This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.
Hellllllo! I'm Doctor Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com. I've been a clinical psychologist for over 35 years and have written nine best-selling books on building successful long-term relationships, all of which say basically the same thing. I've helped millions of fat, goofy, otherwise undatable people all across the country find their one true love, or at least their one person to grudgingly settle into long-term congress with.
I've helped women seeking men. I've helped men seeking women. I've helped black men seeking white women (is there any other kind?). I've helped archbishops seeking altar boys. I've helped pilots seeking bartenders. I've helped rapists seeking mute people. The list goes on and on!
I've even helped myself! Thanks to my patented 29-dimension personality test, I found the one true love for me! Isn't that right, little Emily?
Emily: Help! The creepy doctor man keeps me in the attic and makes me wear a bonnet all the time! And he's NOT a real doctor!
Ho ho ho, she is a PEACH! But I want to tell you now about my most successful matchmaking triumph of all. It's the kind of match that would make Hodel from "Fiddler on the Roof" wet her burlap panties with vicarious excitement! It's the story of how I found long-lasting companionship for NBA superstar and rough anal sex enthusiast Kobe Bryant.
You might think that finding long-term companionship would be a relatively easy endeavor for the best basketball player on planet Earth. But you'd be wrong! We had Kobe take our free 29-dimension personality test. If you're not familiar with the test, here are the first two questions:
1) Are you reasonably attractive, white, straight, under the age of 35, in possession of no criminal record, make more than $50,000 a year, and are a desirable person who has simply had bad luck in love and can therefore help boost our success rate for PR purposes?
2) If the answer to Question 1 is "No," please stop taking the test and go die alone. If the answer to Question 1 is "Yes," do you like spicy food?
• General assholishness
• Emotionally distant
• Uncontrollable temper
• Desire to be center of attention
• Periods of eerie silence interspersed with bouts of surprising sexual aggression
• Desire to take ride up "Avenue B" despite bedroom partner's objections
• Badmouths teammates and loved ones at the drop of a hat
• Creepy compartmentalization skills that border on multiple personality disorder
• Bloodthirsty ambition that may cause him to one day bludgeon Paul Dano to death with a bowling pin
• Mama's boy/Lothario thing inherent in all Italian-bred men
• Bad Pennsylvania driving habits
• Desire for commitment without any personal responsibility
• Immature belief that any wrong can be set right via the bestowing of material objects
• Big fan of that whole Madonna/Whore complex
• Obsessive cleanliness
• Somehow manages to look even unhappier when smiling
• Passion for hunting little Mexican girls
• Smacks lips when eating
• Cannot maintain erection unless own highlight reel is playing in background
• Intense curiosity about street life stemming from identity crisis over middle class upbringing
• Affinity for rum runners
• Personal insecurity manifested in repeatedly jumping over strange objects on camera
Quite the personality. And not an easy person to find the right match for! Right, Coach Jackson?
Phil Jackson: Kobe is someone I would describe as "mercurial," which is just a fancy way of saying someone is a dick. He's very guarded. He's very reluctant to let anyone into his inner circle. But if you do manage to make it into that inner circle, then he's very, very loyal. Unless you disagree with him, in which case he'll kick you to the curb. I've tried many times to get through to Kobe. I helped him win three championships, but that didn't seem to work. Then I bitched about him in public, which also didn't work. I even tried making him read "The Kite Runner," because that's the kind of condescending thing I do with people. I tried pairing him with any number of teammates: Shaq, Lamar Odom, Tyronn Lue… for some reason, none of them worked out. It's very hard to find the right teammate for Kobe, because he doesn't really like other people. At all.
Indeed. After analyzing Kobe's test results, our eHarmony computer suggested that his perfect match was none other than Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker.
But Richard was already in a relationship. Then we asked those closest to him what THEY thought Kobe was looking for in a running mate. We even asked his wife, Vanessa.
Vanessa: FUCK YOU! Fuck you! How dare you write about Kobe! You didn't say you were writing an article! Fuck you! You fucking bitch! You have no romantic ethics! Fuck you! You bitch! Look at this man, children. THIS IS WHAT A LITTLE FUCKING BITCH LOOKS LIKE!
This was proving to be our most difficult eHarmony match of all. We soon expanded our search to big cities like Chicago and Phoenix, with little luck. But, just when we thought all hope was lost, we found a little miracle in Memphis, by way of Barcelona. Pau and his lisping Catalonian accent were in a failing relationship.
Pau: I thon't know what I dith wrong with grizzly bear. I play harth every night. I thcore. I rebounth. I maintain lovely head of hair. But grizzly bear keep growling at me, thaying "Growl! Everyone in Tennethee think Thpaniard is queer!"
It was a perfect match. Here was an eager, talented player, with no qualms about being a total doormat. It was a classic case of opposites attracting. Where Kobe was bossy, Pau was subservient. Where Kobe was selfish, Pau was deferential. Where Kobe liked raping people, Pau didn't mind the occasional mid-bang fingerplug. That's a European for you! All it took to bring them together was a little luck and the one GM dumb enough to think Kwame Brown isn't a total piece of shit.
Pau: I'm tho happy now. Every night like a thlumber party. Only the party host getsth really mad at me for beating him on Nintentho and dethides to lock himthelf in hith room and not talk to me. Lo quiero!
It just goes to prove that there's a special someone out there for everyone. All YOU need is a $50 registration fee and the willingness to not dig too deeply into your partner's sordid past. It's another eHarmony triumph of love!