Like his Dominican compatriot Melky Cabrera, who also plays on the west coast and tested positive for testosterone and was suspended for 50 games by MLB, Bartolo Colon had recently been playing better than we expected him to. Colon, who pitched for the Yankees last year and Oakland this year, had a 111 ERA+ in 50 starts. He did that after missing all of the 2010 season and going AWOL during parts of the 2008 and 2009 seasons.
But unlike Cabrera, who slimmed down before improving his play, Colon was fat, and he stayed fat. He may have even gotten fatter, because doctors moved fat and stem cells from his butt into his arm last year, and more fat could have replaced the transported fat.
Fatness aside, Colon was doing something quirky on the mound this year: He threw almost exclusively fastballs. (89.2 percent of his pitches, Fangraphs says.) Colon didn't get swings and misses, but he didn't walk anyone, either. Everything was put into play, which was a good strategy in Oakland. Most of those balls in play became outs. But it probably helped that his velocity at age 39 was just as high as it had been at age 33.
What this means for baseball is that the Oakland A's will lack one of their best starters while they chase a wild-card berth. (The A's are half a game back of Baltimore for the second spot.) What this means for humanity isn't yet clear. We hope to have an answer for you shortly.