Dead Letters: "Congrats You Unimaginative Retard"S

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Too Funny

From: Billy Tanner
To: Drew Magary

Dude, you are fucking hilarious. Do you really think anyone in New Orleans is offended by anything you say? We have been at the bottom of the football barrel for so long that there isn't a fucking thing you can possibly say that would make us do anything but laugh. Your opinion is just that. Yours. And it's great. We relish the fact that we hurt people. It's football you faggot. We love the fact that nothing you can say takes away the glory of a Superbowl win. We have the best QB in football over the last 6 years. Can't change that. You know bounties have been placed on players as long as the game has been around. We are a fucking good football team and you can't change that either.

As far as your characterization of the city, that's about as juvenile as it gets. Gumbo, Gumbo, Crawdad Gumbo. What the fuck is that all about? Did you let a 4-year old write that? And you are in New York. That's a fucking joke. Only New Yorkers think their city is so fucking great that if you live anywhere else you are a toothless retarded moron. By the way, I don't recall any of the NY football teams defeating us since Drew Brees got here.

And if your lily white ass is brave enough to show your face here I am sure a couple of NOLA brothers can help you out by assisting you in getting your jaw wired shut.

You are awesome, keep up the hate.
Fuck New York

[Ed. note: Drew Magary lives in Maryland.]

Subject: Why your the worst writer on the internet possibly ever

From: Justin...Xbox 360 [ed.: Yeah, we don't know either.]
To: Drew Magary

Mostly because your articles suck, you do nothing but bash on everybody and everything, so lets look at the five reasons Drew "big daddy" Magary sucks.
1. Reason number one because you look like fucking AJ Pierzynski and we can all agree that he is a total douche
2. Your articles (more like blogs) are backed by no research and are nothing but your retarded opinions that nobody cares about
3. You have a book on Amazon that ranks 787,016 in best sellers, I mean seriously what does that mean maybe 3 people bought the book all immediate family members.
4. Your not even on Wikipedia if that's not insulting to someone with your kind of ego then I don't know what it
5. Lastly your football knowledge is a bigger joke than your tumblr website and I actually hate myself for doing research to write this email I have much more important things to do with my life.

Now eat that bowl of GUMBOLAYA you fat ass

Justin

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New Orleans Saints

From: Ray Gruezke
To: Drew Magary

You are one ignorant piece of shit. You know nothing about this city or our team. You are basing argument on unsupported claims by the league and its commissioner. I am sure you believe in the wire taping allegations that came out too because you saw them on ESPN. But go ahead and base your opinion off of Cajun pawn stars, Swamp Loggers, and any other stupid fucking Hollywood show about Louisiana. Bashing the tam is one thing, but the retarded quotes and gumbo crap makes you look like a piece of shit that has nothing better to say than make fun of asinine stereotypes that are not true. You are too far up your own ass to come up with a decent argument that you resort to the every day stupid insults that every movie writer has put on this state. Congrats you unimaginative retard.

Subject: my response to your shitty article on the saints and new orleans.

From: Ryan Wagemann
To: Drew Magary

This guy is a joke. I can't believe he would ever get paid to write an article. If you are going to call an entire city dumb you should proabably correct all of your grammatical errors in your column first. "Most of them are all virulently racist"? HA! Clearly he doesn't truly know anything about the city or much else for that matter.

Subject: my response to your shitty article on the saints and new orleans.

From: Christopher Feldman, DDS
To: Drew Magary

Drew...I just read your article about how much the saints suck.....First off, you're wrong...our team is good..theres no way to argue logically against that....Second, where's all this hate coming from??....Third, and most important...I dare you to go and speak the words that you're writing out loud in New Orleans...I don't think it would go so well for you..I hope you figure out a cooler way to deal with your insecurities...

Chris

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New Orleans Saints

From: lauren hebert
To: Drew Magary

Dude you suck. I couldn't make it far enough through your hatred but wanted to educate you that new Orleans and cajun are not hand&hand. Get it right. South of I10 is cajun.

Subject: Dooshbag

From: elvissixx67@aol.com
To: Drew Magary

You have the same irrelevant spew as all of the rest who have no clue as to what NOLA represents. Maybe, you should consider bagging groceries as a supplemental income to help with your over-inflated school loans you aquired to be able to write such an insightful look about nothing you know about.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Droid

Subject: Reply

From: Johnp4524@gmail.com
To: Drew Magary

What junior high are you currently attending and what great city and team do you support? My initial reaction is that you are a dumbass!
Sent from my iPad
John

Subject: Saints article

From: Letsridejam
To: Drew Magary

Fuck you from the who DAT nation.
Sent from my iPad

Subject: Saints story

From: Adam Hodes
To: Drew Magary

Go fuck yourself

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Saints

From: Kyle
To: Drew Magary

Horrible article

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Ray Lewis

From: Susan Goodell
To: Drew Magary

I realize that you're job is to write snarky things for a snarky website. But I did think the tiny bit of you that has a soul should see this photo of the "phony" Ray Lewis yesterday at practice with a child from Make-A-Wish. This was not a press event.

Dead Letters: "Congrats You Unimaginative Retard"S

Subject: you're a tool

From: Benjamin Pfau
To: Drew Magary

you're clearly a steeler loving dbag. get a life loser

Subject: Cincy bengals

From: john zavaglia
To: Drew Magary

Drew, I appreciate ur brutal honesty and its what alot of people need to hear here in Cincinnati but while most is true in ur article I'm offended being a bengals fan. Show a little class when talking about the dead like Chris Henry for fucks sake, he was a talented wr. Maybe u could come coach for a year and show us how its done since u are a perfect human. Players on all teams make mistakes and have character flaws as do me and you and I personally find inspiration from NFL players that turn or try to turn their life around as I did, and do. Really as I write this I realized I'm just wasting my time and people that make $ in the media, or in general by tearing others down for the most part that I've met r sad cases of lames that usually nobody likes that have trouble getting laid. U give me gratitude that I don't make a living like u, id rather have a backbone and do real work and stand by what I love than but be a journalist who makes a living pointing out flaws of NFL players who make way more $ than u.

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Cincinnati Bengals

From: Alex Thinnes
To: Drew Magary

Good Afternoon Drew,

As a born and raised Cincinnatian now living in Chicago, I felt I needed to email you in response to the above article. I must admit, I laughed my ass off on numerous occasions, even getting a few stares from co-workers wondering what kind of drug I was on today. However, one part pissed me the fuck off.

And you Cincy folk deserve him. I went to camp with kids from Cincinnati and they were racist as shit. When it comes to Cleveland versus Cincinnati, America sides with poor Cleveland every time.

Really Drew, really? Because you went to some shitty camp with a few assholes from Cincinnati, our city "deserves" the piece of shit that is Mike Brown? I'll admit, the city has its share of racists cum-stains, but give me a break. Most of the city's inhabitants are good people who "deserve" a owner that is actually looking out for the city and its citizens.

Let it be clear, no one deserves Mike Brown. Not Cincinnati, not Mobile, Alabama, and not New York City. As you said, the man not only drops deuces on the grass of PBR every Sunday, he sucks the county dry of funds that could be used to actually improve the region. The amount of shit Cincinnatians put up with on a yearly basis and to have you justify it because were all "racist as shit" is a god damn atrocity.

Regards,
Alex Thinnes

Subject: drunk

From: Greg Ferrero
To: The Staff

Why can't all of your articles be in video fashion are have audio when I come home drunk

?

Subject: [no subject]

From: Moore, Justin
To: Barry Petchesky

Barry,

Your scared of gators? What kind of man are you?

Never been to the south? Maybe you need to shut your mouth.

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Subject: Introduction / Collaborate on blog

From: Max Rodriguez
To: Tim Burke

Hey,

I came across this address going through a blog ring and wanted to reach out to see if you might be interested in working together on some blog posts sometime. I have a firearms / defense related blog and have been adding some contributing authors lately. If you'd like to post something from time to time or have some quesitons about the site, please drop me a line. If you'd like to check it out the blog is http://www.knesekguns.com/blog

Thanks,
Max

Subject: Order Needed

From: Rob Jones
To: cincomasunotoys@yahoo.com
BCC: The Staff

My name is Rob Jones, i send this inquiry to your company in regards to order some Dunk Tanks, i will like you to email me back with the types and sizes of the Dunk Tanks you have and the prices on them as well. Immediate responds is require and advise on payment method. Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

With Kind Regards
Rob Jones

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