Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. Behold the terrifying visage of the Sanchbow. Whenever I think of the Jets' quarterback situation, I remember the old quote from Dennis Miller (back when Dennis Miller was funny): "Hey folks, two of shit is SHIT. If they really wanna fuck you, they'll give you three of these things." If you woke up a coma patient who had been asleep for the past four years, plunked him down in front of the TV, and had him watch footage of Mark Sanchez, this would be the ensuing conversation:
COMA GUY: Hey, he looks OK for a rookie.
YOU: No, no. This is his fourth year in the league.
COMA GUY: Fuck off, really? OW MY BED SORES
Mark Sanchez making the AFC title game in his first two years is akin to you letting your kids win at Connect Four twice in a row. It's really cute to watch, but then it's finally time to DROP THE HAMMER. He's not a real quarterback. He'd be awesome at being an actor PLAYING a quarterback, but as an actual quarterback, he looks like a boy among men.
Unless you're comparing him with the quarterback who'll end up replacing him four weeks into the season. I mean, honestly, look at this fucking guy try to throw a football.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Every time Tim Tebow throws the ball, it looks like a fake punt. Tim Tebow is the guy you put in at QB after the three quarterbacks on your roster have all had their legs broken. He's the long snapper you turn to only because the punter is hiding under the bench somewhere. The Broncos got back into the playoffs last season thanks to a nasty defense, a great offensive line, and a coaching staff that was smart enough to minimize Tebow's straight dropbacks. And yet, any time he won a game, five million Promise Keepers would show up online to be like GOD IS TALKING THROUGH TIM TEBOW'S RUGGED BEARD STUBBLE or something horrible like that.
Tim Tebow isn't a quarterback. He's a sideshow. He's a cheesy traveling big-tent revival that whips the locals into a gibbering frenzy before he blows town with all the money and all the blonde virgins. This is the year that Tebow's game breaks down completely; by spring he will be welcomed with open arms by ESPN to be a College Gameday analyst. It's what Jesus wants. For real. If Jesus watches Tebow overthrow another out route, He'll tear His hair out.
2. They're so, so fucked. It says a lot about the Jets as an organization when they import both Tim Tebow and Tony Sparano to implement the Wildcat offense, an offense that the rest of the NFL solved FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO. This organization has no earthly idea what it's doing. Woody Johnson will just throw any shitty idea at the wall and go with it if he thinks he can get on the back page of the Post by doing it. You can smell the desperation as they attempt, in vain, to match the prestige and success of the Giants. It's pathetic. The Jets are the Redskins of the AFC.
I've never seen a team whose implosion could so clearly be foreseen going into the season. Do you have any faith that the Jets will unfuck themselves this season? Of course you don't. At KSK, we spent the last three years or so making Rex Ryan into our own private folk hero, but even I know his time is up. For two years, Ryan walked a fine line between genius motivator and circus clown, and last year he tripped over that line and footfucked his way into losing the team for good. There's no getting the team back. Sanchez hates him. Santonio Holmes, who is worthless, has no respect for him. The front office will surely undermine him at some point and force him to start Tebow after a slow start. He isn't gonna last past Week 12, and that will be a sad day for us all. No more steaks and blowjobs after that. I hope he steals Jon Gruden's job.
3. LaRon Landry AHAHAHAHA. LaRon Landry has really big arms, which totally make him look awesome any time he whiffs on a hit or lets a receiver get 20 yards behind him.
4. "Show us your tits!" Jets fans are the kind of dumbfuck Long Island steakheads who take special pride in being dumbfuck Long Island steakheads. When a Jets fan is screaming at your wife to take her top off in front of everyone on the stadium concourse, he is exhibiting a bizarre kind of cultural pride. Jets fans LIKE being the kind of people that menace women, scream racial epithets at nearby Mexicans, and get kicked out of bars for pissing on the jukebox. They're fully aware of just how awful they are, and they take great pleasure in it. They're horrible. I hope every Jets fan loses his day job making sandwiches.
5. Hear it from Jets fans!
WAYNE HUNTER. This corpulent sack of milky diarrhea is the NUMBER ONE REASON the Jets will struggle offensively. He gave up 11 sacks last year and as far as right tackles go, he is the equivalent to Bruce Vilanch in Pamplona. This man is still starting for us, and there is no one standing in his way.
WOODY JOHNSON. Jet fans can only wait for this detached old turd to just die. He has absolutely no interest in winning on the field, there is no evidence AT ALL to support the contrary. If he hadn't been faced with so much resistance, the Jets would have been featured in Hard Knocks two out of the last three yea—-fuck I hate the Jets more and more as I type this. Woody's idea of bringing out the best in his young QB is to guarantee the 25-year-old MORE money. Then when it comes to paying the only REAL superstar/asset we have on our roster, he chooses to play hardball. If I could give AIDS to one person it'd be Woody Johnson.
Because Cromartie probably IS the second best receiver.
Because Holly Mangold would be an upgrade on Wayne Hunter.
Because Fat Rex was at least entertaining.
Because I actually overheard some Jets fan talking wistfully about the "Mangenius".
I went to the Jets training camp, and there was a group of three small children all chanting Tebow's name holding up signs and asking for autographs...I have never wanted to punch little kids in the face more than that morning, and not have a single regret. The only thing I would have Tebow autograph is The Book of Mormon, just to make him look like an asshole.
Sanchez is fucking horrible. He never sets his feet when he throws and he can't read a defense. He is so bad he is making me pine for Tim Tebow, who is also terrible.
-Last year, right before kickoff of every game, the sound system inside MetLife Stadium BLASTED "Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed. So fucking fitting.
-We have the worst fans in the NFL. The stadium is about 65% full at kickoff of every game.
-The parking lot is filled with bros named Paulie or Enzo who, wearing their Vinny Testaverde jerseys, are on their Nextels, chirping messages to their foreman for gambling and/or fantasy football advice.
-Every time I walk through the lot to get to my seat on time, half these morons are still playing cornhole or beer pong even though kickoff if 15 minutes away. Having more of their drunk dad's skirt steak and trying to catch a blowjob in a porta-potty from some Long Island whore in a pink Mark Sanchez jersey clearly takes precedent....Can't say I blame them.
Joe Namath is a creepy weirdo whose teeth are UNNATURALLY WHITE and sits around in quarterback meetings desperately searching for a moment to remind everyone that "back in the 60s, y'know, I fucked a lot of girls." Fuck him.
1)The Rex Ryan era of the Jets has become so big in its stature — from the guarantees, to the off-the-field press, to the trash talking, and every minor detail that can be sucked out by an ever-hungry press from picking up Tim Tebow — that talking about anything before seems like a distant memory of a completely different team, from an entirely different planet. It's all a delusion FROM a delusion, that this team would ever be worthy of going back to a Super Bowl, or that we ever did even once. And even THAT game is legendary if only because of yet another big mouthed guarantee!
2) The above reason doesn't even infuriate me as much as what really what matters about the Jets: the crazy, stubborn belief that the "Ground and Pound" game plan could ever work. HEY! LET'S GO AGAINST THE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM OF TODAY'S HIGH-FLYING PASS-BASED OFFENSES AND HAVE A PLAN THAT CENTERS ON SHONN "3-YARD-GOING-ON-4-YARD-AVERAGE" GREENE! Let's avoid developing a depth chart without butter-finger RBs, who have the speed and insight to find a path, but will never have the start over hulking morons who can't go beyond that 3-yard benchmarker that Mr. Greene has set so high!
3) WAYNE HUNTER. He not only guards as well as turnstile, but he stands and watches Mark Sanchez go down, knowing he should have stopped that. He watches himself be awful at his job.
4) Even Curtis Martin acknowledged how much he wanted to avoid playing for the Jets, not to mention that he didn't even enjoy the sport of football to begin with. And now that he's in the Hall of Fame, it just stings knowing that there was no pride even in just having a team, any team, be where he called home. But the fact that he viewed the Jets as the lowest of the low? I feel like I have to apologize to him personally for trapping him here.
5) Going back to Tebow for a second: No Jets fan actually knows why he's on the team. There's this mystery, Double-Secret-Probation Hush-Hush order on this Wildcat plan of theirs, which will be lost the second he marches onto the field in the red zone. Knowing Rex and the love of "storylines" a la Pro Wrestling, it'll probably come out during the first game against New England, when the Jets are down, 24-7 in the fourth quarter with five minutes left to play, with the crazy hope that it'll lead to some miraculous come-from-behind victory, starting with this Wildcat play leading into a TD, then an interception turning into a touchdown, and then another. Instead, Tebow will fumble the ball, and some mouth-breathing Patriot D will pick it up and slowly-but-surely make it across the field. But it won't count, of course, because he actually ran in with Tebow's decapitated head.
Then, and only then, will people finally shut up about this fabricated "quarterback controversy," and Mark Sanchez can go back to peacefully being adequate at his job. Good enough, not great. Just enough to say "At least he's not Fitzpatrick."
6) The AFC East is so fucking unbalanced, that it comes down to accepting that, every year, we'll probably end up being second to the Pats, and happy to have beaten the pathetic has-been Dolphins and the perpetually awful Bills. And hoping for second in the division every year counts as a rivalry?!
It's cute how the NY media always makes it seem like the NY sports fan is so engaged and knowledgeable. The truth is that most people from Queens, Staten Island, and Long Island are inbred redneck twits. The only difference between them and people from eastern Maryland or Alabama is that the New Yorkers have less charming accents. In case you can't make it to the stadium to see the fans punch women in the face or chant for them to show their tits, you can always tune into WFAN and listen to a bunch of morons from New Jersey and Long Island give their opinions on how the Jets should just DURR trade Santonio Holmes for Megatron or call for the head of Rex Ryan who is the best coach we've had since Bill Parcells.
And fuck the New York media. Whenever a new player comes into town, the biggest question is "How will they deal with the intense scrutiny of the media?". When they interview players and get canned responses, they complain that they're too buttoned up. If the player gives an honest answer, the media goes into a goddamn feeding frenzy. Half the "writers" go off about how the player isn't a "team" player and the other half engage in a maddeningly meta conversation about how his answer is going to be a distraction because the media is constantly going to be asking about it. You're the fucking media. If you think the question is going to be a distraction, don't ask the fucking question. All you have to do is tell me why my team blows.
We didn't get Manning, let's give the guy we were trying to replace a ludicrous extension instead. It's ok! We have plenty of cap room! It's best to get Barbie's bilingual boyfriend tied up into a contract that makes him untradable!
The Jets are like that ugly, unathletic C student in high school who had an older brother at Harvard. You know, the one who became a surgeon and met his underwear model wife at a Doctors Without Borders Fundraiser. The C student did OK, I guess — he got a job at the city recycling center, has a pension. But his wife's tits will never be as nice as his sister in-law's, and deep down, it will always bother him.
Meanwhile all the Giants do is win titles. UGH.
Mike (three Mikes in a row!):
Jets fans have ridiculously high expectations yet can't wait to declare that the team sucks. Jets fans want attention and then want you to pity them for being the 2nd team in the New York area. They have the emotions of a high school girl. And that sucks.
Rex Ryan was more fun when he was fat.
After the Jets imploded to end last season, a reporter asked our GM about overhauling the roster. This was his answer, quoted verbatim from the press conference transcript: "I think the great part about the NFL is there are so many unwritten stories. Look at the Giants and Victor Cruz. He came out of nowhere." Well, whoop-de-fucking-do, that allays all of my concerns! No worries, dudes—you know that team whose stadium we rent a studio apartment in? The team that actually knows how to fucking scout and draft and develop talent? The team that's actually capable of beating the Patriots? The team that's unlike our piddly-shit organization in every conceivable way? Well, they've got a UDFA who just had a historic season and helped them win their second Super Bowl in five years! So...uh...something good might happen to us someday, too!
I love Rex Ryan like a flatulent uncle and if Darrelle Revis spit in my face I'd never shower again, but pretty much every other person involved with this third-rate operation—from the shitheel Tea Party owner to the bean-counter GM to the dipshit players to the walking-afterbirth fans—should be loaded onto a rocket and fired into the sun. I have been a Jets fan my entire life, and when people ask me what team I hate the most, the only honest answer is: the fucking Jets.
Sanchez would rather throw interceptions in the red zone than bring out the field goal team, probably because the kicker is awful.
There a million reasons to hate the Jets: Rex Ryan's bravado is getting tiresome; Tim Tebow in general; Sanchez getting spreads in GQ even though Josh Freeman is a better QB; etc. But the single greatest offense to all NFL fans is Fireman Ed. Most readers probably only watch the Jets maybe 6 times a year (I can't imagine too many people with NFL cable packages are singling out a Jets game over any other, unless you have Shonn Greene on your fantasy team, in which case god help you) and yet I'm sure they're all utterly sick of seeing that jackass get on his buddy's shoulders and do the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! thing. Now imagine seeing it three or four times a week, sixteen times a year. On behalf of all sane Jets fans, I'm sorry.
I swear to God, if I see Tim Tebow running shirtless in the rain one more fucking time...
As one of the half dozen or so Jets fans who doesn't walk on all fours, I will concede that when news of the Tebow trade broke, my eyes glazed over and I fantasized briefly about complicated double- and triple-tight end sets and a monstrous multi-pronged running attack. That is until I remembered the names of the other prongs in that running attack.
That said, it is possible that this grand experiment, given the proper coaching and time to allow it to evolve, might come together in an exciting and fantastic way. But this would only succeed in a small market with next to no media, like say, Chicago. But by God it will never happen in the media capital of the world. The first shaky start (and we won't have to wait long, people!) of Mark Sanchez's 2012 campaign and it will be all the newspapers and the Sunday morning shows and the local TV and the radio and the WWL it will be GOOD MORNING BOOMER INTANGIBLES HE'S HAD HIS CHANCE WILDCAT WILDCAT WILCAT I'M JUST SAYING PHYSICAL SPECIMEN KNOWS HOW TO WIN AT THE GAME OF FOOTBALL.
Think of NBC's coverage of Michael Phelps, only Michael Phelps swims like a legless housecat. A field of journalism already void of much intelligent insight will be reduced to zero insight because of all the goddamned noise. Any source of remotely credible news is going to be unreadable or unlistenable. Already the thought of the back page of the Post makes my stomach feel like I've consumed slightly too old deli meats. It is quite possible that the coverage of the Jets will pretty much ruin the sports coverage for everyone over the next 5 months. You can expect your own team's highlights at around minute 22 of SportsCenter. You're welcome, America. Here in New York, I just hope I'm able to find out who is going to be elected our next president before the playoffs begin.
I actually believe that there's going to be some Sundays with some really fun Jets' football to watch. It will be the other six days of the week that will be AWFUL. It is wholly possible the Jets get themselves a winning record and Ryan motivates them through a first round playoffs win. But I won't feel great afterwards, as if I just got out of an erotic shower with Eva Braun.
Our starting QB is Mark Sanchez and the biggest move we made in the offseason is trade for his back-up.
Our coach spent the offseason taking acting classes so he could appear in a crappy Adam Sandler movie. Our center's sister is stronger than the entire team and she's only the tenth strongest woman in the world.
The most successful coach in today's game resigned on his first day as Jets Head Coach by scribbling "I resign as HC of the NYJ" on a goddamn sheet of looseleaf paper.
My family has had Jets season tickets since their inception. My grandparents would go see them suck at the Polo Grounds, and then my parents would see them suck at Shea Stadium, and then I had the pleasure of seeing them suck at the Meadowlands. My sister and I would literally fight over who got stuck going to the game with my dad because watching them play in person was so miserable. When they built the new stadium, how did the organization reward our loyalty (stupidity)? By giving us worse seats than those we had in the old stadium, and still insisting we pay PSLs.
I have three distinct memories of going to the games. One is seeing Dennis Byrd get paralyzed.
Another is my dad giving in and taking us home around halftime when the Jets were already down 45-3. The last is seeing some guys set the seats on fire in a section next to us.
The Bengals could blame their ineptitude on their cheapness. The Browns can blame theirs on being in Cleveland. The Jets have no fucking excuse. They spend big money. They are in a major market. They are just run by complete goddamn idiots. Always have been, and probably always will be because morons like me continue to root for them. Fuck them. But also, fuck me.
My only solace is that one day LA (where I live now) will get a team so I can finally ditch this sad sack of losers, and hopefully root for a team that is more interested in not sucking that it is in making headlines. Even then, I know deep down the moment I give up on them they'll be good, because they are a cancer on my soul.
There is a direct correlation between Rex's weight and team performance. At close to 400 lbs. they went to consecutive AFC title games. Last year, at 350 lbs., they went 8-8. This year he's down to 295. You do the math.
The following story is the only evidence you'll need to understand the scrotum-in-a-vice sensation accompanied by Jets fandom:
24-year-old Keith Fitzhugh, who dreamed of an NFL career as a boy, had a chance to sign with the New York Jets as a free-agent safety. Instead he opted for a job as a train conductor on the Norfolk Southern Railroad.
Let's take a brief walk through the past decade or so of Jets football:
-Bill Belichick resigns as the Jets head coach on a fucking cocktail napkin at his introductory press conference, leaving the Jets holding their dicks with Al Groh.
-Mo Lewis finishes the job of launching the Patriots dynasty by launching his shoulder into Drew Bledsoe's lung and bumping Brady up to the starting job.
-Chad Pennington becomes the starting QB, and promptly blows out his shoulder 83 times. He can't throw more than 15 yards downfield. He is also the best QB in franchise history.
-Herm Edwards declines to "play to win the game" in the playoffs against Pittsburgh, settling for a long field goal try into the wind at Heinz Field with Doug fucking Brien. It does not go well. And it happens twice.
-Herm Edwards forces his way out of New York to take a job with Kansas City.
-Desperate for some of that Patriots magic, the Jets hire Eric Mangini as head coach. He promptly rats Belichick out for Spygate, inspiring the Patriots to the most dominant season in history. Jets fans are forced to root for the Giants in the Super Bowl.
-Mangini is so rattled by Belichick that he's convinced that he has to blow the #6 pick on Vernon Gholston before the Pats grab him. 4 years later, Vernon Gholston has as many NFL sacks as I do.
-The Jets trade for Brett Favre.
-The Jets tie the hopes of their franchise to Mark Sanchez, who is basically Rex Grossman with a weaker arm and a younger prom date. With the defense and offensive line regressing, the team slips to 8-8. Jets fans are again forced to root for the Giants in the Super Bowl.
-This offseason, instead of signing a safety with some coverage skills or a right tackle who isn't nicknamed "EZPass," they choose to trade for Tim Tebow and hire the architect of the Miami Dolphins offense. The only saving grace is that Nick Folk is so shitty that Sparano will hardly have an opportunity to pull a running fist pump after every fucking field goal.
The saddest part about this story? That decade has been, by far, the most successful 10 year stretch in the history of the franchise.
We don't actually like our team, we tolerate them. 90% of our fanbase consists of stereotypical Jersey trash, and the other 10% switch between Jets and Giants depending on who is doing better that year. Our representative fan is a loud asshole in a fire helmet. We'd boo a newborn litter of puppies being carried by Alison Brie if given the chance. The old Giants Stadium was a rundown shithole that smelled like pee, and MetLife Stadium is well on its way. They stopped giving out programs last year because the upper level fans kept making paper planes out of them and throwing them during the game. If you have to take a shit, do it as soon as the gates open, because every single toilet will be clogged and destroyed by halftime. And NEVER use the porta-potties outside the stadium. I went into one a few years ago to piss (I was desperate) and not only was there dirty underwear thrown in the corner, but someone came on the seat. I was in the fetal position the next day. Jets fans are scum.
Fuck Mark Sanchez and his moles.
Rooting for the Jets is like rooting for a homeless man with psychiatric problems: it doesn't matter if you give him nice things. It doesn't matter if you put a Lacoste shirt on him and shower him and comb his hair. By the end of the night, he will have returned to eating garbage and shitting in a milk crate and doing heroin with a screwdriver. Because the Jets are the Jets, no matter how much fans & ownership may want to disguise them. They will always be losers and they will never win another Super Bowl.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THE FACKIN' PATRIOTS.