Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. Chris Johnson, you are fat and shitty. Every running back who has ever lived should find an airtight rubber box, take a shit into it, and ship that box to either Chris Johnson or Marshawn Lynch. Between those two idiots, no rational GM will ever hand a starting running back $30 million guaranteed again. Cop Speed scored one-third as many touchdowns in 2011 as he did in 2010. His YPC dropped to 4.0 (after a high of 5.6 during his amazing 2009 season). Not once did he do that thing where he takes a little swing pass and then hits the NITRO button and then houses that shit from 70 yards out. Now he's fat and slow and horrible. YOU HEAR ME, CJ2K?! You're the fattest man alive. No woman who makes love to your slovenly body will ever be able to look her pussy in the eye again. There are lost Hot Pockets tucked away in your massive ass folds. The magnetic pull of your hefty gut is the only thing keeping the rising seas from encroaching on the Eastern Seaboard. YOU DISGUST ME.
2. Jake Locker is the white Donovan McNabb. Assuming Locker beats out disabled 56-year-old amputee Matt Hasselbeck for the starting job, I think you Titans fans can look forward to a full year of Locker barely completing half his throws, pulling a game or two out of his ass, and listening to Herm Edwards tell you, "This kid is just a winner." That's what you say about a quarterback who leads his team to a 7-9 record with a deceptively decent passer rating. Whatever passes Locker DOES happen to deliver within catching range (he recently completed just 35.4 percent of his passes over two days of practice) will be summarily dropped by Nate Washington and Jared Cook anyway.
3. Kenny Britt likes destroying your fantasy team. I assume that Kenny Britt will miss at least six games this season due to various injuries and vehicular assaults. But in those 10 games he will play, it's a virtual certainty that one of them will be a 240-yard, 3-touchdown masterpiece that just happens to come against YOU. That's the kind of player Kenny Britt is. You spend your Sunday watching your fantasy team do well, you see your starting running back run for over 100 yards, you see your starting QB throw for two touchdowns, and you think, "Boy, I have a reasonable chance of winning this week!" Then you go to check the scoreboard and it turns out that the other guy has The Kenny Britt Show, and that Britt outscored your team by 40 points on his own. Then, the second you trade for him, he gets DUI'ed. Fucking Kenny Britt.
4. This is a pathologically uninteresting team. You have to work extra hard to be the most colorless team in the AFC South, but here we are. The fact that Mike Munchak nearly ditched this team to coach a disgraced Penn State program tells you something about how lively the Titans are. But at least Munchak forces his players to wear blazers, and Peter King thinks that's a winning strategy. Oh, and Kamerion Wimbley was on American Ninja Warrior once, which is an awesome show to watch with a six-year-old. It's like MXC, only deadly serious.
Apart from that, the team added the corpse of Steve Hutchinson to protect Locker (he will not succeed), lost scrappy Irishman Cortland Finnegan to free agency, and will spend the 2012 season starting out 0-4 (first four opponents are NE, SD, DET, and HOU) and then trying desperately to right themselves for the next three months. And the worst part is that Gus Johnson isn't around anymore to artificially make Titans games seem more interesting than they really are. This team desperately needs Bud Adams to go ahead and die so that they can begin to carve out an identity for themselves.
5. Hear it from Titans fans!
The owner, Bud Adams, has now become the old, crotchety grandfather you never want to go visit because he will either cuss you out or soil himself. He has had several people interested in buying the team, but he keeps holding on to it like his last breath. For fuck sakes, one of the richest families in Tennessee got tired of waiting on him to sell so they went and bought the fucking Browns! They wanted to buy an NFL team so bad, they bought that dumpster fire. No telling what Adams could have got for the team, but no, we are left with more years of garbage. If it weren't for Blaine Gabbert in the division, they wouldn't win a game this year.
Peyton Manning turned down more money and the chance to retire a god in Tennessee (and a job for life) because he didn't want to play for Bud. Who would want to play for this guy, who's famous for ditching Houston (no crime there) and flipping off opposing teams? And the senile old man made the team draft Vince Young when Jay Cutler was playing in town at Vandy and all the fans wanted him.
Our best wide receiver just got a DUI for driving to Fort Campbell. Again, he got a DUI on a military base. We don't know if he was trying to enlist at 3:30 a.m. or didn't know where he was. It was one of many police incidents that is scaring a fan base still scarred by Pacman.
Our best RB got paid and promptly sucked. And no one ever talks about the elephant in the room—his constant head jerking. I heard it may be Tourette's, which is great for him for overcoming, but is it really such a good idea to invest so much money into him? Also, his Twitter posts are incoherent.
We have no pass rush, nada, nil.
We franchised and paid big money to a safety who was terrible the last two years because we were afraid he'd leave or play uninspired. That's the definition of an abusive relationship.
We plucked our offensive coordinator from the Hartford Colonials. Who are the Hartford Colonials, you might ask? They're the defunct chowder franchise of the UFL, a team that went 3-5 under the leadership of Chris Palmer, the Titans' current offensive coordinator. You may not know a lot about Chris Palmer, so let me briefly summarize his qualifications/deficiencies/whatever. He hasn't been a successful offensive coordinator since 1997. As head coach of the Cleveland Browns in 1999-2000, he led the Browns to a 5-27 record. He was the offensive coordinator of the Texans' gloriously awful offense from 2002-2005. More recently (like last year), he threw away Mike Heimdinger's playbook and refused to run counter plays that were so successful for Chris Johnson over the previous three years. He's partly to blame for our ridiculously shitty run offense in 2011. RIP Mike H.
Us sane Titans fans have given up on the immediate future. The quicker you start Jake Locker, the quicker you'll draft a new quarterback and build our future. It's time to start Jake Locker.
Have you seen our receivers? How many options at the 3-slot does one team need?
Having been a fan of this team since they moved to Tennessee this is how their 2012 season will play out. Hasselbeck will win the starting job before getting killed in the murderers stretch of the first part of the schedule. Fans will demand Locker as he gets the starting job and then they will go on a tear. CJ2k will look like the 2,000 yard back he was, Britt will start putting up video game numbers in spite of the Ginger Hammer and having glass knees, and they will look like a playoff team. They will control their own destiny and then lose in agonizing fashion (like last year's loss to the winless Colts which knocked them out of contention). The only question is do they do it in week 15 as Tebow leads a come from behind win on Monday Night Football while throwing 3 passes? Or does Gabbert throw a pass with his eyes closed for a game winning touchdown in week 17? Either way I'm already setting myself up for it.
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