter. And that will end the Texans' last chance to win the AFC South before Andrew Luck explodes in 2013 and lays waste to the division for 15 straight years. Your future is rotten and miserable and horrible, and just as barren of triumphant moments as the first nine years of your existence. This Schaub-Johnson-Foster stretch will soon be nothing more than a blip in your otherwise forgettable history. In the long run, the Texans will ALWAYS be the B-team in their own state, constantly begging to be noticed while the Cowboys effortlessly suck the air out of the room.

4. This is not a real division. What does it really mean to win a division this shitty? Check out the Colts' recent playoff failures if you'd like a good idea of just how poorly this GAUNTLET OF A DIVISION prepares you for playing actual teams in January. The Texans can probably still win this division playing T.J. Yates at QB and a pair Roombas blocking on the right side of the line. But once they have to play Baltimore again? KUBIAK CRANIAL DIARRHEA ATTACK.

5. Hear it from Texans fans!

Steven:

I am absolutely dreading the coming year and for one reason: expectations. There are the typical "I can't wait for my team to fail on national television" nightmares, as well as the "We are going to win one playoff game and lose to the Patriots" nightmares as well. ON TOP OF THAT, not only do we have to have to listen to the dipshit talking heads like Stephen A. Smith pick us as their darkhorse this year, but enough was made out of our first-ever playoff victory last year that the city is actually starting to believe them. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for some positive team spirit, but now I have to listen to some dumbfuck clueless 23-year-old waitress talking about how pumped she is for the upcoming season because her drug-dealer boyfriend bought her an Arian Foster jersey. I should not be subjected to this torture when I have been following this team for the past 10 years.

Jesus:

Why do the Texans suck in 2012? That's just it, they don't, FOR ONCE IN THIS TEAM'S MISERABLE MEAGRE EXISTENCE. THE SECONDARY, LACK OF WIDE RECEIVER DEPTH, AND O-LINE CHURN ARE THE ONLY REAL FLAWS, AND AT LEAST TWENTY OTHER TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE WOULD KILL THEIR MOTHER'S YAPPY LITTLE SHIT-EYED DOGS FOR THAT. THEY'RE GOOD, GODDAMNIT, AND NO ONE IN THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF HARRIS COUNTY, TEXAS GIVES A FLYING RAT'S ASS FUCK. MATT SCHAUB COULD THROW FOR 60,000 YARDS, BRIAN CUSHING COULD SNAP PEYTON MANNING'S BIRDY LITTLE NECK WHILE SHOTGUNNING A CAN OF 'ROIDS, AND ARIAN FOSTER COULD WRITE "THE BGHAVAD GITA V. 2.0 - ELECTRIC GODDAMN BOOGALOO" WHILE SCORING 18 TDs A WEEK AND MAYBE THEN WE'D RATE A COLUMN INCH OR THREE.

That, good sir, is what sucks about the Houston Texans in 2012.

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