Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Washington RedskinsS

Some people are fans of the Washington Redskins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here

1. A new savior every year. The Redskins are a massive, ongoing con job. Bruce Smith, Steve Spurrier, Joe Gibbs, Albert Haynesworth, Mike Shanahan, Donovan McNabb: The Redskins trot out men like this every year to hoodwink their gullible fanbase (and oh, how gullible it is) into believing that a RETURN TO GLOREEEE is right around the corner. The team's management history is like an almanac of "Get Rich Quick!" schemes, each one more doomed to fail than the last. And now, we arrive at Dan Snyder's boldest scheme yet: drafting a brilliant young passer, trading away any hope of surrounding him with a decent supporting cast, and placing him in the hands of Mike Shanahan, the WORST possible choice to tutor someone of Robert Griffin III's ability.

Shanahan will stop at nothing to suck all the joy and spontaneity out of RG3's game and turn him into a lifeless, short-passing drone. And the best part is that Snyder will be able to sell you RG3 as the franchise's salvation year after year after year. Next year, it'll be, "We got him a decent lineman!" The year after that? "We got him a running back!" The year after that? "New offensive coordinator! HE REALLY WILL THROW DEEP THIS TIME." Since 1991, the Redskins have drafted four quarterbacks in the first round. Three of them have failed. RG3 is the fourth. Only Redskins fans are suckers enough to trust this franchise to make hay with such a bright young talent.

Because the dirty little secret of the Redskins is that Dan Snyder is far more interested in separating you from your money than he is in winning football games. You can find proof of Snyder's secret disinterest with the sport if you look closely enough. He's far more passionate about being a football owner than he is about football itself, and that's been made clear time and time again by all the horrible decisions he's made over the past decade and a half. And you know what the worst part is?

2. Snyder fanboys. There are some Redskins fans who will never accept anything bad said about the team, under any circumstances. Go to Dan Steinberg and Sarah Kogod's DC Sports Bog, click on any Redskins post, and you will see them come out in droves. There are among the most pathetic fans in any sport. DAN SNYDER SPENDS MORE MONEY THAN A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER OWNERS! WE BEAT THE GIANTS TWICE LAST YEAR! DEAD TREE CREW 4 LIFE! These can't all be Snyder plants. Some of these people are real, actual imbeciles.

This is how a town can fully support a LaVar Arrington radio program when LaVar Arrington needs eight assistants and a pound of twine to string together one basic sentence. Play for the Skins for three minutes and you have a job in this town for life, no matter how inept you may be. These are fans who are still so warped by the glory days of the '80s and early '90s that they are psychologically incapable of seeing the Redskins as the rundown jalopy that they currently are. These are people who will tell you with a straight face that "the roster is so much better!" under Mike Shanahan, despite 11 wins in the past two seasons (Jim Zorn won 12 games in his two seasons). Dan Snyder counts on those people. He makes a mint off those suckers every year. He could hire Rich Kotite and dump a pound of anthrax in the center of the stadium and these idiots would remain blindly loyal. It's mystifying.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.

3. The worst stadium experience in the NFL. Never go to FedEx Field. Ever. Going to FedEx Field is like traveling 30 years into the future to catch a glimpse of America's eventual economic ruin. Biker gangs encircle you for minutes at a time. People are drinking pure ethanol. Women are tit-grabbed at every possible opportunity. It is perhaps the least welcoming environment on Earth. The stadium itself is a gravestone, a lifeless slab of concrete designed strictly with the mission of packing in as many sweaty bodies as possible, like the steerage cabin of a 19th century immigrant ship. No one goes to FedEx because they like it. Half of the Redskins fans in attendance stand there during the game, watching the Redskins lose, thinking to themselves, "Why do I keep doing this?" And there's no good answer to that. None.

4. Let's talk about Shanahan's supposedly brilliant roster. Because it sucks. Outside of RG3, London Fletcher, Brian Orakpo, and Ryan Kerrigan, this team has nothing. DeAngelo Hall is like someone took all the worst parts of Asante Samuel's game and made an entire player out of them. The offensive line is terrible. Tight end Fred Davis is all but certain to get suspended for eight games after you drafted him too high in your fantasy league. Trent Williams holds as if he's got an incentive clause asking him to do so. The safeties are putrid. Wideout Pierre Garcon owes Peyton Manning 80 percent of his signing bonus. None of the running backs can stay healthy. Thanks to having no draft picks ever, depth is nonexistent across the entire roster. And, in my favorite "THE FUCK?" signing of the offseason, the Skins handed $7.5 million in guarantees to wideout Josh Morgan. The LEGENDARY Josh Morgan, who has never caught more than 52 balls in a season. Why pay him $7.5 million? Why not pay him six cents after he gets cut from another team's training squad?

5. Hear it from Redskins fans!

@ImpeachCerrato:

In the last two drafts, the Redskins have selected 3 players from SMU, which has a combined record 24-28 the last 4 seasons in the garbage Conference USA. For reference, the Redskins roster now contains 33% of the SMU players in the NFL (37.5% of the players if you discount Punter Thomas Morstead of the Saints). None of these draftees (Josh LeRibeus, Richard Crawford, or Aldrick Robinson) are any good.

Pete:

If you root for the Redskins, and I have my entire life, you are essentially cheering for the success of a super villain. Dan Snyder is a real life, honest to god super villain. One day we will win the Super Bowl, and they will hand Dan Snyder the Lombardi trophy, and it will be fucking TERRIBLE. Watching that twat hoist the trophy and think he did anything to deserve it will feel exactly like Joe Theismann felt when he watched the replay of LT exploding his leg for the first time, 20 years later.

On top of that, this year we get to watch the Skins do their best to ruin the incredibly likable RG3. He'll be constantly handing it off to our starting "seems to be the least shitty at the moment" running back for 1-yard gains. He'll get sacked because Trent Williams is too busy smoking weed and finding his spirit animal to block for him. RG3 is essentially your teenage daughter alone in the city all weekend with no bra and a dead cell phone. You just have to hope she does the good kind of learning.

And now we don't even get to laugh at LaRon Landry for celebrating after a tackle on a 12-yard gain and getting hilarious taunting penalties. We just get to watch Mike Shannahan try to prop up his son Kyle's credibility like a blind man trying to build a house of cards in a hurricane. I'm already switching to whiskey just thinking about it.

Daz:

While RG3 could very well turn into a Pro-Bowl QB with a HOF caliber career, the Skins have been so utterly awful (the recent debacle of RexJohnovan McGrossbeck highlighting the turd sandwich that has been the Shanahan era) that Skins fans have taken the anointing-of-a-drafted-QB-as-franchise-savior thing to a whole new level (myself included). I myself have pledged to trade all my picks in my fantasy draft this year for RG3 (and only start him every week) and will also be naming my first born with "the III" suffix even though there is no Jr or the II in the family. This RG3 fever is out of hand and a sure sign that the Redskins will go 5-11 this season.

Doug:

You know how some stars are so far away that their light actually takes years to reach the Earth, and when we see them, what we're really seeing is that star as it was seven or eight years ago? I think I've figured it out: Dan Snyder lives on one of those stars. He's so rich that he rocketed himself out to Alpha Centauri or where the fuck ever and lives out there in some orbiting space station/mansion, so when he signed Albert Haynesworth or Mark Brunell or whatever, the player he was seeing was the player from seven or eight years prior who was awesome and in his prime, whereas the player he was getting was the present-day player who was out of shape and could not have given less of a fuck about the game of football if you put a gun to his head.

It was bad enough when this practice was restricted to players, though. Now he's doing it with coaches. Wondering why Snyder hasn't brought on Mike Martz as the 'Skins' offensive coordinator yet? Only because the light from Martz's 14-2 season with the Rams hasn't made it out to deep space yet. Give it time.

Every Redskin fan knows deep down (or in some cases maybe not even all that deep down) that the team is never going to be any better than solidly mediocre until Snyder either sells the team or dies, preferably the latter, and preferably in the goriest, most agonizing fashion possible.

Mike:

We have an owner who might be the single-most repulsive human being in the Washington, D.C. area. Think about that for a second.

Here's a guy who made his fortune selling ads you read while taking a piss, which really feels like the perfect metaphor. He's a Napoleonic asshole who bullies just about everyone he comes into contact with, from his yes-men in the front office and on the sidelines to the employees in his various media outlets. He took City Paper to court in what amounts to a nuisance lawsuit for writing an unflattering article about him (basically to teach them that no matter how accurate they are, he has the money to make them miserable for printing the truth) and demanded that the Washington Post stop calling its Skins blog "Redskins Insider" because the name Redskins was his trademarked property (the Post's blog is now "The Insider"—I'm surprised that Pat O'Brien doesn't sue).

I mean, here's the one guy in league history who fired Norv when he didn't deserve it. Christ.

There's a reason Jerry Jones hasn't won a title in 15 years. And Snyder is Jones without the charm, modesty, or self-restraint.

Garrett:

Growing up in Ashburn I can't tell you how many times I've heard this: "we could've made the playoffs if _____ were here" (insert: Sean Taylor, Champ Bailey, Joe Gibbs, etc.). The list is endless.

I attached a picture of a classic Snyder-esque caption: "Robert Griffin III: 1-0 as Redskins starting QB" after the Aug. 9th preseason win against the Bills. Pathetic.

Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Washington Redskins

Mike:

We're awful and, even worse, irrelevant. Our stadium is a corporate-sponsored shithole with all the charm of an Eastern-European CIA black site. Every Sunday I listen to Larry Michael attempt to convince the Redskins faithful that Roy Helu deserves to be anything more than a Montreal Alouettes practice squad member, while Dan Snyder's cock is lodged oh-so-tenderly in the back of his throat. It's an impressive feat.

Austin:

The Redskins are the Florida of the NFL. Where old people go to retire and where young talent moves onto bigger and better things.

Matt:

During the Skins' 2000 season (when he wasted millions of dollars on washed up players such as Bruce Smith, Mark Carrier, & Deion Sanders), Danny Boy hired Ray Rhodes as the Skins' defensive coordinator under the assumption that he could fire Norv Turner if the Skins were in danger of falling out of playoff contention and elevate Rhodes to head coach. After the Skins lost two consecutive games to the Eagles and Giants at home, Snyder decided to fire Norv, even though the Skins still had a winning record and were in playoff contention. The problem was that Rhodes wanted no part of being a head coach because the Green Bay Packers were still paying him the remaining two years on his head coach contract- which would have been voided if he became the Skins' head coach.

Knowing that Rhodes wouldn't take the head coach job, everyone assumed that Snyder would elevate the Skins "passing game coordinator", Terry Robiskie, to interim head coach. Snyder had a better idea. He was going to hire his "special consultant" Pepper Rodgers and have Robiskie and Rhodes call plays under him. Yes, the same Pepper Rodgers who coached Georgia Tech, UCLA, and Kansas in the 1970s and whose only professional head coaching experience came from coaching the Memphis USFL and CFL franchises. It turns out that Snyder met Rodgers through FedEx (when Snyder renamed Jack Kent Cooke Stadium as FedEx Field) and became so enamored with him because Rodgers coached John Riggins (Snyder used to idolize Riggins before he made his "Snyder has a black heart" comment three years ago).

After Snyder told Robiskie of his plan, Robiskie threatened to quit and told him that the players wouldn't listen to anything Pepper had to say. A few hours later, Snyder changed his mind after he realized what a disaster he would have on his hands- not to mention the possible racial fallout stemming from the decision to hire a washed-up 70-year-old white guy during the pre-Rooney Rule days.

The fact that Snyder even considered hiring Pepper Rodgers to be his head coach in the last four weeks of the regular season should be reason enough for the NFL to force him to sell the team.

Guyon:

We basically played in KKK hoods in the 50s and 60s. Seriously, read this shit.

Gabe:

We have the memory of Guy Pierce from Memento, welcoming every big signing as being the last piece to our near-Super Bowl ready squad, having already purged from memory the snuff film of a season we JUST EXPERIENCED.

And another thing: Stop saying Kyle Shanahan "Cut his teeth" in the NFL before Daddy hired him. If my Dad's drinking buddy (Gary Kubiak) hires me for no damn good reason to wank it in the general direction of the most talented offensive roster in the NFL, and then Dad hires me to continue my finger painting masterpiece on the Redskins sideline, it's called fucking nepotism.

Ryan:

Companies own most of the seats in FedEx, so you end up with a bunch of little corporate pricks walking around with their pink Lacoste shirts with their collars popped, talking about how great DC United will be next year.

Duke:

The team thinks their three Super Bowl victories puts them in the upper echelon of great NFL franchises. The only problem is the team hasn't been a relevant NFL franchise in over 20 years, roughly around the same time they last won a Lombardi Trophy.
• After 15 years of utter embarrassment, management has finally given up on perpetuating the myth that there is actually a "waiting list" for season tickets. That stadium was obsolete the day it opened, charges ridiculous amounts of money for everything, and is located in East Jesus, MD. No one wants to go out there.
• Dan Snyder treats the Super Bowl trophies as if he won them, trotting them out for every stupid press conference. Nice try, small fry.
• Any success the team has ever had revolves around one great coach and a bunch of crappy players. The only exceptions are Sammy Baugh (played when Joe Gibbs was still in diapers), John Riggins (hates Dan Snyder so much he won't associate with the team) and Darrell Green (who at age 50 is still probably better than Reed Doughty — the deaf guy who happens to start at strong safety).
• Joe Theismann
• The face of the franchise is Sonny Jurgensen, an overrated QB who appeared in one playoff game at the end of his career 40 years ago. Nonetheless, he and Dan Snyder walk around Redskins Park sniffing each other's butts and smoking big phallic cigars.
• The fans are covertly racist. Ask any white fan who their favorite player is: Chris Cooley. Second favorite: whichever crappy white quarterback is currently on the roster.
• Northern Virginia is the worst place on earth — the land of terrible personalized license plates, Communist speeding laws, and retarded street signs.
• You would think the last pro football team to integrate its roster might be somewhat culturally sensitive, yet if you broach a name change with management, it's completely off the table.
• Not sure which is more pathetic: the team's coaching staff over the last 20 years or its depth chart at quarterback.

Nick:

We are an embarrassment to logic.

Chris:

Redskins fans like to think that they are the greatest fans in the NFL but that is delusional. Redskins fans almost universally suck. They are either out-of-touch loons who long ago drank the burgundy and gold kool-aid and for whom the team can do no wrong or they are mouth-breathing jackasses who would make the stereotypical Eagles fan blush with their vulgarity and idiocy. Redskins fans are by and large gullible (there are no doubt people who bought the aforementioned $35 preseason t-shirt), stupid (believing that Colt Brennan was actually capable of being an NFL quarterback), and delusional (easily angered by anyone who points out how much this team has fucking sucked since 1992). I'm almost ashamed to admit that I am a fan of this team for fear of being associated with the rest of the dipshits who root for them.

I attended a game back in the middle part of the last decade and witnessed so many embarrassments in the stands I don't know where to start. There was a wretched woman in front of me at one game who went to get coffee during the game and returned with what she announced to her party (and the rest of the section) was a "cup of chino." She then proceeded to offer the "cup of chino" to each member of her group all the while commenting how they had to "try this cup of chino. The chino is excellent!"

At another game, following a run by Larry Bowie, large numbers of the fans started calling out his name, "Boooooo-wie." This caused the morons seated near me to have the following conversation:

Moron 1: "What the hell they booing him for? Seven yard run ain't good enough?"
Moron 2: "I don't know!"

What is frightening is that these were probably some of the smarter people I encountered at games.

Andrew:

I would kill for Jerry Jones to be running this team instead of Snyder. Also, our greatest player of the last 15 years was murdered in his home by intruders and the national media blamed him for getting murdered. So, there's that.

Justin:

There are few people who hate freedom (see: Lawsuits against local papers) and prosperity (see: any decision made by Dan Snyder) more than Dan Snyder.

Kevin:

How about debunking a popular myth… "DC is a football town obsessed with the Redskins?" Bullshit. That's a media cliche wafting around from the 70s and 80s. Hardly anyone inside the District boundaries cares about this franchise - or hasn't cared since 1992. People inside the Beltway would rather spend their Sundays working, sitting in their Delaware beach houses or watching RedZone. The team's core fan base lives in dumpster fires like Woodbridge, Virginia and La Plata, Maryland. It's always been the sticks that have been the franchise's strength, going back to the days when Washington to Miami was all Redskins Country ("Fight for Old Dixie"). But the DC area has the best educated population in the country you say? Not at a Skins game, it's like a teabagger convention inside a Red Cross tornado shelter.

Owen:

We live in the past probably more than any other fanbase.

Kyle:

I'm going to share my favorite Dan Snyder scheme. In 2009, after he acquired controlling interest of Six Flags, the theme park launched a partnership with some mattress company no one's ever heard of, referring to it as the "Official Mattress of Six Flags." Not only that, but if you happened to be at Six Flags and had some sudden and unbreakable urge to purchase a fucking mattress while at Six Flags, you could get one at the park for the low low price of $1,299. This man owns my goddamn football team.

DBurn:

We're the most arrogant, entitled fan base in the league, and there has been no legitimate reason for us to be so for at least 20 years. But once RGIII gets it, look out guys!

Jeffrey:

Mike Shanahan''s face looks like he has spent every day for the last 6 years on a deep sea fishing boat in the Gulf of Mexico.

Mike:

In short, fuck this team. Fuck its coaches, its players, its owner, its racist name and history, and its fanbase whose only argument against its most hated rival is "Are you even FROM Dallas?"

Richard:

D.C. is a terrible city. It is Hollywood for ugly people, full of the kind of pretentious bullshit that you wouldn't find at a Connecticut boarding prep school. Only in D.C. will you hear things like "...yeah we could do that, or to the Holocaust Museum and get our cry on". Only in D.C. will people Yelp reviews of restaurants they have not actually been to.

And Northern Virginia is even worse. These are the whitest, douchiest motherfuckers you will ever meet, soft as fucking women's thighs, and they all think that because they vaguely know of some token black dude that they played lacrosse with, that they are street.

Zak:

Larry "human pile of sleaze" Michael, Sam "where am I?" Huff, and Sonny "who am I?" Jurgensen make up our radio broadcast crew.

Shane:

When I was a stupid little kid growing up, I thought the Redskins were located in Washington state (named like the Vikings and Cardinals) rather than Washington, D.C. Some older kid on the playground made me look foolish for not knowing this, and I have never forgiven the team for that.

Brian:

This year's season tickets have pictures of current players on them, with their name and jersey number listed on the bottom. London Fletcher, team captain, heart and soul of the defense, pro bowler, etc, is listed as number 58. He's number 59.

Roy Helu, Jr., surprising rookie success last year, symbol that maybe we're no longer run by fucking morons like Vinny Cerrato who couldn't draft anyone of value past the first round even out of sheer luck, is misidentified as Robert Helu, Jr. There also weren't enough current players people would know, so Week 13 or so has Sammy Baugh. Not even 10 recognizable players. We fucking suck.

Danny boy had t-shirts made up for the Skins-Colts preseason game. 1. They are 35 dollars. For a t-shirt. 2. The shirt has pictures of Luck and RG3, below the words "QB Showdown Rivalry." How the fuck is a preseason game, between two rookies, who never played each other in college, and two teams who are in different divisions, a "Showdown Rivalry?" The proceeds of these however are definitely going to a secret underground Thai ladyboy Hunger Games reenactment camp Dan Snyder owns and operates.

Rob:

Mike Shanahan is a great coach as long as he has one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and a 2,000 yard rusher.

Martin:

Our best player of the last decade was a tight end. Our fans are fat, dumb, drunk, and show up every year in 3XL Bruce Smith replica jerseys covered in old BBQ sauce stains and absurdly unrealistic expectations. Our stadium is a life-sucking, cement-laden shrine of mediocrity in middle-of-nowhere-bumstain, Maryland. Our owner is a greedy, egomaniacal dickhead who will own the team for the rest of our lives. Half of our fanbase was legitimately convinced that Colt Brennan was the next Sonny Jurgensen. The last time we won our division, everyone was too busy having aneurysms about Y2K to notice. We get charged $20 to park at training camp on "Fan Appreciation Day". Our former general manager starred in the movie "Kindergarten Ninja" about a couple of druglords that try to take over a preschool. Danny Wuerffel. Heath Shuler. Tony Banks. Gus Frerotte. Jeff George. Jim FREAKING Zorn.

But hey, this RGIII character looks pretty good, doesn't he?

Ben:

The stadium has less personality than Mike Shannahan. The fucking upper deck is lined with FedEx colors, for fuck's sake. Must be really intimidating for the Steelers, Eagles and Giants fans who invade that shithole when Skins fans readily sell them blocks of tickets.

Also, after over a decade of utter futility, you'd think someone in the organization would have learned the value of, you know, building through the draft. Is there a single franchise that's more wasteful with draft picks? The few picks that aren't traded away are usually spent on skill position players that other teams somehow "passed over." OMG HOW DID EVERYONE ELSE MISS ON MALCOLM KELLY??? God forbid we draft an offensive lineman every now and then.

George:

I've already been invited to three different "Redskins Super Bowl XLVII Champs" groups on Facebook.

Billy:

This organization has made so many terrible moves that only a sucker would be excited about the Robert Griffin III trade. The team made this deal as if they were just a quarterback away from the Super Bowl. In reality, they are a wide receiver, a few offensive linemen, some defensive backs and a running back away from even winning their division.

RG III will probably look like a god during the first two or three weeks of the season, and 'Skins fans will proceed to lose their shit and tattoo his face onto their testicles. The 'Skins always win early in the season, and the expectations among these dumb ass fans get out of control. But they always lose a close game along the way, then fall into a tailspin for the rest of the season and finish December playing in front of half-empty crowds (which the PR department refers to as "sellouts") at FedEx Field.

When that happens, these same fans will turn on RGIII and demand that they start Kirk Cousins. And if you think that scenario is out of the question, then you must not have been around when there were legions of COLT BRENNAN jerseys (I kid you not) being worn around training camp and FedEx field in 2008 and 2009.

Marshall:

I've lived pretty much my entire life in Texas (parents grew up in Virginia, my dad's Air Force career put him in Texas), so I've got some great firsthand knowledge of how seriously Dallas fans take the rivalry with Washington. What is supposed to be one of the greatest rivalries in all of sports doesn't mean much to Cowboys fans these days because they know that they're always guaranteed to beat the Redskins at least once every year despite the inevitable December collapse, leaving them free to direct their hatred toward the Eagles and Giants. Even when the Redskins do beat Dallas, it's normally because the Cowboys screw it up for themselves (see: 2010 season opener). Cowboys fans still hate Washington, sure, but when we play, it's like it's just another game. For we Redskins fans, those two games are the only things that matter year-in and year-out because every Redskins fan has nothing else to look forward to, and we spend the rest of our time cheering for Dallas to lose. These days, it's a successful season for the Redskins if Dallas doesn't make the playoffs. It's pathetic.

Jimmy:

I've been a Redskins fan my entire life. And as I am looking forward to this season, I have realized something: I want to see Dan Snyder fail more than I want to see the Redskins win.

Because if, in some type of wild insane fantasy world, the Redskins actually do ever win a Super Bowl, I would have to watch that man stand on the stage and hold up the Lombardi trophy. And that sight is literally a nightmare for me. Do you have any idea how messed up that is? But that's how I truly feel about this team. There's a part of me that legitimately wants this team to go 2-14 this year and give the #1 pick to the Rams just so I can have one more thing to shove in Snyder's face.

Anil:

Snyder is George Steinbrenner with a broken compass.

Bob:

The reason the Redskins suck is because in 1992 on the way back from San Francisco defeating the Redskins in the divisional playoff round 20-13 – the world ended - we all died and the last 20 years have been proof that every Redskins fan is now in hell.

Think about it – FedEx Field with its 14 hour round trip commute and $40 dollar beers replaced RFK. Cook family got team bought out from under them by Snyder. Gibbs gave way to Norv, Marty, Spurrier, Solomon Grundy Gibbs, Zorn and now the tanning bed bandit Shannahan. QBs in the last 20 – Hall of Famers – Tony Banks, Gus "Padded Wall Hard on Head" Frerotte, Heath Shuler, Jeff George, Jason Campbell, Todd Collins, to name a few.

The Redskins suck because if you are reading this and you are a Redskin fan – you are in hell. Look to your left – that's Hitler making quiche for dinner…..don't deny it – you know you see him.

Conor:

Every year as that schedule comes out, we convince ourselves that we'll somehow win ten games when in reality, we'd be lucky to get to five.

Eric:

I consume the shit out of every media source that is providing me with 24-hour news coverage of how many wipes RGIII needed to clean his ass this morning. I'm making shirts like these without him ever playing in a real game.

I think all major media figures are out to get the Redskins. "Pee-turd" King, Len Pastabelly, David Florio, Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Tony Dungy, and Terry Bradshaw all have axes to grind against the skins because they pick them to win 5-7 games every year and this is our year. Haters, all of 'em.

I suck because I am Dan Snyder's bitch. Every two years I swear I will never give that short, greedy, Tom Cruise fucking, short asshole another dime of my money; but Redskins fans can't help but make the same mistakes over and over again.

Garry:

True story: Snyder bought bags of peanuts from a bankrupt airline that were a year past their expiration date, and sold them at the stadium. Also, he's short.

Tyler:

I've lived my entire life in the DC area and have built my hatred of the Redskins into a major part of my personality. Their mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, dipshit alcoholic fans are an embarrassment to our society.

The worst of the worst Skins fans always come crawling out of their overpriced, shitty apartments every August in their 1990's hats to declare that the Redskins will probably go 8-8 or 9-7, despite not having anything close to a competitive team. Then they go up and down the schedule like a bunch of arrogant fucktards and declare that they are better than half the teams they play. NO YOU ARE FUCKING NOT. You know all those games you are putting in your win column? The other shitty team you are playing is counting that as a win BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK TOO and have sucked for twenty one fucking years in a row.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THEM COWBOYS.