Dead Letters: "Wishing You A Lifetime Of Genital Herpes And Shingles"

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Ephesians

From: Robert Fischl
To: Drew Magary

Drew -

You really need to take some time off and read Ephesians.

It just might change the way you write, which is, pathetic and angry.

Robert Fischl
Glennville GA

[ed. note: This email was sent at 4:40 a.m.]

Subject: Your article about Augusta

From: Kelly Johnson
To: Jack Dickey

Jack:

The chunks in Condoleezza Rice's stool are smarter than you! She is the former Sec. of State, Ph.D in Political Science, accomplished pianist, and a current Professor at Stanford.

You write for a blog....yep....you win. Hope you make rent this month...

When she tee's off at the coolest golf course in the world I promise, she could care less what you think. She accomplished more by the age of 21 than you will in your entire life. She came from the segregated south, a black girl in Alabama. No one gave her anything. What does that say about you and your accomplishments? How do you compare? I'm glad you feel great about yourself today...you have illusions of grandeur.

JK Johnson

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks Responce

From: S
To: Drew Magary

Wow! In America very few people have pride in anything any more. Families are falling apart, our government consistently rips us off, & there's very few long standing traditions anymore. Thus people bond over a team; something harmless versus lets say drugs, or organized crime. Like I say to anyone who puts down the Steeler Nation/Tradition EVERYONE HATES A WINNER. So if this is the best you can come up with then you need more help then the overweight people you made fun of on 105.9 The X. I heard a lot of people called you a pole smoking fag today. Well I won't hop on that bang wagon because it's counter productive just like your article. What you have displayed today is exactly what is wrong in this country. Let's make money/get attention for putting others down. Sadly for you Steeler fans are nation wide, & I'm sure the attention/money you received for this article will not be worth the harassment you receive publicly. Oh and I hope for the sale of your spine that you do not find yourself stuck underneath one of the overweight fans you put down.

Sincerely,

A City of Tradition

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Steeler piece

From: jeffrey oram
To: Drew Magary

You are a complete moron. Stereotyping an entire fan base is like saying all reporters are good at what they do. See it doesn't work...you suck.

And for the record, we all knew how bad we sucked during the Cordell years. The Rooney 's are one of the better owners in the NFL and players always want to come back and retire in black and gold. I guess your job is writing so you think that every other city will applaud your last piece but you must have forgotten that Steelers fans are everywhere and my bet is that most people think you're a tool.

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks 2012

From: Huy Nguyen
To: Drew Magary

Mr. Magary,
I find it comical how anyone can publish an article that is centered around opinions portrayed with obscenities in every other sentence. All quotes were obviously fabricated along with the majority of your article. The only factual statement is the fact that Tebow threw for 316 yards in the AFC divisional playoffs last year. Your literature needs more substance and less emotion.

Respectfully,
Huy Nguyen
Anaheim, Ca

Subject: Asshole

From: Thomas Durst
To: Drew Magary

Eat shit pussy. Come to Pittsburgh and shot your mouth off. Ya I didn't think so.

Subject: Steeler fans

From: shane holliday
To: Drew Magary

You my friend are a tool and can wait when the steelers win the Super Bowl and shut your fat mouth up

Sent from my iPhone

Subject: Steeler fans

From: eric painter
To: Drew Magary

Your a worthless piece of shit & your opinions mean nothing at all.

~Sincerely a Steelers fan

Subject: "Great" Article

From: RoninEditor
To: Drew Magary

http://deadspin.com/5935713/why-your-team-sucks-2012-chicago-bears

You write like an angry middle-schooler on a messageboard rant. I realize you're trying to be funny but it's just absolutely juvenile. "Cutlerfucker"? It's not even clever. "Quitler" or something stupid like that would be at least somewhat clever. You just sound like a child trying to 'cuss' to give yourself an edgy article.

I find it ironic that you're commenting on everyone's abilities while doing so from an article written like a buffoon, 'name-calling' people while you being the only one laughing at these stupid jokes. It's so God-awful that it makes want to go out and read a Chris Chase "article" and we all know he's absolutely an abysmal "writer".

Congrats and being the most unprofessional and shitty writer in sports... I'm shocked Deadspin would publish you, let alone pay you... unless you're somehow related to someone there.

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Chicago Bears

From: Todd Marcotte Jr
To: Drew Magary

you are an idiot and, i would bet my nut sack, the biggest pussy in the world! GO BEARS!

Subject: Who's your squad D-bag?

From: Camm, Randy
To: Drew Magary

[No text.]

Subject: Why the Bengals Suck 2012?

From: Kurt Windisch
To: Drew Magary

Drew,

After reading your 2012 Bengals preview I would like to offer two observations:

1. I cannot disagree with your critical assessment of Mike Brown's football acumen. He is a notoriously cheap bastard and has done his level best to not field a winning team. Ever. The fact they made the playoffs last year was either a Festivus miracle or solely due to the cupcake schedule they played (the only team they beat that had over a .500 record was the Titans). I also fear that some disaster awaits this year, especially when you look at their difficult schedule. However, just because he is a ruthless vulture capitalist who took the city and county for the proverbial "ride" doesn't mean that you have the right to personally attack him as a person; I would have been satisfied with calling for him to hire a real-life General Manager. The fact that he continually offers second (and third, and fourth) chances to guys who have had legal problems, with the hope he can help them turn their lives around - rather turn them out into the streets to continue fucking up their lives - reveals a deeper humanitarian impulse that often gets dismissed as simply MB trying to get first-class talent on the cheap. In that sense I do believe that Mike Brown has a big heart and is a good person.

2. I find it ironic that you assault the people of Cincinnati as racist, yet in a subsequent paragraph you make fun of Pacman Jones by mocking him in a blatantly racist way. There is no excuse for those fuck-heads you went to camp with, but there is no higher form of hypocrisy than to commit the same crime you accuse them of. From the sound of it you were probably all best friends by the end of camp and likely still keep in contact every four years when you try to drum-up support for your "David Duke for President" grassroots campaign.

Wishing you a lifetime of genital herpes and shingles

Kurtis

Subject: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Tennessee Titans

From: Brian Fields
To: Drew Magary

You are a complete moron!! You obviously know nothing about football to post such malarkey about the Titans!! CJ fat and shitty??!! Have you read about what espn and nfl.com have been saying bout him..?? Hes in the best football shape of his life!!! And Munchak was never going anywhere that was a rediculous roomer and thats all it was!! Hes been with the franchise since he was drafted in 1982 he wasnt going to coach fkn Penn State you ass sniffer!! Ur a freakin idiot!! Learn about the sport before you post such moronic artciles!! Get a new career dumbass!!

Subject: Go fuck yourself

From: wilbur P
To: Drew Magary

dear vkings asshole

Your article on the green bay packers is a horrible joke. obvisily, you have never gone to a packers game or watched one on tv otherwise you would know that everything you say about them is a completely lie.

First the defense is actually good. Its just that they are on the field so much because the offense is so good and scores so quickly. This messes up the defensive stats. But your too ignorant to realize this. Second, no one hear cares about running the football. Third, i dare you to come up to green bay and root for an aaron rodgers injury. I'd love to see you say those things in lambeau. And in today' nfl, concussions are serious and you shouldnt be encouraging other players to hit our qb.

Packers fans are the greatest in the nfl. You can make all the fat jokes and hunting jokes you want. No one cares. In november, i leave the tree stand for three things\ thanksgiving, field dressing a buck and the green bay packers. I am proud of who we are. if we wanted to all be dickless, hippy writers who like shitty football we move to st paul.

Your article is so fucking terrible it could only be writing by a vikings fan. You should jump off one of those bridges that keep collapsing up there.

signed,
a true packers fan
Wil

ps go pack!

Subject: Why you hate the Packers

From: cory helwig
To: Drew Magary

I love the part: "When you celebrate the Packers, you're celebrating a group of people who never had the intellect or courage to leave Green Bay and actually go DO something with their lives."

Yeah everyone that lives in Green Bay or the state who are Packer fans are lazy, cowards who have never amounted to anything....we sure cannot relate to a D-bag writer who thinks the most moronic rant up then actually goes to a computer and decides to PHYSICALLY type it up and let the public read it. Honestly did a retard get a hold of your computer and do that?

Thanks,

My middle finger

Oh and SKOAL (???) Vikings? ...not sure what that's about yet

Subject: [no subject]

From: James F Carr
To: Drew Magary

Not a fan eh idiot?

James F. Carr

Subject: Packer Fans Understood...

From: Kevin Black
To: Drew Magary

Mr. Magary:

It is an amazing thing to see such loathing for the Packers. A new point of view is always appreciated. I teach for a living and have found many of the students I work with in Iowa are not fans, either. See I actually DID leave Green Bay. I tell the the kids that it is great knowing there are other team fans as we need one another or the season would be long and boring. Your approach is completely undesirable; however I suppose that blogs work better if you sell-out and lace them with profanity (trust me: I love the "F" word, I just not to get people to read what it is I think is important).

We (as Packer fans) are a good lot. It's really in the best interest of all. I had a friend who was a Dallas fan who said he's never felt the incredible hospitality at any NFL stadium as when he saw the Packers play his team. Our fans even bought him a beer. It's really rather interesting. The best part is that your "F-word" laden blog seems so, well... CHEESY (that pun was intended). I won't resort to calling you the things others have because it doesn't matter to me. You've made me realize that so many people are unhappy for unknown reasons

We, like most teams, have fans everywhere. I love the fact that we are not only a good team, but like the Bears, a LASTING team. MANY people appreciate the kindness that comes from being a community-owned franchise. The greatest part is that your opinion is okay and acceptable, but it truly doesn't matter.

Good luck,

Kevin Black

Subject: Penn State

From: Mitchell Gerould
To: Drew Magary

Read your article about Penn State and Matt Millen.

It was terrible, didn't even make it through to the end.
You are like all other media outlets, you can't report facts about the actual case. You want to pin everything on Paterno.

Paterno did so much good in life, he wouldn't possibly do something this bad.
You actually think a man who lived his life with integrity and honor would look the other way if he knew Sandusky was abusing children?

Subject: Fuck you from a Ravens fan.

From: Dave Donovan
To: Drew Magary

[No text.]

Dave Donovan

President

Aequus Strategy Group

774A Walker Road

Great Falls, VA 22066

www.aequussg.com

Subject: Detroit Lions Suck 2012

From: Nicholas Gamber
To: Drew Magary

Mr. Magary,
I just read your deadspin review of why the Detroit Lions will suck in 2012 and I have to say I was taken back by it. I am relatively new to deadspin and I am assuming that these previews (?) are meant to be irritating and mean spirited but I found yours to be lazy. Rather than taking any real shots at the Detroit Lions you spent most of the article making fun of the poor, ignorant and racist residents of the Murder Mitten. While what you said may be true, we are all poor, ignorant, racists living in the shadow of a once great state (which won WWII, built the American economy of the 20th century and is the proud home of Kid Rock, Jeff Daniels and Jason Babin) none of that pertains to the Detroit Football Lions. You wrote two paragraphs of actual insight into a team which spent most of its off season battling various criminal charges. Two paragraphs? That's your football insight. I'm not insulted as a Michigander with your article, I am insulted as a football fan. The Lions have given us all a lot to complain about this off season and you can only find two paragraphs worth of insight. Go less for the shock value of insulting the natives and give us more team insight. If you can't do this maybe you should find another forum to insult Michigan and other states.

Yours from Ypsilanti MI,
Nick Gamber

Subject: W an idiot?

From: Brian Nicholson
To: Sean Newell

So you're calling the one person who has done more than any other individual to combat aids in Africa an idiot?

You are a racist, pathetic little fuck that I will never again pay attention to.

Maybe one day, you can grow up and realize that the liberal indoctrination you've evidently swallowed without reservation is pure poison.

Subject: [no subject]

From: suzanna
To: The Staff

Hi who is the owner of this website please, thank you

suzanna

[Ed.: Nick Denton. You may reach him here.]

Subject: verizon hating article from 2011

From: Peter Lass
To: Drew Magary

Dear Drew,

I dont understand the overall point you tried to make in the blog post in which you accused Verizon employees of being vultures, and 'eye' rapists, among other things... So let me get this straight... You are mad that a salesman did his job, and offered you benefits of a service that his company offered? This was a surprise to you? May I ask, have you ever bought a product, phone or otherwise in your lifetime?

I dont know what you do for a living, could you let some one know? Someone, in their spare time *which I assume they have tons of,* might even write an expletive laced rant about it on a blog, which is, by
far, the number one most effective medium at influencing people's decision making... —please note that was sarcasm—

Could you please let us know your profession?

So that when a smart/normal/educated Verizon customer, such as myself, looks up information about Verizon on Google. They stumble across that article. Just as I stumbled across this lovely, edifying post... Because that would be just terrific. :) —please note again, anytime someone uses an 'emoticon' they are insulting your intelligence—

Are you a rapper by chance? Because if so, you do get points for the amout of profanity laced throughout your article... Lil Wayne would be so proud of you...

Also, one other question I had. What is a "glass cunt?" I can't imagine it would be a terribly useful device, given that by nature, female anatomy is soft and supple. You may find this out for yourself sometime, but I guarantee that a rant like this, will not win you any lady's hearts, or other parts of their bodies...

Do yourself a favor, go to school and learn something. Or at the very least, go to the supermarket, and buy yourself some perspective.

Thank You!

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