Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New Orleans SaintsS

Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. "Is you taking notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy?" Even though this is the Internet and even though column space on the Internet can scroll on forever, there STILL isn't enough room here to express how badly the Saints buttfucked their way through this entire offseason. It's one thing to have a super-top-secret bounty program in place for years and years and years (despite the fact that players come and go to other teams regularly and can blab about it at any time). It's another thing to put that program IN WRITING, to have your begunted nutjob of a defensive coordinator codify your bounty program into a series of slides that make the average Tripod site look current. How fucking stupid do you have to be to let this go on? Don't you know that the Ginger Hammer is just waiting to wipe his freckled scrotum all over anyone who dares cause the world to notice that football is a violent sport? IDIOTS.

And the best part about all this is that the Saints doubled down on the stupid and handed the interim head coaching job to a guy who is himself serving a six-game suspension. Then they got into a contract squabble with Drew Brees, who is only the most important player the franchise has ever had and probably will ever have. It's as if, in January, the Saints looked at themselves and were like, "Jesus, we've gotten wayyy too functional and successful. THAT'S NOT WHAT THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS ARE ALL ABOUT GUMBO ANDOUILLE SAUSAGE!" And then they spent next few weeks cramming in as many bad decisions as they could so that they could reclaim their identity as the most incompetent team in football. Unfuckingbelievable. This will be the most senseless 9-7 season in NFL history. Also, Drew Brees is going bald.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.

2. DURRR I'M A SAINTS FANS GUMBO GUMBO CRAWDAD GUMBO. I always like to goof on friends I know from NOLA for continually thrusting their Cajunness upon everyone, but they're not alone among New Orleans natives (and transplants for that matter) who spend every goddamn waking hour telling you how much more special their culture is than yours. Well, I have been in the crowd with Saints fans before, and I can tell you that they are SHIT. They're the worst fucking fans in football. They can't handle their booze. All of them are way too fucking loud. Teeth are optional among them. Most of them are virulently racist. And none of them knows a goddamn thing about football. You'll be standing there trying to watch a game like a normal person and some Saints fan 20 rows back will somehow yell loud enough to be heard over every other element around you, screaming, "BOY ITELLYA SEAN PAYTON HOOBOY BEST DEFENSIVE COACH EVER GUMBO KATRINA DIRTY RICE." One day, I'm gonna go to New Orleans and I'm gonna take photos of everything in that city that is wholly unremarkable. Some shitty gas station. A townhouse. Any bar that isn't outfitted like a fucking voodoo museum. A Gap. Then I'm gonna make a Tumblr site called "NEW ORLEANS: YOU FUCKERS AREN'T THAT SPECIAL." And it will make me happy. OTHER CITIES ALSO MAKE GOOD FRIED CHICKEN, YOU PROVINCIAL PUTZES.

3. Mark Ingram: Kinda shitty! Every carry Ingram got last season was more or less out of obligation, as if Sean Payton were saying: "Christ, we can't throw the ball and run Sproles every play, can we? We have to give the draft pick SOME carries." If you're expecting Ingram to suddenly become a beast this season, you are sorely mistaken. The Saints are the kind of team that throws four times after getting 1st-and-inches at the goal line, then finally converts on the fourth attempt. I can't tell you how annoying it is to own a running back in fantasy who is so clearly the token ninth option on a fantastic offense.

4. Holy shit, this defense. No Tracy Porter. No Jonathan Vilma for a year. No Will Smith for four games. Bear in mind that this is the same defense that allowed Alex Smith to throw for two touchdowns in the final 2:18 of last season's divisional playoff loss. And now it's somehow even worse. The season hasn't even started yet and Vernon Davis has already caught 500 yards worth of passes against it. GOOD THING MY MAWMAW MADE THIS HERE BLACKENED GUMBOLAYA HOOWEE SOMEBODY GIT ME A WASHBOARD AND A SPOON SO WE CAN HAVE A BOUCHERIE. Whatever. Eat shit.

5. Hear it from Saints fans!

Sean:

We won the Super Bowl two seasons ago, we have a record-breaking offense that puts up points like a Tecmo Super Bowl team, we have Drew Brees (a truly likable guy-the Anti-Roethlisberger) as our franchise player, and we have one of the best home-field advantages in the league. So of all the teams in the NFL, you'd think the Saints would be a fun team to root for. They are not.

Over the last two years our head coach has revealed himself to be a major asshole. And not just the run-of-the-mill football coach kind of asshole, but also the lowlife scumbag kind of asshole that you see playing video poker by himself at 4 am in Harrah's. First, there were the "allegations" that Payton and other coaches on the team were stealing vicodin from team doctors, which were almost certainly true. This was swept under the rug immediately by the organization, and no one wants to acknowledge that our coach's brilliant play-calling ability is probably the result of drugged-induced sideline hallucinations ("Look at all the colors!").

Second, there was the Bounty "scandal," which would've resulted in a few wrist slaps from Roger Goodell if Coach Nixon hadn't piled lies on top of lies in order to conceal the truth. (The truth, of course, is that Gregg Williams is the worst motivational speaker AND worst defensive coordinator to ever fall ass backwards into a Super Bowl.) Third, and finally, Payton divorced his wife of nearly twenty years this summer and was seen not a month later grinding on co-eds in the Bahamas. This is wrestling heel behavior, not Hall of Fame coach behavior. If you're going to repeatedly do shitty things like this, at least have the smarts not to get caught. I know Belichick got caught in Spygate, but he probably has bodies buried in the endzone at Gillette Stadium, only you'll never hear about them because the guy's an evil genius. Sean Payton might just be evil.

Jessica:

I am in no way morally supportive of bounty programs of this nature. I still love my team and wish them well in this uphill season ahead with no bandwagon in sight. But for fuck's sake, when your omnipotent overlord of a league commissioner who has been very clear for his entire tenure that PLAYER SAFETY IS THE CORNERSTONE OF MY PUBLIC IMAGE AND I WILL PERSONALLY DESTROY ANYONE WHOSE ACTIONS SUGGEST THAT THIS IS AN INTENTIONALLY BRUTAL SPORT THAT COULD LEAD TO MORE LAWSUITS, you might want to do something about the bounty program he's known about for TWO YEARS. You might want to stop leaving your graph paper with cart off prices around the Superdome locker room and fire ol' "Renegade McGee" Gregg Williams before he has the opportunity to obliterate any chance of a Super Bowl repeat in 2012 against Alex Smith of allllllll people. And against the spectacularly inane 7-9 Seahawks the year before that.

So help me God, at least I can finally look forward to the fact that I will never again have to be bamboozled into thinking that when Joe Buck or whoever utters "exotic blitz scheme" on the call, this means we will magically be worth a damn on defense.

Joe:

The entire fan base is a bunch of paranoid conspiracy theroists.

Dylan:

Real Saints fans know one thing year after year, if the Saints go to the playoffs on the road, we will lose....to any fucking team in the NFC.

Adam:

Roman Harper had the worst playoff game in history 2 years ago against Seattle. For that awful performance, he was rewarded with a substantial contract and lo and behold, he continues to fucking blow.

Hardell:

Our team is wholly dependent on one man. We have placed 100 Million Dollars on that man….then proceeded to spit in the face of the League itself and discover that as a club policy we considered injuries sound defensive strategy. To say I don't think Brees will escape injury free is an understatement. Frankly, Goodell may order the hit just to let New Orleans know he is not to be fucked with.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THE BENGALS.