Who Would Win A Modern American Civil War?S

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering bad QBs, free blowjobs, long farts, and more.

Your letters:

Justin:

You once alluded to the possibility of a war between liberals and conservatives. Suppose moderates had the option to sit this one out. Which side of remaining civilian soldiers do you think would win? I'm tempted to say the conservatives because they would have all the guns.

No doubt about it. They'd have all the guns, plus the backing of numerous anonymous casino magnates. They'd be organized and out picking off liberals with lethal efficiency within seconds of the declaration. Take a look at how poorly organized the Occupy Wall Street movement was, with all those stupid hand signals. What chance do those people have against a Tea Party-aligned survivalist militia that has been dying for YEARS to finally open fire on all those dirty, filthy hippies? I for one welcome my new redneck overlords. I hope there's lots of drinking out of Mason jars in my future!

John:

Would you say ex-Eagles quarterbacks are the Belichick disciples of NFL players? Think about it: Donovan McNabb, A.J. Feeley, Jeff Garcia, Kevin Kolb. All expected to be decent after playing relatively well in Philly, all fall to pieces once they leave the Fatman.

Which would you rather leading your NFL team next season, a Belichick disciple or ex-Philly QB of your choice?

I'd rather have the terrible quarterback because a terrible QB is a situation that you can fix more quickly. When you're stuck with a bad coach, you're usually stuck with him for at least two years (or, if your coach is Norv Turner, a hundred years). And a good coach can get an awful lot out of a team that has mediocre quarterback play (see last year's Niners as an example). If you have a terrible QB, you can always bench him in favor of John Skelton (exciting!) or watch the team draft a new QB in April. Having a terrible coach is a much more painful ordeal, especially if you have a good QB and the shitty coach is busy ruining them. O HAI COOCH SHANAHAN.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.

Scott:

How it is that no NBA player seems to have hairy shoulders? Statistically I would think that many NBA players (and surely those Spaniards do) would have furry backs and shoulders. Is it mandatory that they shave, wax or get electrolysis?

I can't imagine it being mandatory. I can only assume that many swarthy NBA players shave their back and shoulder fur to avoid being teased by teammates or made fun of by NERDY BLOG NERDS. I looked up old images of Rony Seikaly, Hedo Turkoglu, and Vlade Divac. These are all men who ought to have hair blasting out of every pore of skin. But when you look at the old images, their shoulders are as smooth as a debutante's ass. No way that shit is natural. Those guys all shaved down so that they wouldn't get shit for it on the plane ride home.

Zach:

The only vanity plate in the universe that escapes ridicule?

Who Would Win A Modern American Civil War?S

That's pretty solid.

Tyler:

What if you had the option of having one giant 15-minute fart once per year, and no other farts that year? Would you do it? You don't get to pick when you have this massive fart, so it could come at any time. Also, it would match the decibel level of your loudest fart of the year and the stench of your smelliest fart of that year. Do you unleash Hell for a few minutes of the year, or do you keep your current, more balanced fart schedule?

If you're not allowed to know when the fart is coming, you have no choice but to keep to your normal farting schedule because the idea of that fart coming during a funeral or a date or a job interview is just too terrifying. Imagine the concentrated stench derived from an entire year's worth of flatulence. You're talking about creating an environment around you that is literally toxic. As impressed as I would be with myself in that scenario, it wouldn't be worth the genuine anger that fart would bring on. Everyone, at some point in life, has crossed that Fart Line, the line between someone saying, "Oh you farted! And it stinks! You kooky bastard!" and someone saying, "Seriously, cut it the fuck out. I hate you now." It's never fun when your loved ones announce that Fart Playtime is over. Once word of the giant fart spread around, no one will want to hang out with you until they know the Fart Threat has subsided for the year. It would be a lonely, difficult existence, and it would rob you of the everyday pleasures of small-batch farting. A day without farting is like a day without air! Noxious, methane-filled air.

Justin:

Assuming they wouldn't be overthrown during your lifetime (although you have the option to join a resistance movement at great personal risk), and that you are not part of the targeted population, which evil regime would you rather live out your days under?

1) Nazi Germany
2) Sauron's Mordor
3) The Intergalactic Empire
4) The Confederate States of America

The CSA seems like an obvious choice at first, but then it dawned on me that it is in the South and air conditioning didn't exist back in Civil War times.

The Empire, obviously. If you're living under the Empire, that means you get to travel around space, which is wayyyy cooler than hanging out in war-torn Berlin or the backwaters of Tennessee. And apart from destroying an entire planet, did you ever see any real evidence that the Empire was all that terrible? There were still bars open. You could put in wagers with Jabba. And there's no way that the Empire could keep a watchful eye over every planet. You could easily flee to the nice side of Dagoba and while away your days zooming around on hovercycles and making your droids kiss each other. The Empire is the most attractive of all tyrannical regimes.

Stephen:

I was going to the store recently, and my friend asked me to pick up some vitamins (some specific, fancy vitamins). He said would pay me back as soon as I got home. So I go to the vitamin section, and I see that these vitamins cost like $40, way more than I thought.

I knew he was good for the money so it didn't bother me, but it got me thinking...what's the upper price limit in this scenario? Let's say you're guaranteed to get the money back before you go to sleep that night. Does the answer change if you get the money back in check form as opposed to cash form?

I think once you hit triple digits, it's fair game to come back and tell him you didn't have enough cash on you (obviously you can pay with your credit card, but it's better to just lie). I think it's the friend's duty to let you know that whatever you're going to pick up for him will cost a good deal of money, because making a large purchase stops being a favor and starts being a formal loan, which is always trouble. And if he's paying you back by check, forget it. Cashing that check takes five whole minutes. What did you get for your sweat equity? Nothing. It's a whole THING you have to deal with.

I don't know about you, but my entire life revolves around making sure I don't have to do anything, ever. If there's shit on my to-do list (and I hate the idea of a to-do list), all I want to do is rid myself of those tasks so that no one can make me get up and do anything. This makes me the diametric opposite of my wife, who spends a good deal of time concocting new shit to do. MUST WE BE SO PRODUCTIVE, LADY? I'm reading the side of this cookie box and I would appreciate it if you let me be.

Like any white person, I am extremely uptight about lending out money, even when it's a lock that I'm getting it back. Any time I used to go on business trips at my old job, I would always HATE paying the hotel bill using my own card, even though the agency was always going to reimburse me. I just had this terrible fear that someone would drop a nuclear bomb on my office and I would be out two hundred bucks. I am a cheap, petty man.

Davin:

This server at my local Indian restaurant is blessed with a kick-ass name.

Who Would Win A Modern American Civil War?S

He sure is. I would order paneer cheese from Baldeep.

Asian Matt:

Do you think a swimmer's vagina/penis smells better than your average non-swimmer vagina/penis? I mean all that chlorine and neutralizing chemicals have to deodorize your bits.

I doubt it. Ever take a shower, wash your genitals thoroughly, and then stroll outside during a 95-degree day? INSTANT FROMUNDA. The only reason a swimmer would have better smelling genitals is because swimmers are skinny, and therefore they wouldn't have the kind of fatty thighs that often end up cutting off air to the taint, causing it to secrete unholy fluids that smell like a wheel of Stilton baked in tar. That makes far more a of a difference than swimming laps all day.

HALFTIME!

Peter:

Whenever I'm in a wedding, and then a week or two later the professional pictures come out on facebook, I always scroll through the pictures to find ones of me looking dapper in my rented tux. Screw the couple on their special day, I'm far more concerned with remembering just how bitchin' I looked in that tux, and I feel that this is my right by way of spending $150+ on the rental.

I think that's more than fair. Any time anyone sends me a photo album of any event, even one featuring my own children, I immediately scour it for photographs of myself. And if it's a nice picture? Oh, you better believe I spend a half-second admiring it. "NOT BAD!" I think people on Facebook post extended photo albums with the implicit understanding that their friends will just look for photos of themselves. Then the friends will reciprocate by posting big albums that feature at least one photo of you to find and cherish forever. No one REALLY gives a shit about the other 59 pictures in the "Sandy's 28th Birthday Hoedown You Guys!" photoset.

Younger Brother:

My brother, who is a grown 30-year old man, just accidentally shit his pants for the first time in his adult life, and it happened at work. He tried to fart and got more than he bargained for. So far, I am the only person who knows, and I have been sworn to secrecy. How long am I allowed to MERCILESSLY make fun of him in private before I drop it? I think this is worthy of at least a week.

Oh no, I think you get to do it for as long as it bothers him. If you do it a year from now and he still freaks out about it, then I say you're free to keep on going strong. But if he's a mature fellow and he laughs along with you, then the fun will die out quickly. The more shit bothers you, the more shit you'll get thrown your way.

Mike:

I feel like the word "hookup" doesn't have a concrete definition. I always understood it meant "to have sex with someone" but then I hear people use it to only describe that they were just making out with another person. It makes a big difference to say that you hooked up with that girl once and give me the impression that you were allowed naked access to her lady parts when in reality you weren't. Can you please define this word properly? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

The first entry in Urban Dictionary says the word is meant to convey virtually any romantic/sexual activity, and I'm inclined to agree. If you make out with someone at a club, you hooked up on the dance floor. If you leave to go have sex, you hooked up at your apartment. I have found that, in general, if a guy has sex with a girl, he will make sure to say, "I banged her!," which leaves no doubt as to penetration. He's not just gonna let your imagination assume what happened. "I fucked her! I thrusted 16 times and then it was over HIGH FIVE!" At the other end of the spectrum, if a girl has sex with a guy, I think she will purposefully obscure that tidbit ("OMG I hooked it with him!") so that her feminist bookstore colleagues don't get angry with her.

Mickey:

I found this beast in a can of cashews (I set it beside a normal cashew for scale, but you can't really tell that it's also twice the height of a normal cashew). Despite being composed almost entirely of salt chunks, I did try a piece. I wish I hadn't.

Who Would Win A Modern American Civil War?S

It kind of looks like a Payday bar made by a blind person. I don't fault you for trying it, though. All processed food anomalies must be tested by live humans.

Michelle:

What to do think will be the big election issue in 2042? My guess is purchasing sex robots for jails to reduce prison rape and the associated health care costs. Thoughts? Pro or con?

I'm all for it. My guess is that virtually all of the same bullshit will be debated thirty years from now. Like the national debt. People bitched about the debt when I was a kid, and they're still fighting over it. People bitched about what to do about Israel and Palestine when I was a kid, and they're still fighting over it. People bitched about abortion when I was a kid, and they're still fighting over it. God, it's all so fucking old by now. MOVE ON. Resolve your shit and let's get onto the real issues that should be dominating our future, namely whether or not virtual hookers count legally as infidelity. We will make no progress as a species until we can have sex with androids.

Drew:

This clown always parks illegally in the alley behind the building where my girlfriend works. I'll give you one guess where this all takes place. Long Island. That place is the worst.

Who Would Win A Modern American Civil War?S

That it is.

Will:

Would you rather suck a dog's dick or a homeless guy's dick? 3 minutes each and both come. No diseases transmitted.

The homeless guy, because if you pick the dog then you're homophobic. You don't think the lobbyists at Big Gay wouldn't jump down your throat for choosing the dog? Don't be so naive. Plus, I've never seen dog semen personally. I don't know what it smells like or how much comes out. The devil you know...

Will (again):

What animal that could normally fit in a shoebox would be most terrifying at 500 lbs? I'm saying a ferret.

Are we counting insects? Because then roaches are obviously king of this discussion. There isn't a person alive who doesn't fear the specter of GIANT, HORRIBLE ROACHES popping out from behind the water heater in the basement and devouring them whole. I am still gravely concerned that we, as a nation, are not doing enough to prevent giant roach invasions. Again, the time has come to put aside abortion and get to the REAL issues.

Outside of insects, the answer is the Portuguese man o war. Christ, I'm having a panic attack just looking at a normal one. Please don't let it touch me. Please. OH GOD IT TOUCHED ME I THINK I'M DYING.

Jake:

I am not sure of the year but would guess I was in middle school (which would make it around 2003), and was having dinner at Pulcinella's, a Italian restaurant in McLean, VA. Sitting at the table immediately to my left was Newt Gingrich and his new trophy wife.

In the middle of enjoying my delicious ravioli, I ripped a soupy hospital fart that lingered for what felt like several minutes. Newt not only smelled the fart, but turned and gave me one of the most intense evil-eyes that I have ever seen.

That's bad form by Newt. Proper etiquette dictates that you act like that fart never happened. You don't finger the perp in a restaurant. How do you even know you're accusing the right person? THAT'S OLFACTORY PROFILING.

Daniel:

Whatever he did pissed her off royally. She even got him to change the plate as well...

Who Would Win A Modern American Civil War?S

I bet it's that Snow White director guy.

Matt:

Let's say you're forced into a Billy Madison situation and have to complete grades 1-12 in two weeks each. Do you think you could successfully complete each grade in the two weeks, or you would fail somewhere along the way? I think Elementary School would be a breeze, Middle School I may be able to pass, and High School would fuck me with subjects like physics, calculus, etc.

Well, are you talking about doing all the year's coursework required in those two weeks? Because you're talking about hours upon hours of coloring and phonics worksheets. I have a kid in first grade and after just one day of school, she'll bring home a stack of shit that's a mile high. It looks exhausting. Even if it's technically easy. And think of all the terrible books you had to read in high school and middle school: Dickens, Johnny Tremain, and scores of dry, awful history books. I remember the horror of having to study for eighth grade social studies tests. "What three things did Charlemagne do to expand the Frankish kingdom?" Jesus, I don't know. He used big guns? Tests like that are awful.

The other problem is that the learning curve in most schools is accelerated now. I don't think I learned to spell my name until, like, fourth grade. But schools today don't fuck around. Kids are expected to know eight different foreign languages and have a firm grasp of quantum physics by age eight. It's craziness. Why can't we all just slow down and eat some paste? Kids today will make you feel like a fucking idiot.

Dan:

Who would win in a bare knuckle fight between the greatest fighter from today's generation (Jon Jones/Anderson Silva) and a gladiator from back in the day?

Assuming no weapons are used, the MMA fighter. People back then were TINY. Just impossibly small human beings. That's why the lions always won. People today are far larger, and stronger, and have access to far better food and training equipment. Maximus would fall in no time flat.

Bob:

What if there was a car dealer that offered a BJ from a hot woman with every new car purchased? It would be administered on site in a clean, private room right after you sign the paperwork by a 20-something attractive young lady.

Would the male car buying public flock there in droves regardless of what vehicle brand the dealer was selling? Would they get greedy and drive their prices up so high that the bubble burst? Note, this scenario would only apply to brand new cars so the financial stakes are higher.

Well first of all, if this really became a real thing, the commenters at Jezebel would collectively order their cats to go destroy all of mankind. How dare the PATRIARCHAL SUPERIORISTS at Ronnie Nelson's Asheville Buick/Isuzu use a woman's mouth as a car-selling glory hole? REPULSIVE. The backlash would end up ruining the promotion before anyone got a chance to cash in.

But if we assume that there's no backlash and the incentive program were allowed to continue, I think that the dealership would receive a modest initial sales bump, followed by a sharp decline in sales overall. Only a moron would pay $25,000 for a blowjob when he could simply go rent a hooker instead. The key thing is that the BJ promotion would create high awareness, so that many men in the car buying market would be enticed to at least add the dealer to their list of places to visit. And I'm sure the scummiest of the lot might even base their purchase decision solely on whether or not Candy will take them in the back room.

But the average car buyer isn't a single guy who is free to get high-priced blowjobs. The average car buyer is a married couple, and studies show that the wife almost always makes the final car-buying decision. No wife is gonna let you near that dealership. No wife is even gonna let you suggest going there. Poor Ronnie's plan would backfire on him almost immediately, turning away droves of customers and leaving just a horde of disgusting shitbags all trying to swindle their way past the credit check. And remember: Ronnie surely has demanded a taste of that action for himself. That's something to consider when buying a new Buick.

But I do think there's value in the "free blowjob" promotional market. Prostitution is legal in Nevada. Why not open a steakhouse and offer free head to anyone who spends over $200 per person? The head isn't "free," obviously. You paid for your meal. But customers would trip over themselves at the perceived added value. "A free blowjob! HOLY SHIT!" You could keep your hookers on salary and also give them a percentage of the tip pool. NOT DEGRADING AT ALL.

Email of the week time:

Anon:

I need to get this off my chest because I can never speak of it again to another living being. Last weekend I was at a bachelor party for my best pal from undergrad. We had rented a large luxury cabin in a rural area. Most of the guys there are friends of the groom through grad school or high school, so I didn't know them from before; I knew 2 of the dudes from undergrad. One of them is gay; the only gay guy there.

This is usually irrelevant - we are all socially liberal types. This gay friend is also a friend of my wife's from undergrad. Anyways, all of the guys turned out to be cool and also totally enjoyed getting brownout drunk. Anyways, about 2/3 of the way through the first night the groom had disappeared. Myself and 2 other guys think he might be booting in the bathroom of his room, so we go and check so that we can make sure A) He is alive, and B) Make him drink more.

The door to the bathroom was closed, but not locked. The bathroom was huge with one of those recessed toilets around a corner, so we go back to see. He was not there, but what was there was my gay friend BLOWING another one of the dudes......the guy getting blown is not gay, he is married with kids. Anyways, this is an awkward situation so the three of us quickly leave.

Here's the thing that's been gnawing at my mind - why didn't they lock the door? Holy shit, if you are going to embrace the night and go full on hedonistic, why not be a little discreet about it? Anyways, just wanted to get that off my chest before I take this story to my grave.

Maybe he bought a car from him.